divorced, and in a new relationship. somethings missing??

Question

I was divorced last year in February, after spending 4 years in an abusive relationship. I spent four months alone, and then found myself in the arms of someone new. I have been with him for going on seven months, and we are incredibly happy. Thing is, I know that things are going far better than they ever did in my last relationship. But the last guy I was with was also my high school love and someone I cherished, but knew I shouldn't be with. I have now found that I am happy but feel like something is missing in the relationship I'm in. I feel like I didn't get to finish what I started with my ex, and I find myself crying now for no reason. I was pretty strong in the beginning, but losing him is now hitting me again. I have been fine the past few months, but when I see him all I can do is cry. Even if I see him just driving down the road. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. Any help?

Answer 1

That is a really tough situation. I my self have been through that and the only help i can give you is to tell you how i handled it and pray that is enough for you. After all the pain my ex caused me I just could not give up the fact that it didnt work between us. And I too was in another relationship with a man that i loved very much, but in the back of my mind i felt like it was wrong because i kept asking myself if i had done everything i could with my ex. Finally i got sick of all the crying and pain i was putting myself through and called my ex up and told him to meet me in a special place we had. We spent hours just talking. I finally got out all the things i had always wanted to tell him, but never could when we were together. It felt good getting it off my chest. I told him how i felt when he hurt me, and how i felt seeing him now that we were apart, and i told him about the new love in my life. Just sharing with him renewed a friendship, but not the love and i was finally able to move on, knowing that finally i had resolved a lot of things from the past with him. Maybe it will help you to, if you just sit down with your ex and tell him anything and everything that comes to mind. Get it off your chest and move on. I hope this helped you.

Answer 2

Abusive relationship... there is nothing else you can finish. You were in this awful relationship 4 years why would you ever think of going back?
I think a high school love is special but not special enough when you were being abused. There are many firsts that you probably experienced with him and that is what makes you feel bad. With my high school sweetheart we got our first job, drivers license, car, credit cards and enrolled in college together. I really miss my ex for over 9 yrs. but sometimes it just doesn't work out (and he wasn't abusive).
If you're feeling empty in this relationship then you need a break. I think you should consider a counselor or enjoying time on your own to heal. Don't stay in this relationship feeling this way because you will end up cheating or very unhappy.

Answer 3

You're not used to being in a decent relationship. You're lacking the drama and "fireworks" in the previous relationship, something you were at least familiar and "comfortable" with. I know that feeling all too well. Perhaps you weren't ready to begin a new relationship. You need to give yourself a chance to reflect and figure out what it is YOU feel are important qualities to have in a relationship, as well as what YOU think is absolutely unallowable. For example, honesty, trust, willingness to make the effort are neccessary qualities (I think so anyway) and lying, cheating, abusing are unallowable, ever (my own opinion). Make yourself a list, be specific since it's for you, this is your life, all about you. Then make sure you aren't "settling" for less than what's important to you. As for your feelings for the ex, part of it is that you gave up a dream when you and he broke up. It wasn't real though and could never be real. If it's anything like my previous abusive relationship, you probably spent a great deal of your time trying to prove your "worthiness" to him, kissing bootie big time and never really feeling quite adequate. Doesn't it really feel nice to not have to prove that anymore, and to have the freedom to blossom and grow and be who you really want to be? Consider it a rebirth. You have a brand new chance to figure out who you really are these days. You can allow yourself to be with someone who thinks you're a jewel! But give yourself some time alone to think, a LOT of time, a lot of thinking and reflecting and healing. Good luck!

Answer 4

Of course you're confused, you didn't allow yourself time to work out your feelings and issues with your "ex" before you got involved with someone else. Four months is a not enough time to recover from years of abuse.

I'm glad that you got out of an abusive relationship, but you may need some professional counseling to work through the issues you suffered. You need to take care of yourself now, not worry about someone new.

The last thing you need is a new boyfriend. You are only going to confuse yourself further if you begin a new relationship before you resolve your feelings for your "ex". Give yourself some time to sort through your feelings. You said it yourself, "I didn't get to finish what I started with my ex" - take the time, finish it.

If this new guy is as wonderful as you think, he will allow you time to work things out. If not, when you're ready you will meet someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Best of luck.

Answer 5

I am suffering from the same situation. After 33 years of marrige - I have been divorced now-5 years. -- Healing takes time. What I wish for you is the ability to step outside of your own emotions and begin focusing your energy and attention on creatively remodeling your life. Draw your own vibrant blueprints for a new life. Take time to carefully choose your own designs, colors and fabrics. Strip away the old window coverings and let the sun shine in and let your own light radiate out into the world

Answer 6

The thing that is missing is the abuse. You got so used to it that it makes you feel like something is missing in your current relationship. I would try to figure out why you miss him. Maybe even some therapy would help (not being a smart alic here!). I had a friend who was in the exact same thing you are in and she went to therapy and it help her tons. I hope you figure things out!! Good luck!!

Answer 7

I'll tell you what's missing, the abuse. Maybe you are so used to being abused that you can't get your head around to not being abused?
You didn't lose him, you found yourself. Be strong. And for heaven's sake don't go back, don't even think it.