Is it Time for a Divorce?

Question

My wife and I have been together for just over 5 years now, almost 3 of them we have been married. She has 2 wonderful twin boys whom I love very much, they call me Daddy, the whole nine yards. I treat them like they were my own.
I think I love her but I know I'm not in love with her. Lately we have nothing to talk about to each other. I come home and she is usually on the phone or watching TV, the house is a huge mess and nothing has been done. Yes I understand she works "part time" but its only 5-6 hours a day while I'm working 12-15 hours a day to pay for HER car and HER past due credit cards, none of this stuff is mine, she brought it into the marriage. Its like she expects me to bust my butt so she doesn't have to. I feel cheated on the deal. I make close to $1200 every 2 weeks and she makes $100-$110 a week. Not much.
When it comes to sex I have no desire to do anything with her at all. We go to bed and the fire is out. What should I do? I talked to her and nothing worked.

Answer 1

If your NOT in love with her do yourselves both a favor and get a divorce.

Answer 2

I don't answer many of these, and certainly none I don't think I can help....

Well, she certainly came with some baggage, didn't she???--- let's see if we can help you with this one:You're a sweetie to take on two children, and I'll bet you're good to them as well. (Her credit card debt is a real red flag.. (more below))

Some things about marriage: It think it is: Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. How well are we doing so far? Included under all of this are such things as lots of consideration, lovies, ways to communicate your and her wishes and needs without rage, nor resentment. And sometimes it is just shutting the hell up. A study came out just last year on marriage, and what makes it successful. It ran for 30 years, and had a total of 30,000 couples.... One of the findings was: For every negative statement one makes, 6 positive one must cover it. The closer those number got, the less successful and happy the marriage became..... Certainly you do indeed have some resentment here, and rightly so... You took on two children, and lots of debt, and from your position, she isn't helping much. Lots of things are sliding by, and you feel cheated. And continued resentment will just erode a marriage ever so slowly.... It isn't the deal-buster that betrayal is, but it never helps, sooooo---- It is important that you and she learn to communicate, because this is where the problem seems to lie.

Firstly, there is a book you ought to buy -- "The Assertive Option" a classic in the field of communication, and used still in counseling classes, simply because no one has written one better. It teaches how to get your issues out there without rage, and without trouncing on someone's ego, and yet lay the foundations for discussion.Cheap in paperback on Amazon.com, yours by Thursday. I suggest both of you read it. Negotiating wishes and needs is tricky if you have never done it, and it does take practice. However, you guys are down the road so far with this grinding away at your relationship, that in your place, after you have read this book, make an appointment with a marriage counselor to discuss your concerns. If you try this alone, you'll get into accusatory statements " You never have the house cleaned up by the time I get home, what the hell do you do all day?" which will just ping all sorts of buttons. The more correct way is to state your needs... and soften the blow with fluffys on both side..."I am always happy to come home to you and it would be eve nicer if the house were as lovely as you are... is there anything I can do to help?" See the difference. The next stronger statement is, " I need...... or I wish ...." each telling her your wishes without trouncing... But as I suggested, this is in the realm of advanced negotiating, and you don't have that ability on your own. That's why I'd suggest 2 or three sessions for both of you to get your lines of communication open.

(regarding the credit card debt.... There are outfits out there that can get the interest rate reduced, particularly if you threaten bankruptcy.... If you didn't know it, the average card holder is $6000 in debt, and if you paid the minimum and added no more, it would take you 30 years to pay it off, but they don't tell you that. There used to be usery laws in this country ---- 19 1/2 percent is usery!!!!!! --- outrageous, and they know it. People who pay it off every month are, in the eyes of the companies, "deadbeats". So try a negotiation with your card company, thru an outfit in the yellow pages... look under credit card debt or the like...)

Then the other part. It is tough to work, and raise children... kids are extremely demanding, and divisive in a relationship, and she feels it too, but probably doesn't know what to do. You are still the same guy she married, and she is still the same lady you married, but the grind of daily life can certainly take a toll. Another book "For You Both" by Lonnie Barbach, THE sex therapist in the country today, also cheap in paperback on Amazon.com. All sorts of things to spark your relationship.

Basically what both of these book+ some counseling will do is give you both an attitude adjustment.... Hope this helps, hon. Life is too nice, and marriage can be too sweet to allow it to just die, let the years go by, your youth with it, and wake up some morning to a total stranger, and say each to the other, "What the hell happened????"

Answer 3

Alot of marriages have drama when it comes to finance. Maybe she will work a little harder and find a job that pays more, etc....

First - tell her she needs to pay off her OWN debt. We pay the bills that we acquired together - I DO NOT pay his CC bills and he does not pay my CC bills.

As for the house being a mess - hire her a maid - I know your thinking - WHY....because that is a NICE thing to do, and she will think that you are actually - thinking of her, not nagging on her house cleaning skills etc. or help her out. PLUS, if you are not saying anything to her in regards to how the house looks, then she might think that it doesn't bother you.

THEN, ask her OUT ON A DATE and plan on taking her on dates at least 2/3x's a month - this should bring the "fire" back into your marriage.

Why do people think that marriage is so just easy to get out of - think about those boys, they may not be your by blood - but they DO LOVE YOU! Also, seeing how they are not yours, if you end this marriage you will have NO LEGAL RIGHT TO SEE THEM.

Answer 4

You've honestly tried to communicate, and no response? Ouch, that's not good news! How about marriage counseling? Could that possibly help? You must of been pretty in love to take this package deal on in the first place. Now it has become old, which I totally understand, especially if she's not doing her part. (From your view point) You two definitely need a go-between to get your feelings and emotions out. I think you feel like your not being heard, just used. Would be nice if you tried the therapy before you called it quits. Even a written letter of deep feeling to your wife could possibly help. I wish you both hope!

Answer 5

Those little boys are adorable.

Please do whatever it takes not to make them pay for their mother's mistakes.

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you feel like she is using you. That if she wants you to stay in the marriage and be a father to her boys then she needs to step up and start pulling some of the weight.

Don't do it in a mean way or she'll just get defensive. NICELY say you feel overwhelmed. NICELY say you need her to help out financially by getting a better job or working more hours. NICELY say that you need her to help you clean up the house. NICELY tell her that if she doesn't want you for a husband anymore than she should keep doing what she's doing.

Answer 6

if you have tried taliking to her and that doesn't work then put the truth out on the table. I work at the very LEAST 8 hrs a day and I do all the main cleaning my house is not a mess.It sounds like she is taking you for granted.The reason you lost desire for her, is what is there to desire in a woman that makes you feel this way. If she started doing more than she does and took on some of the responsibility you would feel different. I would tell her "SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT"

Answer 7

she needs to get a full time job, she needs to keep a cleaner home, if u have talked to her, How are u talking to her, are u putting her on the defensive, or are u doing it in a loving way? know it is hard to feel lovingly. will she go to couples counseling. she has an obligation to u as a wife, if u are for filling your obligations. i think if she refuses to go to counseling, and nothing changes in your life, than it would be safe to say you will continue to feel resentful, and cheated, because u are being cheated. and maybe if things don't change, u need to move out, and get a divorce. we do teach others how to treat us, we accept this kind of treatment and fail to speak up, either because we don't want to be alone, or we know it won't do any good. don't allow her to get by with it, don't pay her credit cards anymore if she can't keep the house clean, tell her she also needs to pay her own car payment. she definitely needs a better job.

Answer 8

Do not look at your marriage as a deal. It is a union.

Your wife needs a reality check. If not from you then who better. Put your foot down but in a mannered way. You are not getting through to her; she thinks that she doesn't have to do much because you allowed her that leverage. As the man of the house comes great responsibility, understandable but you need to let her know, as the woman of the house she is to uphold that great responsibility with effort. Monetary notation is fine but there are ways to differentiate what should be expected of a spouse. It came when you both said the vowels under God.

As far as intimacy goes, there are many ways to love person without actual intercourse. 101 ways of love making. I know, ou are in a marriage but maybe one of the reasons you are so turned off is because you look at everything else that doesn't complete the union, in which, discerns you from actually being interested in more.

It is not what you want; it is what you expect. In addition, what you put in is what you get out. No deposit, no return.

Answer 9

I think you and your wife need to have a sit down and tell her where everything is at! Does she want to make love to you? If she does you need to tell her the truth that you are no longer in love with her. I mean sometimes people can get hurt but I would want to know and I did want to know and it happened to me. Sure I was hurt but that is an unhealthy relationship to continue on with and if you and your wife think you can get through it maybe ask her to clean up a bit and what not and go get professional help for the both of you. So at least if it all ends you know you have tried everything you could. Good Luck Honey~

Answer 10

You need to ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. Tell her that your marriage is very important and you want to work these things out. And you also should look at the things as both of yours, you are married and what once was hers is now yours together. And maybe you should make a budget together to curb the spending.

Answer 11

It sounds like she is using you. My ex sister-in law does that for a living. She has been married 3 x times now, and each time she does the same thing. Your her best friend until you marry her or she has no use for you any more. I do not know if your wife is like this or not; just be Leary and listen to your gut. Maybe its time for a siesta or go to counseling to and see what happens. Lots of luck