Should I leave my husband?

Question

I have been married nearly 15 years and have two children. I was married very young (aged 20). My husband and I had a long distance relationship when we were going out and thus wrote many letters and only talked once a week. We only saw each other a couple of times before we married. We developed a great friendship and still are the best of friends. Though, I have never had a great physical attraction to him (he is a nice looking guy though). I hoped that it would come, but it just hasnt and am now looking elsewhere for phyiscal attraction. As I was brought up in a strict Christian household, there was no "try before you buy" so was not able to realise beforehand that there would be problems in the bedroom. I am at loss what to do as I love him, I dont want to break up my family, but I need to experience a relationship where I am physically attracted to someone. Plus, I think my husband would be better off with someone who can give him more love and affection than I can give.

Answer 1

I think you should go to a counselor and talk it through with them before you make a choice. Don't cheat on him whatever you do, once you make that mistake you can never fix it. Try the counseling maybe you will find that there is a chemistry there that you never even knew existed.

Answer 2

I agree with several things others have posted. I've been married for 12+ years (also married young) and at times I am more attracted to my husband than others. I think it is probably true of most every married couple...that stays married any length of time.

There's more to marriage than sex. It's hard work as you know but hang in there. You said you are a Christian...get help from the Word of God, pray about your situation. Ask God to help you get a different frame of mind. Get counseling together if possible and he won't go...go by yourself. Read some books by Christian authors on the subject of marriage.

I think we all keep divorce in the back of our minds as...well if this doesn't work out we can always get a divorce like if I buy a shirt at the mall, decide I don't like it, I can always return it tomorrow....and I don't think thats a good idea.

I have been guilty of it as well. That line of thinking was not even a question years ago so people were married for life and I am definitely not saying divorce is never appropriate. I just think it shouldn't be an easy out or one of the first options.

My husband and I went to pre-marital counseling years ago and one thing in particular that stuck in my head "Love is a Choice." It really is when you think about it.

I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Answer 3

Even if you are thinking about leaving your husband, you are still in a marriage relationship with children.

Communication is a cornerstone to marriage so I would strongly suggest that you talk to him about your feelings. You OWE that to him!

Also, don't forget that if your children aren't fully grown - your divorce will be akin to throwing them in front of a speeding bus. Just ask a child of divorce what it's like (you may already know).

So my answer is NO, not until you have communicated with him about what is up so you can come to a decision together. You are being selfish if you are willing to give up a family for a physical relationship that you don't even know if it exists.

You're pinning your hopes of happiness on something that could be an illusion. I've done it a lot myself and usually I end up disappointed. You could be better off just appreciating what you have - especially if he's a good man.

Sex is sex - it is there but it's not the only thing in a marriage.

Good luck!

FP

Answer 4

This is exactly what happened to me when I married. We married fast after meeting (2 months) and a week before he was deployed. I was raised the same way too. I do not think you should leave, you have alot of years invested in this marriage, not to mention two children. I was not physically attracted to my husband the first years either, but after I realized how much he cared and loved me, that was attraction enough. No one can love me as much as him or knows me as well as he. Him taking care of me and supporting me adds so much to our marriage. And now with our first child I see how much he cares for our baby and loves her. There is much be said for geniune love. It is the most important love; it's not just lust.
Attraction is very important yes, and after I realized all this about my husband, my attraction to him has totally changed for the better. It is so much better in the bedroom now, and we are so much closer even though he is away most of the time. I can't imagine my life without him now and would never want to do anythng to hurt him.
Talk to your husband and see if he is feeling the same way. Seek consul from a pastor or marriage expert. It sounds like you love each other, just needing to find some passion. But remember, passion can grow out of other things besides physical. Whatever you do, don't disgrace and disrespect yourself, your husband , or what you have created over the years by cheating.

Answer 5

I divorced 1 year ago after 9 years of marriage. Do you already have someone else in mind? I don't think you should divorce just because you are not physically attracted to your husband; have you tried talking to him about this? There are ways to increase excitment in the bedroom. One thing to think about is how difficult will it be to find someone else if you leave? After 30 every man has alot of baggage and dating is just different then it was when we were young. Especially with children. I have found it very difficult to meet men, even just to go out with as 'friends', only because they don't want the extra responsibility of some other man's children. Sex is important in marriage, definately at the top of the list, but have you tried 'toys', etc. He may shun the idea at first, but it may save your marriage.

Answer 6

It isn't that unusual not to be physically attracted to someone you are married to. For example, some men don't find pregnant women physically attractive. They don't get divorced because of that. A friend of mine, whose wife had died, told me he was never attracted to her. But, he said, he was completely in love with her--they still had a wonderful bond between them.

Realize that if you look for physical attraction somewhere else, you could ruin your 15 year marriage and the lives of your children. There may be no way to return to the life you have now.

I would suggest you go to a marriage counselor, with your husband if possible. Take a fabulous, romantic vacation (no kids) with your husband to rekindle the feelings that you had when your marriage started.

Also realize that your happiness is within you, no one can give you happiness.

Answer 7

Why did you wait so long, would be one question, too late now. You do have love for him, and have children together. If I were in your situation as bad as it sounds for me to say this, I would stay with him for the children's sake. If he's good to you, and you said he's like a good friend to you, why not stay with him till the youngest child is out of the house. As am sure many people know a divorce can do a lot of damage to a child.

I was lucky enough not to have to go through that, and talked with others who have and we have very different views on marriage. I'm recently married and couldn't be happier, and could never see myself being without her, and would do anything to make our marriage work.

Another thing you may have to do is tell him how you truly feel. Maybe suggest things he could do to make things better for you.

Good luck sorry you have to go through that.

Answer 8

Relationships ebb and wave quite a bit. Try a little more spice. Add toys or massage. It is OK to do these things. It sounds as if you are attracted to someone else and are trying to weasle your way and convince yourself that it is the right thing to do. You made a vow. No one is abusive or cheating, right? Your children are relying on you both to give them a good example of how to live life and honor a comittment. Get over it. Get counceling. Remove yourself from the other man that is giving you the temptation. Don't deny that I am right, because you know that I am.

Answer 9

it really comes down to the question: is your love for him enough to try harder? wedding vows arent meant to be taken lightly: "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part". i dont see how you can be married to someone for more than 15 years and then realize that you arent physically attracted to someone. your situation is tough, if i was in your shoes, i would think seriously about my feelings for my husband and my love for my family. it seems to me that you are projecting your feelings towards your husband; by saying that he is "better off" with someone else, you are denying your own feelings and are trying to justify your apathetic feelings. if you really think you are better off with someone who you are physically attracted to, by all means divorce him. since it has been a very long marriage, you should also consider your children's feelings--whether a divorce is something they can handle or not. make sure, however, that you tell your husband the reason for your feeling this way--do not leave him in the dark. if you're willing to try harder, however, do things out of the ordinary that you wouldn't do on a regular basis--take a long drive together, cook together, have dinner on the beach, go on a vacation (just the two of you), etc etc. hopefully, this might rekindle that spark the two of you had years ago...if not, then maybe you should look into a divorce. either way, i truly hope you are happy with your decision. good luck!

Answer 10

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