How can I control my outrages when I get upset? How can I control my out of control smart mouth?

Question

I have a problem that when I see something, normally assumed on my part, I blow up. I just keep popping off how inconsiderate that person is & always bring up a past issue that relates to the very same thing. Man & I are going through it & the bottom line, that figured out not been told, is that if I cant find control I will lose this relationship....and most likely any others that come my way. I know I have a problem expressing my emotions and anger the correct way, but what do you do when you have been this way your whole life. Can one book read & the fact that I want it to change make this work? I need advice

Answer 1

It takes practice. Lots of it. At first leave the situation and take a walk. Tell yourself that it's not worth putting the relationship on the line. Repeat affirmations aloud or to yourself 10 times at a time 3 times a day. "I am a thoughtful person, I think before I speak, Ignorant people learn at their own pace,There are more important issues to address." Tell your loved one that you are working on this and to please have patience. After 28 days you will be able to control your speaking. You will have relapses. Don't beat yourself up. Start over. Every morning of your life is a chance to start over. I believe you can do this.Have a great outlook and know you will succeed.

Answer 2

You can get self help books on anger management. I'm not sure how much they help but I suppose for everybody it's different.

I have been told that if you bring up past wrongs that have little to do with the argument in question it means you have leftover anger from your childhood. Anger you haven't dealt with. This made a lot of sense to me as I have often found myself reacting to a slight grievance that doesn't justify the amount of rage I am showing.
The fact that you want to change can make it work but it's very difficult. Managing anger is a lifetime commitment it's not something that you control once and it's gone forever. It's always there and you'll always be controlling it. The thing that he has to know is that sometimes you will still lose it however much you try.

Every personality trait has a good side to it . What's the good side of anger? I've never figured it out I don't think there is one.

Answer 3

This is one of the areas where I think a third party counselor is more effective than just reading about it. You need to have someone help you sort through whether you're justified in being angry or whether you truly have an anger management problem. You need to have assistance in turning that smart mouth into someone who's amusing (so you don't give up a part of yourself.)

What if your anger comes from always dating controlling people. Then it's not an anger management problem per se, it's a problem of picking the wrong mate.

Answer 4

First, I suggest that you give yourself a break. If someone cannot deal with your emotional outbursts they have a problem too. Also if you are bringing up past issues than they most likely have not been resolved to your satisifaction. Past unresolved issues may be contributing to your outbursts and so long as these problems remained un-resolved you will continue to have outbursts. If the past issue you are bringing up relates to the same thing you are having an outburst about it only makes sense that this may be the cause of the outburst and you don't think anything has changed.

Also, it seems to me that you are putting way to much of the blame on yourself by saying that if you can't find control that you will lose the relationship you are in. It's almost like you are taking the role of the victim in the relationship and allowing the person you are in a relationship with control you and in a moment of anger you become enraged over this. You may not be aware of it but a lot of anger issues that result in emotional outbursts stem in part from not being in control of yourself or of your relationships. You will see little children screaming at the top of their lungs in a grocery store because mommy isn't listening to them or a boyfriend screaming at his girlfriend because she isn't listening to him.

This may be where your problem stems from as it seems from your question that you bring up past issues that relate to the present issue you are having an outburst about which would lead to the assumption that nothing has changed and you feel like you are being ignored. I also doubt that you have a problem expressing your emotions the correct way. When you are angry you should express that anger even if it is hurtful to others because the alternative is for you to bottle up your emotions and to allow others to control you.

The only suggestion I would give you is to let out your emotions. Women especially like to discuss the issues while men do not. This may be part of your problem as well. If you don't believe you are being listened to you will have an emotional outburst just like little children do when they are not being listened to. I doubt from your question that your outbursts are in anyway abnormal or out of the norm of what most people have.

Arguments in a relationship are healthy so long as they get resolved and if they aren't resolved than the relationship is a bad one because it means one of the people in the relationship has more power than the other. I believe this is the case with you because not once in your question do you place part of the blame with the other person even though its clear that in your current relationship he/she is as much to blame for your having to bring up old issues that have not been resolved.

Answer 5

Always take a second to breath and run through the consequences before speaking. If you know you are going to blow up or say something regretful, remove yourself from the situation until you've calmed down.

Something I heard that I found helpful was the "Rule of Ten." Think about the consequences what you are about to say will have in ten seconds, ten minutes, ten hours, and ten years. Likely, while it won't matter in ten years if you say something smartass, your life in the next ten seconds to ten hours won't improve at all.

I've found that thinking about the longer-term consequences of what I say now has helped. I often I just want to say something that will express exactly how pissed off I am and what I think of the situation, but after seeing how doing so leads to bigger and longer and more hurtful fights, I've found just keeping my mouth shut helps the situation immensely.

Answer 6

I remember that there were some couples with the same issues in one of dr. Phil's show. He coached them in how not to do what you are doing ... I wonder if there's something on his website on the topic. There's a book he's written "Relationship Rescue" and judging by his shows, it should be good.

Answer 7

i am the same way. it makes your friends and family upset, doesnt it? i dont know what YOU should do. its your decision, but just think about what you should say, if anything, before you say it. at least do yourself the favor of that. i do forget to hold my tongue sometimes, but try.

lemme know how things work out. okay?

Love
CaRa

Answer 8

count to 10 and relax... it will be fine i promise.. i used too get really mad over the smallest things and i learned lifes too short to blow a fit... enjoy you life and what you have left of it...

Answer 9

try being dyslexic, ADHD and disgraphic at the same time, your life is a breeze.