Just wrote a poem... opinions?

Question

Autumn
The wind whispers softly,
Its invisible force kisses my face,
Makes me cheeks rosy and healthy.

The leaves on the ground rustle under my feet,
The brisk air blows them swirling into the sky,
Making them suspended like snowflakes.

The trees stretch high as if to touch the clouds,
Their leaves every color,
Smile at me as the sun shines through them.

The sky is the most brilliant blue,
The sun beats softly through the turquoise,
Making me feel alive.

The coolness of the day is refreshing,
Laughter breaks the peaceful bustle,
Of this beautiful autumn.

The autumn is alive,
It touches my lungs and my hair and my face,
Like the beauty of life itself rests in the wind.

Autumn is so lovely,
The world is all connected,
By the breeze and sky of autumn.

Answer 1

IT IS INTERESTING. HAVE YOU TRIED TO WRITE STORIES? EVEN JUST YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU HAVE QUITE INTERESTING AND INTRIGUING VIEW OVER THE SURROUNDINGS. YOU NOTICE THE DETAILS WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT. TRY DESCRIBING THE FEELING THAT ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THOSE THINGS AROUND YOU. IT WILL MAKE IT RICHER. ALSO MIND YOUR VOCABULARY- THE MORE YOU READ, THE MORE YOU EXPAND YOUR ABILITY TO BETTER EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS.

Answer 2

Ok, I'll be honest, the poem is good, but I think you didn't pay much attention on connection between each part. For example you write about the trees touching the clouds and few lines later you mention that the sky is blue-incoherence. In the first lines force of the wind doesn't correspond with whispering and kissing, maybe better would be breath instead of force? Just because when you whisper it means something forceless, soft, quiet. The fourth part-decide blue or turquoise-they are two different colors.
I like the part of the beauty that rests in the wind.
Keep goin'

Answer 3

This is really nice.

One minor thing I would changed . . in the verse about the leaves like snowflakes, you might want to change it a little because it seems like the air is blowing your feet into the sky! And not the leaves :)

I would suggest adding more description of the world around you in it . .more detail about the trees, leaves, sky, etc. Perhaps something more about walking - like what you're thinking, what you pass by. It will give some "motion" to the poem and add dynamic.

It's a really really good foundation, though. Keep writing!

Answer 4

I dunno...it just seems too pleasant. Haha i'm morbid apparently. What i mean is maybe throw in a few bad things about Autumn to mix it up. The writing is good though

Answer 5

Very nice visual. nice free form too.

Question, did you meant to type "Makes me cheeks rosy and healthy." or "makes my" also note that two of the third stanza's start with "making" so "Making my cheeks...." might work

In fact poem, is nice but a bit long. You could reduce and refine to the "making" stanzas for an odd bit of consistency. "making me feel alive" is my fav line and could make a good ending.

Answer 6

I rather like it...it's very happy. Happy is always good.

You should probably get a deviant account. I noticed you put a lot of poems on here...it's a good idea, on DeviantArt you can display your work and open it for advanced critique...

www.deviantart.com

You can sign up for a free account and get pretty good results. (if you decide to, add me, www.aestasbeyond.deviantart.com)

Answer 7

Nice. Very Nice. (Truthfully, TOO NICE!) I like your word formations but it's SOOO nice that it's kind of unrealistic.
You've obviously got some talent, but with it all being so whimsically, fairytale-ish, you miss the point . Great work otherwise! :0)

Answer 8

I think it's good. It's hard to write a poem that doesn't rhyme, so it's better than i could do.

Answer 9

Very nice.

Answer 10

very beautiful, very descriptive.. you have some talent there..