I'm a writer starting out, I'm working on my first story, I'm not so sure about the first chapter... is it any good? Or does it need a change? Thanks in advance! :)
Chapter 1.
Why me?
I wish I could zap her away--- the new girl I mean, Vanity Fanigan is such a pain. I don’t understand why she even sits with us; she smacks her gum like a cow, and talks really loud like she swallowed a microphone. I mean, just yesterday, we were all three of us in the toilet: Me, my best friend Eileen Conner and that Vanity Fanigan, she was checking herself out in the mirror, suddenly she starts screaming, “OH MY GOSH!” I thought my ears would break; but she screamed, “LINDA!” even louder, there was no one else around other than us, so I really didn’t get it, but Eileen got it; she nearly laughed herself to death. They were both laughing like crazy....
The rest of the chapter doesn't fit in here, but if you like you could check it out at http://nadine-rymes.blogspot.com
2007-01-08 05:54:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Sorry for any grammatical mistakes in this chapter, I posted this up soon after I wrote it; I guess I should have waited and re-read my story a lot… I always tend to hurry everything. But, I’ll proof read like crazy in the future!
Thanks a million you all helped so much :) I just wish I could choose more than one person as best answer!
2007-01-09 05:38:31 · update #1
I've read your first chapter: as this is your first atempt at writing, perhaps its good advise from an old guru - NEVER write in the first person! Let a central character tell the story (it is easier to stay objective too) and write it in the past tense throughout. You tend to mix your tenses and by sticking to the past tense, you'll avoid this common pitfall for new authors. It seems you are writing for you own age group (younger readers), yet don't become patronizing and use slang, or sentences as young people would use them in their common speach. As a writier you have an obligation to educate your readers in proper language usage too, so rather use good English than slang. Get someone to assist you in the editing (especially language technicalities). An example is your sentence: "Me, my best friend Eileen . . ." The correct language usage would be "I, my best friend . . .", also ". . . she talks loud like she swallowed a microphone . . . " which should be: ". . . like she HAD swallowed a ..." (the correct tense). Another tense confusion: " . . she WAS checking herself out in the mirror, (and) suddenly she STARTS screaming . . . " - "suddenly she STARTED to scream . . ." and so I could go on and on . . . At least you write about people you probably know, and could identify with, which makes them believable, and from the little that I have seen, I would actually like to read more about them. Your characterization is plausible - I could actually envisage this Vanity (very aptly named by the way!!) Fanigan in my mind's eye. Get the technicalities right and you'd have a good story which might appear in the pages of a teen magazine like "Seventeen" even! Good luck and don't get disheartened!!!
2007-01-08 06:15:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't often say this but, I think it's very good. The only tendency you have that I think you should look out for is telling not showing. To explain, the incidents with dialogue ie in the girls bathroom are very dramatic and you demonstrate very clearly what the characters are like and how the protaganist is feeling about Vanity which is great, but then you move on to a paragraph which just explains that the pushing away occured. I think you could do that much more powerfully by describing another incident.
Great start, well done
2007-01-08 06:07:17 · answer #2 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-09-03 18:16:25 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really liked the parts where she was feeling left out. You're really good at conveying those feelings. I found the characters (well vanity anyway) a little to exagerated.
2007-01-08 08:27:01 · answer #4 · answered by bluecolouredflames 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The story is not really something that I would personally be interested in, but it sounds intriguing. Besides a few grammatical errors, I think it's fine. Oh,and if you need anyone to proofread, I'm your girl. ^^
2007-01-08 05:57:54 · answer #5 · answered by Delvala 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It’s nice. You have a unique style. Keep writing and honing your craft!
Check out these articals:
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/crafttechnique/a/writingstyle.htm
http://agcomwww.tamu.edu/market/training/power/develop.html
http://www.designsensory.com/pws/index.html
2007-01-08 06:11:41 · answer #6 · answered by Ralph 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I just read the excerpt on your blog, I think its great and I wish I could read the rest now!!!
2007-01-08 05:59:15 · answer #7 · answered by Tracerd 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really like the story just revise and correct it a little bit! GOOD LUCK :)
2007-01-08 06:05:18 · answer #8 · answered by MissDiva 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like your description.Maybe be a little more colorfull and more nice.Truthfully I feel sorry for Vanity.Just my opinion.
2007-01-08 06:22:02 · answer #9 · answered by Colt A 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it sounds very grade 6-8. i suggest that if you are serious get some help. i don't even want to continue reading.
2007-01-08 05:57:13 · answer #10 · answered by bananananana 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋