The step children have asked their father to leave me?

Question

I've previously posted questions about the step children; they hate me and I still am not sure why. Over the weekend they got together and asked their father to leave me. They said that they don't like me and am tired of not being able to visit him at his home (they can visit, but choose not to because I'm here). They insisted that he get a DNA test for our daughter. He told them "I'll think about it." I was flabbergasted and cried in the bathroom for hours.

I don't want my tears to influence his decision to stay or go. I'm not even sure that I want to wait for him to decide. Part of me wants to kick his a*s*s out of our house and refust to let him see the baby ever again. Then the other part of me wants to wait for him to see that his older kids are just being mean. Any advice?

***How on earth this could be my fault is beyond me. I married him after he had been separated for years. I've invited the kids into the home for holidays, their birthdays and simply to spend time with us. They refuse. I've been kind and gracious even when I wanted to strangle them.

****Improving myself will not improve the children. If you had read the entire question you would know that part of me wants to do leave him and never let him see our child again, but the other part of me knows that is wrong. I'm asking for help, not for someone to tell me how wrong I am. If I had ever been mean or ugly to the children then I could understand the ugliness, but I've been kind to both of them. I don't deserve to be treated like this by these children nor do I deserve for my husband to say that he'll "think about it."

*****We're not talking about babies here--- we're talking about twenty-somethings (yes, I know their real ages) with children of their own.

******Americn Beauty--- You are downright mean!!! I am not mean to the children. I don't even see them. If you would read the previous posts as I suggested you would have read that the children don't visit here because they hate me. We bought a camper and set it up in the town that they live in. That's where he stays when he goes to see the kids. We have gone to a lot of expense to pacify these 20ish year old kids (yes, i do know their real ages, but that's none of your business). He doesn't even have running water in the camper, but he goes there to make them happy so that he can spend time with them. They've never liked me and they've never evn talked to our daughter. The children have had more than $50,000 spent on them in the past 6 months alone. He gives them money to live on, pays their bills, gives them money just because and so on. I don't care about any of that. As long as we don't suffer everything is okay. The problem is not with me.

I have never had a relationship with them. I've never had a chance to talk to either one of them, not in person or on the phone. The youngest one did visit here once, but she never spoke to me at all. She wouldn't even come out of the guest room to eat breakfast wih us. I prepared her a plate and sat it at the door for her. The oldest one hangs up if I answer the house phone. He did tell her to stop calling if she was only going to hang up. I can't keep being blamed when I don't play any part at all in their lives. I can't be expected to give of myself constantly when they act as badly as they do. What choice do I have but to just give him up. I can't live with this ugliness in my life forever. Who could?

To all of you who REALLY tried to help me on this way-- THANK YOU. Some of you didn't read the question properly or chose to just be mean. I hope none of you have to go through these experiences. To those of you who read my other posts---Thank you for being so careful in your answers. To those of you who understood that others were being mean and ignorant---I appreciate your support. I still have no idea what to do in this situation, but have a lot of great advice. I haven't made a move yet and think it's best that I don't for awhile. He deserves time to really think about how to handle his children. In the meantime, I will simply love and enjoy him.

Thank you!!!!

Answer 1

I'm sorry there are so many stupid and ignorant people in this world. Meaning some of the people that have posted answers!!! I think you need to do what usually works best, sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and your side of things. The children obviously wish that their parents were still together which is why they hate you. They may think that they can get them back together if you are gone...maybe their mother is putting them up to it. There are so many maybes! I'd have your husband invite the kids over, if they won't come because you are there then have him say that you won't be and sit down and talk to them face to face... ask those little punks why they are insisting that their father leave you and ask what you have done to them and do allt this with your husband present. Your husband has kids, yes... he also has one with you, but you two made vows and for him to let his selfish kids get in the way of something sacred like your marriage is just down right wrong. You may also want to question how much you and your daughter mean to him, no one needs a husband and a father that will second guess something with his partner if there has never been a reason to. If your husband loves and trusts you, he will say screw the paternity test and he will sit down and tell the kids whether they like it or not, you are his wife whom he loves and they need to learn to get along with you. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 2

The scriptures give the answer: "...if someone wants to be an elder, he desires an honorable responsibility...He must manage his own family well, with children who respect and obey him. For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God's congregation ?)..." 1 Tim 3:1-3. When a child reaches the age of responsibility, he or she must make a personal decision with regard to dedication and baptism. If an elder has clearly given needed spiritual help, guidance, and discipline, yet the youth does not choose to serve God, the father is not automatically disqualified from serving as an elder. On the other hand, if an elder has several minor children living at home who, one after the other, become spiritually sick and get into trouble, he might no longer be considered to be “a man presiding over his own household in a fine manner.” (1 Timothy 3:4) At that point he may be asked to or chose to stop serving as an elder until circumstances at home change. Either by the minor children doing spiritual progress or they become of age and move out. Just noticed the addition... the 65 % choosing to leave...I'm not sure what this number is based on. Never heard that being a fact... and, since I don't have the ability to know what has happened, it wouldn't be fair to take a stand for or against. But if I may, in all sincerity: If you think something wrong has been committed and truly want justice, I encourage you to humbly and calmly contact the body of elders of the congregation where it happened. Of course, not the accused. Keep in mind, that the Creator is not responsible for wrong actions. He cares for you and loves you dearly. (Psalms 72:12,13) Trust Him to work it out. If something needs to be revealed, it will be. In due time, it will. But, please, don't punish Him nor yourself by staying away from having a wonderful relationship with one another. With love, E.

Answer 3

This is an extremely difficult situation for you and bound to cause allot of stress and anger which makes it really hard to decide what to do under these emotional conditions. This part you should communicate to your spouse. Tell him it is very humiliating for you to wait while he makes the decision regarding your relationship. His kids shouldn't have any say about it as it involves three people only, you, him and your daughter as far as your concerned. Tell him you'll respect his decision but will never give up your daughter or submit to any more abuse by his children because the stress on yourself and your daughter is very unhealthy and unwarranted. Try and do as much for yourself and your daughter to make your lives pleasant even if this means getting in the car and taking off for good. I hope and wish you the best of luck but what ever you do with your life do things for yourself that respect your own dignity and make you feel good about yourself as life is a short trip. I'm sorry you've had to suffer but you don't have to anymore if you don't want to. There is someone waiting for you in the future who won't be in such doubt and will put you first and give you the respect as a wife you deserve. Take care of you and your daughter first! Be patient, look in the right places! Those kids of his should grow up and let their father make his own decisions. Strange world where the children tell their parents how to live their lives.
Your Friend,
Nico

Answer 4

I read your previous question--this guy needs to get a backbone--I would suggest that you suggest family counseling. If he needs to move out while you guys do that, then fine--but he has obligations to you and your child that he is expected to keep as well--remind him of that.

Those kids are playing him and he's letting it happen. I'm not a religious person----but even I know that the bible says a man shall leave his mother and cling to his wife---the same thing is true here but the mom is now his kids. His loyalty should be to you--b/c one day those kids are gonna be gone. You, however, will be around forever (provided he doesn't mess things up right now).

Ask him what's he going go do when those kids are grown? Be alone? Honey, you are in a tight tight spot-----it's decision to make--I just think that, for the sake of your own child, you do need to try to work things out with all of you through a counselor. Good luck!

Answer 5

I would suggest you have a heart to heart conversation with your husband to let him know how you feel. He should be nice to his kids but not be told what to do. He is the parent and should control their behavior by explaining to them how things should be at your home. He needs to sit down with them and explain that this is how things will be now and that they should treat you with respect even if they don't call you mom. (i always had a problem with my dad telling me to call his new wife mom) If he can't handle that then he needs to go to counseling with his kids.

It sounds like the step kids are being told awful things about you and their dad. How else would they know about Dna testing. Although kids do have a mind of their own and television teaches many things. I do see how they might not understand why dad has someone new and they might think there is nothing wrong with their mom being with him again. When I was little and realized that my parents were divorced I cried and thought I could change things. When my dad took me to visit him I made my step mother cry by telling her awful things. I told her my dad loved me more than her because I was there first and that she would never be my mom. I would ignore her and tell her that I was going to make my dad go back with my mom. All I wanted to do was make my parents come back together without understanding the reason why they separated. Make sure he tells them that it was not their fault that he and his ex separated and that he loves them always.

Your little baby has nothing to do with her step brother/sister behavior and should not be taken away from her dad because of them. Have some more patience and be as nice as you can be even though they rebel and say mean things. Your husband should always back you up when they don't respect you to let them know it is not right.

Answer 6

This is a tough one. My opinion is that your bf should not give his children so much power as to let them think they can make a decision about his life. Of course they are an important part of his life, but it is his decision who he loves. He will have to be strong and take alot of negetivity from the kids. He better set the record straight with them and let them know you are not going anywhere, and that they have a new sibling, and that you all have to make an effort to bring this new family together. It will take time but it can be done. Don't worry about his comment "I will think about it. He was just trying to get the kids off his back." He is in the hot seat and he is uncomfortable. Once again He is the adult , he is in charge, he has to let these kids know that.There is nothing you can do at this point except take care of yourself and the baby. If he wants you in his life, he will grow some balls.

Answer 7

Your husband needs to grow up and get some backbone and put those goddamned kids in their place once and for all. I'm 52 remarried and had this same issue with my adult kids.

I didn't hesitate to cuss the kids out for their stupid selfish meddling in my marriage and disrespecting my wife. I basically told them if they couldn't accept her and I being together they could basically leave and stay gone until they could.

I told them i thought they were being extremely selfish cause all they cared about were their own selfish desires. They had no concern whatsoever how i'd feel leaving my wife. They just didn't care.

This was 6 years ago. It took about a year for the first one to come crawling back and basically only because they wanted money, i sent her packing with nothing because she still had the same attitude.

Now after 6 years all have come to realize that if they want me involved in thier lives, they have had to accept the fact that i'm re-married and happy and that my wife is included in all that i do.

Have your husband read this answer. It's the only thing he can do, if he won't put you ahead of his adult children, then i'd kick his butt to the curb and move on with your life.

Answer 8

My step children have done the same thing--- over and over and over again. They never seem to stop. He's still here, but now I'm tired of the crap that comes along with him being here. I may be the one with the "mean streak" but the simple fact is that as long as he is in my life, those d@mn kids are in my life too. Like yours, they are also twenty-somethings with their own children. Both of them are mean, hateful and full of evil. I've had to decide if I need to stay here with him or to move on without him, and therefore, without those d@mn kids. I hope that you find a way to work out your problems. My way has been to kick him out of the house. I don't need the evil in my life anymore.

Answer 9

You both have a right to live your life! You dont understand him because you havent spent your life living for his children and their happiness. He needs to do so many things, like tell his children to stop talking trash about you, refuse to talk about you at all in any negative way! The fact that he said he would think about it, should say it all. Why? Why is he letting the kids talk about you like this?

Leave now and let the court do the DNA test and let his sorry butt pay for 20 years.

Go find someone who respects you and is willing to stand up for you.

Cyn

Answer 10

Know what? You are the enemy. You are in the way of Dad going back to the kids' Mom. If not for you, they could convince Dad to come on back home where he belongs.

And, because you are the hated one, it stands to reason that the baby should have a DNA test. Likely, you've had lots of affairs and other mean and nasty things like that.

The above is where these kids thinking is at. Not really true, of course, but that's what the kids want to believe. You can't really fight that.

Stay right there, and make sure your husband knows that you love him, and your baby needs him.