How do you deal with your ex wife who can't live with you but can't live without you?

Question

My marriage ended some 18 months ago. I was the guilty party having had an affair 4 years earlier. We both live alone about two miles from each other and share looking after our nine year old son. We still do things together, she stayed over on Xmas eve. I would like us to try again but as soon as we have a good time she puts the barriers up until the next time. Neither of us break the cycle. It is a bit like stepping in and out of a time machine. I have tried meeting other people but that hasn't worked. As soon as I start feeling OK and that I should move on she is really nice and I go back to stage one. At one level it would be so much easier if she just met someone else but she always appears to keep the door open just a bit. I just have this feeling of being in no mans land and get very confused and angry on occasions. Its really difficult planning anything. So any help advice or just a sympathetic ear would be appreciated.

Answer 1

well, I can sympathize with her "putting the barriers up" I would too if someone I dearly loved cheated on me. I'm not placing blame on you - but surely you understand her behavior. You need to take charge and stop waiting for something from her. You need to either decide to move ahead and stop waiting for her to come around - or give her 100% of your effort and try to reconcile. Personally, I think you need to move on.
If you have been in the same back and forth for 18 months it doesn't sound like you're getting anywhere - and if either of you REALLY wanted to fix it you would have already been working towards that goal. It's great that your friendly and that you do activities together with your son. But you might need to back away from that for now. Your kinda sending your kid mixed messages. Mom shouldn't be sleeping over at dad's period if your divorced. You can still spend a lot of quality time with your kid without your ex involved. It's a bad example for him to see you with mom one minuet and with a new date the next.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like maybe neither one of you really wanted a divorce, but the affair was just too much to take at the time. Having been hurt like that is confussing as well. Maybe you two can sit down and discuss your relationship and maybe get into so counseling. If you already tried that, maybe a diff counselor would be the key. Or maybe a minister could help. You have to rebuild this wall of trust if you want to make this work, or to convince her that it was a mistake. Comunication, communicaton, communication. Just talk with her, openly.

Answer 3

You mentioned that you do not trust your husbands ex wife. The question is do you trust him? My husband has an okay relationship with his ex she calls and they talk. They were together 28 years. As long as I know I am doing everything I can to keep my husband happy, he ts not going to go back to the one he divorced. Maybe you should talk openly with him. If you can not do this, maybe you are not in a secure relationship. Is there a possibility you could find a closer place to your husband. Living apart can be very stressful in a marriage but think of all the men and women who are apart because one or the other are in the service. Love is the strongest emotion there is and I was brought believing it can also conquer all. Trust in yourself and trust in your husband. Talking is very important, do not just think the thoughts that can cause you undue stress and the imagination can cause lots of problem Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, it sounds like you two need to go into marital counseling. It is obvious that she has not quite forgiven you for the affair that you had previously. So in order for you to get back together she will need to get past the affair and be able to move on from there. Try talking to her about this, put it all out on the table what do you have to lose. Because its obvious to me that you want a second chance and it seems like you are trying. So talk to her and Good luck.

Answer 5

This is such a tough subject since there is a child involved. In any other circumstance I would say break all ties and put yourself in a position where you would not have to have any contact with her, however your son is obviously very important to you so you need to remain close for him. Do your best to involve yourself with her for only that cause. Do your custodial exchange at a meeting place instead of in a place where intimacy of any kind could occur. It is so hard to move on from the past if it is in your face everyday. Trust me on this one ( I am the GF of a man who is haunted by his past) for your own sanity and your future it is best to totally separate yourself in any way possible. You can find happiness once again if you only give yourself a fighting chance.

Answer 6

First of all, you might want to get some marital counseling. But failing that, give her a time line - say three months. Tell her that you know you messed up, and you're willing to do what it takes to work things out, but you're NOT willing to continue to play these games with her. Three months is how long she has to decide if she wants to try to work things out with you, or if she wants to move on. At the end of three months there is no going back. You must interact for the child, but don't maintain a relationship with her if she is still playing these games. You deserve to go on with your life one way or another. Don't let her keep you in limbo.

Answer 7

You both are uncomfortable moving on because marriage was not meant to be temporary.

Have sought out a really good marriage counselor? Do so research and maybe seek counseling apart and together. It's not crazy... you both still love each other. Hopefully things will work out and you both will move toward a permanant relationship again.

All the best!

Answer 8

You just have to reach the point of "enough is enough" and decide to move on. Then you let HER deal with it all. I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation (but I didn't cheat on him), but I finally came to my senses and realized that it was never going to work and I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster any more. It was REALLY hard for a while, but once I got past a certain point, I finally made it. Good luck!!!

Answer 9

TRY this.
She will spend Monday nights(family night) and Thursday afternoons with you.see how it goes for a mo. or so.
If that goes OK you can take her to dinner on Sat. nights. Just you two and no 9 year old.

Then Wed nights try bowling together on mixed league(or darts or pool ) somewhere you HAVE to be counted on for.
Show her You are done being an unforgivable poop head.
Then ask her if you can date her Exclusively.
Don't just start
up again. let her get used to you and dont be pushy.
Of course,see a counselor on Thursdays too.
It sound like she enjoys being with you...She just isnt going to be stupid about it. would you??????
I have my fingers crossed for your family!
Also BOTH of you should read the short book,
"Who moved my Cheese?"

Answer 10

Stop all the socialising with her, see your son on a regular basis and get out there and move on, she is just teasing you and wants you hanging around, just to prove she can pick you up and put you down to suit herself (it probably her way of getting back at you) It doesn't matter about the past, that's in the past. forget what you had and make a fresh start asap.