If funerals and services are primarily for the living?

Question

Should the livings wishes take precedence over the wishes of person dieing? I'm facing a major confict here regarding family wishes.

I'm not asking about a will. Only the services.

Answer 1

I don't envy your situation, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Well...in theory, funerals are all about the deceased and showing them respect. But in practice, it's all about the living and allowing them to grieve. That makes it hard for people when it comes time to plan the services and they need to accept that what you may have wanted for someone is not what they wanted for themselves. The most respectful thing to do is honor the wishes of the person who has passed. But the easiest thing to do is probably to give in to the loudest of the living. After all, you still have to live with them after the funeral.

Honestly, I would try to put it to the family that way. That you know they all loved the person, but you are also trying to show them that last bit of respect, by adhering to their wishes, the same way you would if it were their time to pass. I would ask the family to search their hearts and see if they can accept that this isn't their funeral, and the deceased is counting on you to be their voice, now that they have none. Make it clear that you have no wish to start a family feud, on top of the pain you all feel, and if they could please just help you to give the deceased the send off they wanted, you'd really appreciate their support. If that doesn't work, you need to do what you need to do to keep the peace. The person you lost was aware what your family members are like, and they won't hold it against you that you couldn't fight them all.

Either way, what you're doing is selfless and kind. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

The wishes of the person dieing are paramount in my view. So do what they want and to hell with everyone else's view. Surely that is honouring the dead.

Personally, I see funerals as a waste of time and money (strictly from my viewpoint) I understand that people need to grieve openly and pay respects to those love ones who have died. And if all participants (including the corpse) are in agreement with these civil ceremonies then they do more good than harm and also make a thriving trade for morticians.

I have always said that I don't want a funeral of any type. I want the body put in a body bag and taken straight to the furnace and thats it. However, I made actual inquiries regarding this (I live in Australia don't know if its the same the world over) but apparently it is law that I have to have a coffin (the service etc is optional). Hows that for bureaucracy - I can't even die in peace.

I'm sure a body bag would be cheaper than a coffin so I feel that my wishes are not being respected.

Hey Ho! No matter - once I'm dead I guess it will be someone else's problem and I won't give a damn either way the cookie crumbles or burns in my case.

Got it!

Answer 3

It is the duty of the family to honor the wishes of the dying person if the person is of sound mind. To do otherwise is to disrespect that person. Why then write a will if nothing is going to be as the person requested? The wishes of the dying person takes precedence over what the living think things should be.

Answer 4

My elderly aunt faced a dilemma a few years ago when her only son died unexpectedly. He had asked to be cremated but never expected his own mother to be the one to have to carry out his wishes. Doing so would have been very traumatic to her for personal reasons and she chose not to follow through. I think he would have understood her decision.
My 90-year-old very senile grandmother died one year ago...she left detailed instructions ...and I do mean detailed ....regarding her funeral services. Many of her wishes could not be honored because she outlived so many people involved.
The living do what they can to honor the wishes of the deceased, but only what is within reason. Only my opinion. The only preference I have is that I not be left in an open casket for people to gawk at me. If this is not honored I have sworn to come back and haunt those responsible. ;-)

Answer 5

If possible I think it is a good thing to honor the wishes of the person who has died. It is sort of a final way in which we can show them respect. However, if those wishes would cause undue hardship or unhappiness for the family, then I don't think there is any real harm in considering or following the family wishes. With my parents, we honored their wishes, which was easy to do so, since they did not cause any issues with family. Personally I will say to our children that my wishes are for them to do whatever makes most sense to them. My husband is terminally ill now and we have discussed this, and he has indicated a couple of things that are important to him - to spend as little money as possible on funeral expenses, but to do whatever makes sense for me and our daughters. He would really like to be buried at sea, but he knows we cannot do that, and he is content to do what we want to do and what we think will be best for us when he is gone. If the dead person could talk, I think he/she would say, "Do what is best for everyone who is living, because it really doesn't matter to me anymore."

Answer 6

as i said before... The Funeral is for the dead.
Most of the time the funeral is planned by the person who died. By paying our 'last respects', we respect the wishes of our deceased loved one.
If the person who died took the time to plan out their own funeral, their wishes should take precedence over the living, with only the exclusion if it is something dangerous or illegal.

Answer 7

if u have financial means to do so,honoring the persons wishes would be a nice thing to do-fullfilling one last promise.if,however,the person wants to have a service and burial that are way beyond the means of ur family,and would cause serious financial strain,or something of that nature,then maybe u can look at ur options and fullfill what u can and reach a compromise on the rest.

Answer 8

You're not very specific regarding this dilemma, but I can assure you of one very specific fact:
Wishes of the dead or dying should always come first. The living will continue on and make their own choices.
The dead or dying person made it perfectly clear to the rest of you, so give it credence... after all, it's the very last thing they asked for.
This actually requires no thought.

Answer 9

You should do what the person who died wanted. It's only right to honor their last wishes and by changing their funneral to what you want is not honoring their wishes, it's just not right.

Answer 10

Last will and testament is always a prime consideration. I'm sure you'll sort it out.