How do I grieve my divorce??

Question

I was married 11 yrs. It was hard. Very long story, but I was with my husband from age 20-34, and now that we've been separated 1 month, he already has a new girl. It's no loss cause he was verbally & mentally abusive. I dont want him back at all. I pretend to be someone else on myspace & he feel for it, and talked so much crap about me (his wife). I confronted him, but I have so much anger, sadness, loss but yet I hate him, how do I feel better? I already have a boyfriend who is the best guy in the world. We had been together for 2 yrs while my husband and I had separated before. I only broke up with him to try again with my husband. I moved from CA to NY to be with my husband and as soon as I got there, it sucked. I was there 11 months till my husband kicked me and my 4 kids out on Thanksgivingh night. I drove 25 hrs and came back to my ex-boyfriend who was waiting for me & never stopped loving me. I'm happy but I'm just having a really hard time. How do I overcome this and move on?

Thank you all soooo very much. every one of your answers has helped me. Its so good to know, I am not alone and others have gone through this too. I will not give up. Thank you.

Answer 1

go out and party..take a few days away and just let loose..

you will thank me afterwards...

just dont become an addict to anything, chemical, human, or financial....

Answer 2

I'm really sorry that you are going through such a hard time in your life right now. Perhaps what you really need to do is to take a personal inventory of your life. Who are you really? The boyfriend thing can wait and probably should wait. Right now you and your kids should be your priority. Your anger and sadness, as much as you say you don't want your husband back, probably stems from your feelings of loss and being scared of what lies ahead. Most times the known, even a known abusive relationship, is easier than what we don't know. Grieving is not something that stops over night. Allow yourself to cry. Cry until you there are no more tears and then cry some more. How do you overcome it all? Learn from it. Put your past where it belongs and begin anew. Wonderful things will come but you won't be ready to accept it if your arms don't have any more room because you are still holding on to past baggage.

Answer 3

Being married means that two people have become one flesh. Of course that is in the Bible but it doesn't really matter if you believe in the Bible or not, the fact is this principle is true and you are feeling the effects of that principle now.

When you and your husband seperated didn't it really feel more like you were being torn apart? The reason for this is because that is what is happening. I am certain that the marriage was horribly abusive and you are relieved to be out of that situation. But even so, it is painful when you are being torn apart. And just like any tearing you don't get to keep all of yourself. Some parts of you will be be forever gone.

Can you recover from this? Absolutely!! You will need a good support group to get through this. On the internet look up a local "Divorce Care" or "New Beginnings" program that you can join. They will become a very strong support as you search for who you are as a single woman and to recover from the trauma that you have and are going through.

Answer 4

It's important and great that you realize the fact that there is a grieving process to the end of a relationship. Much like a death you will grieve this and go through all the feelings and emotions, but you must allow them to happen naturally and not force them or deny that this is happening. Soon enough you will be over it and come to realize that what happened was for the best (it sounds like for both you and your children) and be able to get on with your life. When I broke up with my first wife I was so much in denial and the only think in the world I wanted was to be reunited with her. Now years later I am much wiser and realize that if things had gone as I wanted that my life would not be as it is today and the relationship would never have worked out. If you were the victim of verbal abuse it may take a little longer and it may be necessary for you to go and take some counseling in order for you to be better able to put some closure on this relationship for good. Best of luck in both your life and new relationship.

Answer 5

Hi; Its never easy to lose a arelationship good or bad. I am sorry for what has happened in your life. You need to get all your emotions out. Cry if you feel like it, get mad, what ever it takes. Waves of sadness will always come up as your thoughts turn to your X and how you wish it could have been. The reality is that it was bad, and he made you feel bad and the children were sufffering too. I am happy you have a good man in your life now. Try to focus on building the relationship you want with him. Your children need stability and a good male role model in their lives. Don't worry you will be less and less sad over time. The happier you get building your new family unit, the less you will want to think about the past. Take Care

Answer 6

It's not just about the ex-husband, it's about "loss" in general, and maybe the feeling that you failed at something, plus perhaps some guilt that your kids do not have both parents together. I would highly recommend counseling for you and the kids, a good church, and do something to make you feel good physically, i.e. an exercise program at home or in a gym. Grieving is certainly something you need to do as part of the healing process, but at some point your kids are going to need you to move past it and help them move on into a bright, positive future. It's time to get started. :)

Answer 7

Find a good counselor---I have done the same thing so I feel your pain and confusion---got married, divorced, met someone, left the someone to try to work things out with the ex (it didn't work of course). Luckily, the boyfriend took me back and is trying to understand why I did what I did to him.

You obviously have a great boyfriend there-go see a marriage or maybe even a grief counselor so you can come to terms to with the end of your marriage (no matter how bad it was, it's not easy to end something) so that you don't jeopardize your relationship with this great guy. It sounds like he would support you in this. You want be whole for him--he deserves that---and so do you!

Answer 8

I am going through a divorce as well and I belive the only way to fully get over your husband is to communicate with him if possible and remain as friends. my husband has moved over 800 miles away and I havent got to talk to him since we split up a month ago. Its hard and you will worry about him but if you can communicate and establish a common ground with him and acknowledge that you have been together for so long that you cannot just forget. you may move on but you will never forget him.i would recommend communicating i guess thats all i can say. i know i wish i had some type of communication with my husband even if its just to know he is doing ok and is happy. good luck and god bless you in your new relationship

Answer 9

You finally broke up from a 14 year relationship, less than two months ago. Give it more time! Grief is the healing process that helps us deal with the loss of a loved-one. Grief does not have a clear beginning or clear end to it. Rather, it is a reflection of feelings surrounding the loss. Grief will ebb and flow throughout our life after a loss. We don’t get over the loss of someone, but we learn to live with that loss. We also will eventually remember and honor our loved one without feeling pain. We will grieve as long as we need to.

Answer 10

Sounds like you have moved on. You say you have a great guy now. Focus on the future and not on the past. Your ex abused you and you could still be dealing with some of that. Think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim. Thinking about how terrible he was to you is dragging you down. Be thankful you were able to get out and that you have a wonderful man in your life. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

Answer 11

I suppose i should start out by sayiny ,i have five children. Two by my first wife, and another by a stand in , I sincerly believed i loved my first wife.However being as young as you were when you were married i really did,nt know what true love was.However like you i was detrrmined to hang on to the shreds. Then aside from all the anger ,sadness ect. GOD! placed this woman into my life! And i found out what love really was. I have been married to her 36 years.and had two beautiful children with her.Love is not sex, nor is it ownership of another, However it is the giving of ones self to another and forgetting what we want, Yet always trying to make her life happy ,and a sense of fulling her dreams! I can lay down at night with her at my side and i am complete. FORGET your past and look to the future. Believe me if its real love you seek, GOD will send it to you!! Forget were you,ve been and rejoice in where you are GOING!! Hope ive helped.