My husband left over a week ago. We have been together for 8 years and he said that he was tired of not making me happy. He does, but I have issues right now. Found out a fwe months ago he cheatedon me like 4 years ago and it's hard. I have bottled up anger and resentment. But I love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. He said he would come back if I could shw him how we could be happy. It's our communication that we have problems with. I just want him back. I took him for granted. He won't go to counselling so does anyone have any suggestions?
2007-01-08 03:02:33 · 6 answers · asked by sarah261981 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I thought I was over the whole cheating thing, but it's so hard. I was very hurt and it just makes me feel not special and that's why I get sad. But I truly love him with everything I am and I want this to work. I want to grow old with him.
2007-01-08 03:38:28 · update #1
I have three problems with this.
1) He cheated so he needs to make amends
2) It is not only your responsibility to show him how you could be happy. He is 50% responsible for the marriage, as are you.
3) He WON'T go to counselling?
If communication is one of your problems you will need an impartial third party to mediate. If he wants to save your marriage he needs to go with you to counselling, and take responsibility both for the affair and for his part in your marriage.
2007-01-08 03:09:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he cheated on you clearly there were already problems. Infidelity is a symptom of a problem relationship not the cause. That's not to say whatever the problems are aren't resolvable. You said it, communication is the key. It seems he's left the door open by saying he will come back if you can show him how you can be happy together. So don't give up hope, he seems to want to give the relationship a chance. Clearly he wasn't happy 4 years ago, were you? did you think you were happy together? Also ask yourself this question, and it's a tough one, is it really him you want to be with or is it just you don't want to risk being alone. Use this time without him to explore that issue. The prospect of being alone is very scary and unpleasant, you need to be sure it's not just that that's worrying you.
You must let go of your anger and frustration about his cheating, for you own sake. Do whatever it takes to get it out of your system because you can't move on in this relationship or any other until you have dealt with that. You need to forgive, sorry if that sounds naff but for you own peace of mind you have to do it.
Talk and listen, in a neutral environment, so not at your home or wherever he is staying. Don't get angry, if you find you are getting angry or frustrated ask him if you can have a little time to think about things and continue to conversation when you feel calmer. If he gets angry step back and let him get it out of his system and try not to shout back because the situation will just escalate into a shouting match. Try asking him what he feels you need to do to show him that you can be happy together, what steps he expects you to take. Perhaps you were taking out your feelings of anger and resentment on him, which is perfectly natural and understandable, but in order for the relationship to continue to grow that behaviour has to stop. He made a mistake, but if you continue to let your anger colour your relationship then it will destroy you both in the end. If you can't forgive him and move on then he's right, you should let each other go.
Good luck, I really hope it works out for you. Your relationship will be much much stronger in the long run if you can resolve this.
2007-01-08 11:18:47 · answer #2 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you first need to address the adultery issue in your marriage. Even though it was four years ago, because you just found out about it four months ago for you it is recent. That is why you have bottled up anger and resentment. Your husband needs to understand and acknowledge that and your pain. Afterall he was the one who was unfaithful. In my opinion if he is unwillingly to get counseling I don't see alot of help here for your marriage. You can try on your own with communication, but just wanting him back because that is what is comfortable won't fix your problems long term.
L.
2007-01-10 13:58:45 · answer #3 · answered by tink3610 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason why he left you is because he cheated on you. He just gave a lame excuse like 'he was tired of not making you happy' just so he could get out of the relationship that he has with you (or had in this case). Honey, it's time for you to stop waiting on this man to do for you and for you to do for yourself. Where is your identity? Where is your life? Don't wait for him, you get on with your life. Pick up the pieces, start hanging out wtih your friends, make new friends, get some hobbies that are fun, get out and have fun for yourself. You are giving him way too much power by letting him see that you are devistated by what he did to you. Don't let him see you cry, devistated or upset. He needs to know that what he did to you only made you stronger as a person and as an individual. Go ahead and hire a lawyer honey, this marriage is over and your own personal life begins anew.
2007-01-08 11:44:03 · answer #4 · answered by cfalways 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi Sara,
Do you "Want" him back or "Need" him back. If you want him back, forgive him, go to counseling get a hobby together. If you "Need" him back move on. It is want not need that will keep a relationship going, eventually the "need" will be satisfied and you both will be right back where you are today.
2007-01-08 11:11:40 · answer #5 · answered by ted j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
even if he won't go to counceling you should go...it will help with your issues and then you can decide if you can live with your husband
2007-01-08 11:08:05 · answer #6 · answered by lost 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋