I know he means well but...?

Question

How many times can you take someone back after they do the same thing over and over? He didnt cheat. He just doesnt treat me with the respect i deserve. Im not being snobby or thinking i need to be treated like a princess but he is just mean to me. He is mean to the kids. I just got to the point where i dont even want to deal with it.

I already moved out last year then took him back b/c he made promises etc. Then it started all over again. I was just sick of it. I got a lawyer and a place to move in to and the lawyer advised me to just move out while he was at work but i felt guilty doing it that way and last night i told him i was leaving. big mistake b/c i didnt sleep at all. seriously he kept me up till 6am yelling and crying and pleading and making all the same promises.
I feel bad hurting him but i just dont believe him. I think that he will go back to his old ways. how do i leave w/o feeling like a cold hearted person.

Answer 1

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

To thine ownself be true.

If it isn't working than it isn't working. Tell him that.

Answer 2

First of all, when someone says they will not do it again, but do it again and again and again, it sounds just like a broken record. That should tell you that he is not serious in changing. He's not being accountable to his words.

You shouldn't have taken him back when you saw that he hasn't changed one bit. It would be different if he has told you that he wants to make it work, he will go to counseling for his behavior, he wants to make it better between you and him, etc....then that should tell you that he wants to make an effort to do those things. But, you need to see some changing in him first, before even taking him back. And maybe you need to sit down with him or call him, and tell him what you exspect of him to do. You also need to let him know that you do support him with getting help. Be nice and be polite!

You did the wrong thing to move back with him last year. You should have listen to your lawyer when he said to move out when he is not there at home. It would have made things much less stressed for you and the kids. I just don't know why you said, "I feel bad hurting him." When he is hurting you and your kids! You as a parent are suppose to protect your kids from anyone who is hurting them. You are the parent and your kids look up to you for protection.

Don't feel bad for leaving. He did this to himself. He just needs to make some improvements with himself and get some good counseling. It could be that something is bothering him that you dont know about. It could be many things. Just do the right thing and don'f feel guilty either, you are doing it for you and your kids safety.

You will only start believing him, when he starts making improvements or shows it with you and the kids. It is sad that it didn't work for the sake of the kids. But there is still hope!

If you want to make it work, both might have to get counseling together. If not, then your kids will grow up without a dad and you will be without him too in your lives, don't think you want that, do you?

Answer 3

Dear it is not easy, but you can do it! When you are being treated the way you are it is hard to see anything ahead of you. They can make all the promises in the world but few ever change and that is the sad news. I would consider getting ahold of a womens shelter for abused women in your area and asking to speak to some one about attending group to learn the cycle of abuse.You may have to go yourself if they allow you to the group but it would be well worth it! They will teach you how not to feel guilty about making the right choice, they will help you learn to see it before you get pulled into abusive relationships. This is something that just repeats itself when you leave an abusive relationship you usually get drawn into another because that is the way we are use to living. You owe it to yourself to be treated with respect and not treated poorly. Changing your way of thinking is the first step to feeling better about why you are leaving. I am a better person then this, I owe it to myself to be treated better then this, be sure he will try to cry the blues to you but try not to have contact with him as you learn how to handle him or he will get to you and you will go back into the same situation. Tell yourself you can make it with out him and keep reasurring your self.

Answer 4

You have to pack, and go, they dont change, they just rubberband, will be nice for a short time to keep you there, then go back to their old ways, and it continues on the same.

You cant teach an old dog new tricks, and besides you dont want the kids to see him treat you that way, it gives them a poor example of how you are supposed to treat others.

I walked out of a similar situation three years ago, it sucked in the beginning but I am just now started to learn to be happy again.

You are not being cold hearted you are looking out for your best interest and the childrens, he is the cold hearted one.

Answer 5

why are u so concerned about his feelings, isn't as if u are leaving cause u have someone else, u have a legitimate problem, plus u owe it to your children to keep them safe and emotionally well. if u have tried and he still made no effort to change, than there is no reason to feel guilty over this, u didn't cause it, he is causing it, and he had a choice he could have changed, he could have gotten therapy, any number of things he could have done. someday he will straighten up, but that someday never seems to come does it, as talk is cheap, unkempt promises are remembered, and hang over a marriage like a black cloud.

Answer 6

hello,
well i was in the same situation about 2 years ago....i did what the lawyer said and left while he was gone....it was very hard but i had enough of what my ex was handing out and he wasn't doing what he promised either.....and now we share custody of the children and get along better than ever....but at first he hated me and tried to make things miseriable between us and the children....but i had to sit him down and explain to him that there was no hope for our relationship and we were better off friends than lovers.....but now its a lot easier to see him and be there for the children together than at each others throat.....you can read all my questions and see that i still have feelings for him but i will never go back because it takes along time for a person to change and then they have to prove it to you and that is the step that we are taking....but we do not live with each other and its great we go out occasionaly for us time and we also go out as a family......but it does take alot of time.....we are doing it for the children and the love of each other.....but move and don't look back you can seperate and still be together.....there is hope for change and both of you have to be willing to change together.....i hope i have helped

Answer 7

You can't. Just leave. He needs to grow up and realize that his behavior and false promises lost him good things in life. Eventually he will come to know that and will move on with another woman who will benefit from the lessons you taught him.

You too need to move on and know that you do not deserve to be verbally abused, because that is what he is doing.

Answer 8

Honestly, if he didn't head your warning (by moving out before) do you really believe that he will acctually change? One time shame on him...two times shame on you. If you don't like the way he treats you...leave...for good!

You have to think of yourself and your kids first...you woouldn't want them to grow up thinking that this kind of disrespect is acceptable. Make yourself happy!

Answer 9

well, you should think of how he is affecting your kids and yourself and not care so much about him. It's obvious he doesn't care about you guys if he doesn't change his ways, knowing he's hurting the people he is suppose to care about. If you made it clear the first time and gave him a chance and he messed up again, he'll never change.

Answer 10

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT-HE WILL NEVER CHANGE AND THE MORE TIMES YOU TAKE HIM BACK, HE WILL JUST GET WORSE CUZ HE'S ON AN EGO TRIP SEEING HOW MUCH OF HIS CRAP YOU WILL PUT UP WITH AND THEN GO BACK TO HIM--WAKE UP--YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR CHILDREN ANY FAVORS EITHER