My husband and I have been together for a little over two years now I have a daughter that is 11. And I am in such a spot I love my husband very much but I feel as I need to choose my daughter or my husband. My husband is expecting way to much out of my daughter and if she doesn't act like he thinks I am suspose to punish her and I don't. She is a pre teen and I think he is wanting to much out of her. We have two computers in our house right n ow he is out on the road for a few weeks. My daughter and I are not allowed on his computer at all. But the pc he has does belong to my daughter he is using it for 6 months. That is another story. I think my husband wants to much out of my daughter and he is a very selfish man. He said the reason he is like this is because everything he ever had got taken or broke. I am up holding my daughter all the way. Yes she does wrong but who don't. Is my husband wrong by being selfish? Or is just me.
2007-01-08 04:23:17 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband has serious problems and he's trying to make them seem like you and your daughter are at fault... Geeezzz... she's an eleven year old, what can you expect... she's growing, learning and adapting... She is at a very important age and needs all the "good" guidance you can give her... Your husband is obstructing that...
2007-01-08 04:34:25 · answer #1 · answered by deakjone 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
YOUR DAUGHTER is important!!!!!!!! You are her mother and her role model and need to show her how to grow into a wonderful woman! Of course teens can be hard to manage but it is common between all parents to disagree about parenting. Have a family meeting and find a compromise or tell your husband plain out what is up and tell him you think he is selfish. (why cant you be on his computer? Doesnt he trust you either? THATS NOT RIGHT!) Being a parent is all about giving things up and compromising. He has a lot to learn because things get broken all the time whether accidental or not! The daughter needs her own PC back, he can get a different one if that is the way he wants it to be. If he is selfish then he can not make a good parent. Selfishness and parenting are like the two things that clash the most! When he married you, you came with a package (a daughter) and I'm sure he knew that. If he wasnt ready for daddyhood, he shouldnt have married you. Now its time for him to grow up and get on the same page as you!! You need to establish some common guidelines and disciplines regarding parenting within your family. If he cant compromise, he is too selfish and needs the boot!
2007-01-08 04:41:59 · answer #2 · answered by jessBcuz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YES! your husband is absolutely wrong by being selfish. You are NOT wrong! and do not choose him because the way you describe it seems like he's disturbed by his past & is taking it out on your daughter. If he's making you choose, then YOU CHOOSE YOUR DAUGHTER. Don't ever dump your kids or throw them away, especially for a man. If he cares enough for the family, he will make ends meet by trying to work things out. Fighting over computers & personal possessions is IMMATURE. As an adult, he should know that children deserve a lot more than him. He probably just doesn't care because that's not his own daughter (it's yours) so he doesn't care to respect her. Your job as a wife & mother is to make sure they try & both get along. The love & respect in the family is much more important than focusing on who's computer belongs to whom & who's not allowed to use it, or whatever. Anyway, You daughter is still in the process of growing up & maturing, let your husband know that. Let him know she's important & he needs to respect her or they need to respect each other. You both have this important job as parents to teach her all the good things in life, how to act the correct way, how to handle situations, etc. Showing her that selfish attitude will just teach her that it's o.k. to be selfish, and that's wrong. Let him know you both need to set a good example towards her, since she's still growing up. You want her to be in a good environment & have 2 parents that love & support her no matter what. This would mean a lot to the families future, as well as your marriage with him. But....all in all...DO NOT CHOOSE, if you end up having to, just know that the person who needs you the most is your little girl. No matter what her age. Don't let her down, for she needs you now & the rest of her life.
GOOD LUCK!
2007-01-08 04:37:34 · answer #3 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Many marriages fail for this very reason. It should not be necessary for you to choose between them, and you would be well advised to remove yourself from the middle! If the computer is hers, get it back to her. Make sure he has one of his own.
It sounds like the house rules aren't agreed upon by you and your husband. That is the first thing I would resolve. When you married this man, you married him to your daughter, as well. That means that she must respect him as an authority figure, and he must love her and raise her as his own child. It also means that you must respect him in this role and make sure the rules are enforced. He needs to be enforcing them, as well. Doesn't sound like that's happening.
If this is his first experience parenting, understand that he's clueless. He's bound to make mistakes and misjudge situations. But he's trying, bumbling as that might be right now. And a preteen is a difficult thing to suddenly adapt to. Berating him for his mistakes and siding with your daughter will not fix a thing. Remove yourself from the middle, and start negotiations with your husband. Settle the house rules for everyone's conduct (yes, he gets a vote), make sure he and your daughter have a chance to get to know one another without interference and unnecessary tension, and just relax a little. If the rules are reasonable and clearly laid out, things will make much more sense.
What you perceive as selfishness might be your husband defending his territory. He is likely threatened and upset with the way you and your daughter side together against him, and that's understandable. I can also see where you're coming from, particularly if you and your daughter have been on your own for a while. For your sake and the ones you love, I do hope you can find a resolution, and I hope your family finds its way. Blessings.
2007-01-08 04:50:06 · answer #4 · answered by Evalina Shezadreema 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should be there for your daughter without question. Your husband is a grown man and can take care of himself. As a marriage of course you should discuss your feelings with him and care for him, provide love and meals and a clean home for him, well, for all of you, but once again, he is a grown man.
Your daughter still needs your guidance, your unconditional love, your support and your attention. She is not a grown woman.
I suggest, that while your husband is away, this is a good time to have a talk with your daughter. Tell her what you just said here, that you feel he asks too much of her. This will reassure her that you are not pushing her away. Then talk about how things could be better in the home, what can she do to help more and what you can do to help her. Write things down too, time schedule, chores and fun times together as a family or just you and her or just your husband and her. When he comes home talk to him about what you discussed and let him know she needs the both of you to be consistant.
I am a mom and nothing and no one can come in between my son and I. No one! He is my life.
This could work out...no wait, this will work out, if all of you communicate with each other.
About your daughter not being allowed to use his computer when it is really hers?? Well, I would respect that right now and talk about it with him when he gets back. He needs to be shown respect too.
You are a good mom, don't worry about how you were feeling. We are not perfect and sometimes we think we should know how to act or react perfectly. Well, we don't and you are just trying to do the right thing.
The right thing is, be there for her, she needs you. And love your husband and talk to your husband and be honest because he needs that too...so do you.
Good Luck.
2007-01-08 04:37:05 · answer #5 · answered by megabites42 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As you have so many responding to your question, I hope you see this one from a stepfather.
When I married, my wife's son was your daughter's age. Eleven years later, I can tell you that he needs to change his way of thinking. ( I did). First, he needs to realize, that though you are his wife he is not instantly your daughter's father. A step-parent is different. Any parenting he does toward your daughter ust be licensed by YOU. She knows you as mom, not him as dad (that relationship must grow- its never immediate). Your expectations for your daughter should be agreed by you and your husband, before communicated to your daughter. She may already have problems living up to two standards.
He also must realize that if there is a property or privacy issue he must mitigate it. Like using the computer if he doesnt want you using it he should get his own. Likewise, a parent needs to have adminstrative priviledges on any computer thier childs has in the house.
I hope this helps and your daughter and husband can find a cooperative relationship.
2007-01-08 05:19:43 · answer #6 · answered by zax_fl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Support your daughter. Your husband sounds like a control freak. I've seen this situation in my sister's family. She's been torn between her daughter and husband. The problem hasn't gotten any better with time.
Your daughter is a pre teen and is going to make mistakes. That's expected, that's how we learn. Don't let your husband bully you or your daughter. Tell you husband to buy his own damn computer. You're husband sounds extremely selfish. You're not wrong.
2007-01-08 04:34:51 · answer #7 · answered by katydid 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For the most part Mothers are to soft on kids and Dads are a little to hard. You two need to sit down and find a happy medium! I'd rather be a little to hard and keep my kid in line, than to be to soft and have her end up running wild! No, you don't choose between them, you find a way to solve it! That's what being married is all about! You will end up having your daughter think she doesn't need to listen to her step Dad at all, and I don't think that's what you are going for. If this guy is so selfish, then why did you marry him? I think you are just lacking on communication! Sit down together away from your daughter and get some household rules established with the punishment for not following them. You both need to be consistent with her!
2007-01-08 04:33:19 · answer #8 · answered by wish I were 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Husband sounds very controlling and the possibility of abuse here may run high. Communicate with your husband your feelings and if you can include your daughter in a family talk (as she needs to be heard also). Your daughter was around a lot longer then he he has been and is suppose to be the mature one whereas your daughter is still just a kid and needs both of your unconditional love. If he is so afraid of your daughter using her own computer then maybe he needs to purchase a laptop for himself. Family counseling may be another good option for this family in order to try and resolve issues. Best of luck and stand up for yourself and let your feelings be heard and respected.
2007-01-08 04:30:54 · answer #9 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like a controlling situation to me. You need to choose your daughter and have your own personal things that you bought with your money and that has your name on it. If he is this controlling then he can also be potentially abusive and you need to get out. He is just using an excuse because he also sounds very insecure. You need to choose you and your daughter. Where are your personal interests, you personal hobbies, your sense of identity. Your daughter is a pre-teen and can semi-look out for herself. do you have a job? if not then get one. you need to have your own personal things. if he doesn't like it then it may seem that he has a much bigger problem than what is seen on the surface and you may need to expedite how quickly you get out of this relationship. there are two computers in the house but you are not allowed on any of them. also seek out the advice of an attorney/hire a personal investigator to see what he is really doing when you are not looking.
2007-01-08 04:53:02 · answer #10 · answered by cfalways 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋