Can't live with her, can't live without her.?

Question

My wife and I got married 6 years ago after 3 years of dating. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter but our relationship is terrible. Some days it's great (when she's in a good mood) but most of the time we're both very unhappy. I love her, but we don't have the same outlook on life. I'm a risk taker while she's overly conservative. We fight constantly, and unfortunately, sometimes in front of our daughter. Her sarcasm is cruel and uses name calling to make me mad. I'm a very calm person but she always makes me explode and I end up hurting my fists from punching walls. She always brings up divorce, but never actually tells me to leave. Like she wants me to say it so she won't be blamed. I don't know what to do. I wish we could work things out because I don't want to leave my family. The thought of being without my daughter pains me. We've had problems from the start but I thought we could fix things in time. Haven't yet. We're not even sexually compatible. Should I leave?

My wife and I got married 6 years ago after 3 years of dating. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter but our relationship is terrible. Some days it's great (when she's in a good mood) but most of the time we're both very unhappy. I love her, but we don't have the same outlook on life. I'm a risk taker while she's overly conservative. We fight constantly, and unfortunately, sometimes in front of our daughter. Her sarcasm is cruel and uses name calling to make me mad. I'm a very calm person but she always makes me explode and I end up hurting my fists from punching walls. She always brings up divorce, but never actually tells me to leave. Like she wants me to say it so she won't be blamed...

Thank you everyone for your kind words! This really helped!
I think it's time I move on, and try to be happy for my daughter's sake.

Email me! Keep in touch!
Jhonn

Answer 1

Get a therapist. You know what you want from the relationship, that's half-way there. You need to find out what your wife is looking for, and make sure you can settle things or get a divorce before it has a lasting impact on your daughter. At 4 years old she's very impressionable.

Answer 2

Wow...situations like this are hard. Most people would probably say, your happiness is the most important thing to consider. That, and the happiness of your daughter. Those are two vitally important aspects of the situation...but, you should try your best to work it out. One problem I see already is that you put too much of the blame on your wife. "Some days its great when SHES in a good mood"...it isn't just on her. Like they say it takes 2 to tango and if things aren't working it'll take BOTH of your cooperation to fix it. God honors marriage and the the Bible says that the only reasonable reason for divorce is a cheating spouse. Not that im proposing that you do that, because all it would do it cause more problems and probably hurt not even your wife but your daughter...besides she deserves to be raised by both of her parents. You must love each other. Maybe some time apart would be good. Or even a family vacation. I genuinely hope it works out!

Answer 3

Pretty close to my situation right now. My bf and I are having a similar fight, but wonderfully compatible sexually. But we have no children. We are only happy when I am in a good mood, and I take so much out on him because of my constant stress. I feel terrible. I want to let you know that you should always do what is best for the child even if that means not being together. Maybe she will wake up and realize that she needs to be an adult, if not for your relationships sake, for your daughters sake.You two probably get along better without living as a couple, and your daughter needs to see that just because mom and dad don't live together they love me sooo much that they are willing to get along for me. (If that makes sense) Best wishes. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

Answer 4

OMG...this is exactly the same situation I'm in, but some of the things reversed. I really don't know what to tell you, since I'm going through the same thing! Just follow your heart, and your gut feeling. Life is to short to be unhappy with someone. Everyone deserves to be loved, and in love! Make sure that if you leave, that you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to fix/repair the marriage...meaning NO REGRETS! I wish you nothing but the best, and whatever your decision may be...know it's the right one!!. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

It sounds pretty bad, life is no fun when you spend each day in misery and trying to figure out what to do. If you really would be happier without her then think in a positive way that your daughter will see a happy dad instead of one that can't be his all because he is unhappy. children have a way of seeing more than we think. Plud if she sees you hitting walls and blowing up that can't be good either. Make the decision that will be best for all of you and remember you can request and get as much visitation as you want. I htink its great how you feel about your daughter if you can see her a couple of hours everyday or other day and everyother weekend. you will get use to it and your time with her will be more quality time. please keep us updated, I'm curious how you decide.

Answer 6

I don't really know if I can answer that question for you but I can tell you what I know. Well recently I had an interview with my pastor on marriages and divorce. He told me that in order for a marriage to last, the couple must share the same values. For example; you can't have some1 who likes spending their Friday nights partying and getting drunk marrying some1 who likes to go to church. Because sooner or later there is going to be conflict between the two. He also said that today as a society we are becoming individualistic in our thinking. People are selfish and they aren't willing to make as much greater sacrifices as they use to make. People aren't as tolerant. Infidelity.
You're wife sounds like she isn't be too mature about this situation. Is she taking it as seriously as you are?
I really think you should try hard to make your marriage work. Talk to your wife about how you're feeling and ask her how she feels about it too. Both of you need to recognize your wrongs, rectify them, apologize and make the necessary changes. Compromise. Reconcile. Don't make divorce a quick choice! Find out what is the cause for all of the fighting and unhappiness. Try marriage counselling!
And you really should think about your child because divorce is very painful for children because they have to go through this emotional trauma that they aren't mature enough to handle.

Answer 7

No, you cannot leave, do you know how much you can affect your daughters life. I think much of the problem has to do with stress. You should both go to some specialist, also be more romantic, take her somewhere on vacations spend cuality time with her, just let her know you love her. Anger managment would not do any of you any bad. It's not all about you,or your wife, or your daughter its about all three of you as a family.

Answer 8

She sounds neurotic and this could be mentally scarring your child for life. It's bad enough that this woman would treat you so terribly, but in front of your child?! Ridiculous!!

File for custody of the child and get away from this life-sucker before she ruins not only your life, but you daughter's too. You can't believe how much of a negative impact this will have on her life in the future.

RUN~ Take your girl and start a new life without cruelty and fighting. Just because she doesn't actually bring up divorce could just be passive/aggressive-ness. That is a mental imbalance. Please protect yourself and your kid.

Answer 9

Let me assure you that if you don't argue back with her she will not have someone to argue with. I used to do that with my girlfriend for awhile and it always ended up bad for me. STRESS KILLS and will if you don't figure out a way to make things better between you two. If she starts in on you ignore her unless she can talk in a civil tone, especially in front of your daughter, not cool. So, I would just lock myself in another room until she calmed down and ALWAYS keep your cool and maybe she will too. Good luck!

Answer 10

It can get better provided you both make a conscious effort to improve your marriage. Please try counselling first. My husband and I are opposites and used to fight constantly in the beginning, 20 years later we finally learnt how to get along. Hope you can get there quicker...it's worth it :-)

Read the following 2 pages from the Dr. Phil web site.
"Calling It Quits"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/23
"When Staying Together for the Kids Isn't Best"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/37