He finally said he wants a divorce but won't give me custody. What next?

Question

Nine months after moving out, getting involved with another woman and claiming that he was not sure and didn't want a divorce when I asked him for one, he now says that he wants a divorce but doesn't want me to have full custody. I would give him liberal visitation. He has been diagnosed with Nacrccisitic(sp?) Personality Disorder. Not that this in itself is a problem but if he has the kids for two week, he is actually home before they go to bed maybe five of the fourteen nights. He hired a part-time nanny to pick up the kids and he travels all of the time. I also think that he is gay or confused. He has dumped the girlfriend and spends a lot of time with this guy "paul" and the both of them now wears clogs ( that is merely a jab at them and kind of funny but true.) Anyway, seriously, I think that he has too many people going in and out of the house. Our daughter is 6, mentally retarded and our son is 3. I believ

Answer 1

You need to get a LAWYER. A damned good one. It's not up to him to decide who gets custody. His lack of stability will be a factor. GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

He moved out - that's desertion.

He got involved with another woman while you were still legally married - that's adultery.

Even if you don't get full custody, it should be no problem for you to get joint legal custody with YOU having primary physical custody, which means a visitation schedule will be set by the court, according to the best interests of the children and his capabilities, and other than those designated times, he has to ask your permission to see them or speak to them.

He has a mental health diagnosis. He doesn't have to "give" you full custody. Chances are you can just GET full custody.

When you have a child with special needs, if you get a decent lawyer and a stable judge, you can certainly have extra precautions taken because of this, plus the young ages of the children.

Request that DSS (Department of Social Services) do a Family Assessment of the children's situation in both homes (yours and his) and make recommendations to the court. If they won't do it just for you... then request through your attorney that the judge have it ordered.

Get documentation of his diagnosis, his work and travel schedule, when he left you and the children and any proof of his relationships. Also get documentation of your daughter's special needs and have the school psychologist do an assessment on her and documenting that she would do best in a stable environment etc (all kids with special needs do best in a stable environment) :)

Depending on your location, courts tend to swing one way or another, but in almost every situation, courts easily award joint legal custody to parents with PRIMARY physical custody to the more stable of the two, most often the mother unless she's a drug addicted hooker who molests young children and then eats them.

Once this is all established, keep records of anything that's amiss while the children are with him. Over time it's not hard to have his visitations limited, supervised or eventually revoked depending on his behavior.

Best to you...

Answer 3

He does not decide who is the better parent or who has what custody, the Judge does, and he decides what's best for the KIDS, not the parents. Get a lawyer, and do not worry. Judges almost never give to the father unless the mother is so far gone that she is a danger to the kids.


Father thats been there.

Answer 4

Sweetheart you have enough to have full custody of your kids. You just make sure you have your proof. The courts usually tend to the mother in cases concerning minors, esp with a special child.

You can even go as far as only supervised visit for sometime if you can convince the courts that he really is unreliable and you are concerned for the safety of your children.

Answer 5

From now on, document everything! Get a good attorney and don't be afraid to raise the issue of his personality disorder. Narcissist's DO NOT make good parents. Their only concern is for themselves, hence the diagnosis. I have custody of a 17 y.o. step child who was raised by a narcissist mom and he is displaying so many of the same traits. I don't know if it's genetic or environmental but it's a very difficult personality to live with. Best of luck and remember, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. It just might come in handy.

Answer 6

A lot depends on where you live, however most jurisdictions want both parents involved in the care and upkeep of their children, and are reluctant to deny custody unless real abuse or neglect can be proven. Alternative life styles are not generally considered too much of a liability, again depending on the jurisdiction and the judge or referee assigned to your case. I would phrase all my arguements in terms of stability, continutity of care, and parenting abilities. The fact is that the children have a right to a relationship with both parents and do so much better if their parents still maintain a common front in terms of their care.

Answer 7

You would be wise to ask for full custody of the children, with visitation. Your kids are much too young to be involved in his curious lifestyle. Best wishes!

Answer 8

And this is why a judge will make the decision.. If he's capable of being a decent father to ur kids.. (no matter his sexual orientation).. if he is a good father.. then why wouldnt u want him to be in their lives as much as possible????? So many women out there begging their x's to step up to the plate and be a dad, so many kids wishing their dads cared enough about them to see them once a year let alone on a regular bases.. Please try and remember, whatever feelings u have about him personally shouldnt affect your childrens needs, and they need a father just as much as they need their mother.. Now, i dont believe they should be with a nanny when they could be with u.. and i dont believe a judge would go for that either.. they should be with one parent or the other at all times if thats possible.. one thing to be in daycare for a period of time during the day, another when someone else is actually caring for your child on a regular daily bases.. Dont fault him for wanting to stand up to the plate, and dont let ur personal feelings towards him hinder his right of being a good father.. You along with him, will have ur day in court to put your feelings on the table where custody is an issue, and the judge will decide what he feels is the best situation for your children.. And just because u say u'd give him liberal visitations.. doesnt really mean that they will be upheld.. remember all liberal visitation is, Him ASKING to see his own children, and you getting to say yes or no.. he wants to be a part of their lives just as much as u do.. and he is just as much their parent as u are.. how would u feel in his shoes of having to "ASK" to see ur own children and him getting to say yes or no and u having to live with that answer if its no? He wants to insure equal time with his kids, and thats not a bad thing.. be greatful that u have a man thats willing to "want" to be a father even if he was a lousey husband. And I know what im talking about im the mom of 3 step mom of 2 others, with an ex husband, married to a man that has 2 children, my x husband has seen our children 2 times in the last 6 years and ive whiped many tears of "why doesnt daddy come see us" and , my current husband see's his kids on a regular every other weekend schedule and any other time his x will "ALLOW" him to see his kids.. hes a good father but it sux having to ask someone else to see your own Children.. and having to hope they say yes.. and thats "shared custody with liberal visitation" Do what is best for your children.. and the best is keeping him in their lives as much as possible..letting him be a parent.. if he was still with u , he wouldnt have to ask ur permission to take the kids to the store with him..or to take them to the park.. he'd just be their dad.. and u were fine with that.. now the only difference is he's not with u..

Answer 9

You get a lawyer and file for full custody giving him weekend visitations, he sounds like he is a few fries short of a happy meal.

Answer 10

I don't know but what you need to do is fight for your kids take that man to court and try to get your kids back. Is something wrong with you that youdon't have your kids. If you go to court and you can't get your kids the would look and your side of the family to see who they can give your kids to. All i can say is get your kids away from that man.