How can I make my 16 year old son see REALITY?

Question

He is going to be 17 in May of this year and thinks that he can come and go as he pleases. He never calls, and if I tell hime to stay home, he leaves when I go to work. I am a single parent from the word GO. My hands are a bit tied. I have even called the Police for him coming home drunk and they sd that nothing can be done as he is in his own home. I told them that next time he comes home from a 2-4 week long run that i would not let him in and they could come get him. they sd that would get a ticket to juvinille hall and i would have to come get him. He is Drinking, Smoking Pot, and lod knows what else. HELP

Answer 1

In about 9 years, he should wake up. Remember that Mark Twain said something along the lines of, " when I was 17, I thought my father was the stupidest man on earth, at 25, I thought he was one of the smartest men I knew. Boy, my dad sure learned a lot in those few years." (not quoted verbatim)

There are steps you can do to show him the real world, but without knowing what part of reality you want him to see (girls? school? future? money? cars?) it's hard to help you.

When my son, now 23, was little, I learned the following saying and referred to it often:

"This too shall pass" and of course, serenity now!

**Edit**

Wow, you have more problems than we are going to be able to help you with. But if my son would have pulled that crap, this is what I would have done (and did do some of things as needed).

1. No alone time, he gets a job and if he is not at work, or at school, he needs to be with you or another adult. No exceptions.
2. Take away his car (if he has one)
3. All things you bought for him (ipod, xbox, cell phone, whatever) are immediately repo'd and only given back as he earns them back. Now I know, he won't think this fair or right, but the reality is if he wants to act like an adult, he needs to be an adult and pay for his own toys.
4. If you have to, take him to work with you and make him sit. all damn day, if that's what it takes. I only let him do homework, read, or help me with my work. I did this to my son and it didn't take long for him to change his attitude.

Good luck, it sounds like you'll need it.

Answer 2

Are drugs involved? If so, a major comittment will be needed from you to save him. Some kids who get into today's drugs rise through the ashes, while many continue to spiral downwards their whole lives. If there's a problem, don't take it lihjtly, thinking he'll grow out of it.

To help him see reality, you could enroll him in a program like this wonderful one for kids that age called Anecdote for Boys in Crisis:
http://www.dtmms.org/rites-of-passage/boys.htm

If it's your ordinary teen rebellion with no real harm being done, celebrate! You have a normal growing child. Rebellion is part of the growth process. Part of becoming a man or woman.

Answer 3

My ex-boyfriend had the same problem except he got into even harder drugs eventually but he was in the same path as your son. His mom was also a single parent and he had no father figure in his life since he was around 2 or 3 years old. His mom finally removed him from the situation (from his crowd and the city) and made him go live with his uncle for awhile. His uncle lived in a quiter more country town. And he got a male role in his life and for the last year before he turned 18 he turned his life around and actually got good grades for the first year ever in high school and ended up going to college.

I was just telling you my story with my ex because it sounded somewhat similar. Do you not have anyone in your family that could step in that's a male? Or maybe you could remove him and put him into a different school system?

Answer 4

Tell him you love him and you are worried about him. Listen when he talks to you, even if the subject matter doesn't seem relevant or important to you. Offer to help him get off the drugs/booze whatever is harmful to him. Just offer don't demand. Leave notes on (or in!) the refridgerator saying how much you love him and that you'd love to help him be happier if you knew how. Praise him whenever he does ANYTHING right, no matter how small in the beginning. You need to help build this kids self esteem up! That's why he's acting up, not cuz he's a bad kid. He just doesn't think he has it in him to be a good one. You gotta help him realize he can be a good kid.

Answer 5

There are these schools... There is one in Montana.. I don't know the name of it though. They basically come get your kid & haul him off with nothing... The first 8 weeks there he lives out side, learning to see what it is like with nothing... Its all very monitored & there are manditory counsiling while there... My cousins parents put him in (he didn't want to go) & it changed his life... He is so happy they did that for him! There are programs like this all over...though. Just do a search.

Answer 6

How about giving him the chance to experience it?

If his dirty shirts are put back clean and ironed in the cupboard by you, if his meals magically appear on the table, and if he has no idea how the grass gets cut, then, at 16 it's time he learned how all these things get done and by whom.

Father of two - 15 and 21. Never a day's problem with either one of them.

Answer 7

Depends on what you exactly mean... but reality and the perception of it varies from one person to the other. We all see things from different angles and different view points. But if you are meaning that you just want him to "get" a few concepts as an adult does, good luck, Dr. Phil says that the human brain at that age works very differently than that of an adult. Not only does he not understand certain concepts, he is unable to really understand them as an adult would. His brain just doesn't process info that way.

Answer 8

I wish you the best of luck, most men won't see it until retirement age, some not even then. *sigh* For that, I am jealous. :)
It's hard for a 16 year old to see anything outside of their "world". When your hormones are erupting and everyone in your class is so riddled with drama it causes the whole picture to be askew.
If he's being horribly bad (i.e. on the way to a life of crime) you could always sign him up for one of those "scared straight" deals where prison inmates talk to those who are having problems.
Not having any details, I don't have any sense of the direction I should be taking this, so I will leave it at that.
Good luck, and take care! :)

Answer 9

When I was doing that stuff, my mom kick me out and I had to get a job and I lived with a friend. I had to pay rent and there was alot of responsibility and I never had money for myself, then I realized that I wasn't ready to be grown, so I stop doing all the things I was doing and went home.

Answer 10

he's 16. sounds like he needs to take responsibility for finances.
he needs to get a job. then, he needs to put 10-20% of it into an account for college or just savings in general.
then, you agree to 2 large shopping trips per year. one for back to school and one for the spring/summer. then, the rest of the year if he wants a new shirt, then that's what his paycheck is for! same thing for eating out with friends or even gas in his car, insurance for his car, payments on his car....

my parents didn't want me to work in high school or college, but i did b/c it kept me busy, out of trouble, more financially sound for college and it kept my schedule regimented so i knew when i had time to study and i wouldn't procrastinate as much.
also, if you do make him get a job, then make sure you monitor his banking, so he doesn't cheat by withdrawing without your signature, and check in with his employer about his performance.

i used to work as a kid and i used to employ alot of kids as management at wal-mart inc. and UPS. i loved giving progress reports to employees' parents. however, don't be the parent that thinks their kid can do no wrong. kids can do alot of wrong in the workplace. understand the employer's rules and policies and make sure that they mesh with your thoughts and beliefs.

if you have a family vacation planned in july for a week, then make sure junior addressed this before being hired. that way you know ahead of time that he will have off or not and cross that bridge when you come to it.

take care & good luck!

EDIT:
o.k. scratch the job...will do no good. he's in serious trouble here. he needs a trip to a teen boot camp asap.
seriously, he needs a kick in the butt and quick before he turns 18. i would start doing research on boot camps and the like. even if you have to take out a loan to send him to one it will be worth it. OR you could check out rehab homes for boys.
i have had one cousin die from heroin OD and his parents tried everything, but he was just too hooked.
then, i've had 3 cousins into drugs and booze and have competely reformed b/c of certain programs. 2 have gone into the military. one likes it and the other isn't too wild about boot camp, but not many people are....and the other has found religion and is attending college and just got married!

there is hope, i promise! you just have to find the right formula for success.

take care.