critique this poem that I wrote and tell me what you think it means?

Question

Abstractive innocence

The descending leaves of my innocence
have long since swept away
to a place where I cannot find again-
Though the branches from which they grew
have continued to stay strong
so that my heart can forever be tainted

with the blood that followed soon after.

The waters seem calm before the storm
comes beating through to chase away
the dreams I once knew-
Forced to think of time passed until the clock
stops ticking and the seed planted
will carry on to bloom

The common men who abstracted my love
sailed the same path looking for
the falling leaves that seem to be trapped-
Though the world will breath again, my soul
will never lie to anyone who takes the key
to unravel a lock that broke

with the blood that stains my very existence.

Rachael Elizabeth Ward

Copyright ©2007 Rachael Elizabeth Ward

Answer 1

What an interesting poem indeed!

My initial thought when I saw " descending leaves of my innocence," was gosh! here's Shakespearian sonnet number 73 admirer again! But soon, "heart can forever be tainted," smashed it! Here's something new, something beckoning a closer look.

The poem, in my view, is about lost innocence, the loss of virginity and resignation to accept that indignity with dignified dignity!

The "descending leaves" seems to have double meaning. . . deployed descriptively or qualitatively as leeaves of a plant but also as the verb "to leave" (depart). By suggesting that double-meaning, I think the poem elevates its meaning beyond the cheap and the mediocre with some profound effect.

The first stanza which concludes with the fullstop, line 7, describes the loss irrecoverable loss of "leaves" (menses) "to a place where I cannot find again." The branches (ovaries) "from which they grew / have continued to stay strong," and I just love this next line "so that my heart can forever be tainted." Wonderful! The branches have remained strong, a constant reminder of the virginity loss. Taint could never be better used as it is used here. . . to taint is to tarnish some thing of beauty. But why taint? My heart is tainted forever by "with the blood that followed soon after"!!! If the heart was sublime, then the menstrual flow is the slime contained in its portmanteau.

There is the usual uncertain "calm" period before the "storm comes" (when branches shed the leaves monthly) "beating through" with monstrous abandon!). . . . chasing away "the dreams I once knew"! The dreams of probably staying as chaste as the Olympian godess, Diana or as beyond suspicion as Ceasar's wife!

The persona is unwittingly forced into deep reflection about where it all began and how the dream was swallowed by the ravages of "time" until the clock/ stops ticking and the seed planted/ will carry on to bloom." In other words, the wrecked buccaneer continues eyeing the shore-line until respite comes when a new foetus (seed) begins life in the womb and carried to "bloom" (delivery).

I love the last stanza. Quite loaded indeed! The common men, not so much the special as it were, who "abstracted my love" who were responsible for the loss that milestone first loss come again as marauders sailing "the same path looking for
the falling leaves that seem to be trapped- (Ok, the male gametes, we know, no empasis, often compete in a wild chase like mad fools and idiots chasing nothing!) It is called appropriately "sailing." Yes . . . sailing in search of seeds that "seem trapped" Yes indeed. Otherwise, we'd not be here. "seem" is excellent here. No one knows exactly what happens when and how the idiots locate these trapped leaves.

Fine. . . the speaker has resigned to this fate but "will never lie to anyone." Here's another interesting Shakespearian word play with "lie" (recall the sonnet with lines "I lie with her and she with me, and in our lies we . . . ." or Iago telling Othello about Desdemona lying with Cassio!). Here "lie" is used similarly. I will not lie to "anyone" that I am a virgin I will not lie to any man ideally who " takes the key to unravel a lock that broke/ . . . Think about the key that you insert inside the key-hole to unlock your door. . . .you "unravel" by turning left /right /whatever! until you open. Now think of the male organ as the key and the virginity as the lock. What an excellent analogy!!

The last line takes us back to the beginning. This kind of key caused the initial loss of innocence, it is charged with breaking the intial lock so that today the speaker has to endure periodically,
"the blood that stains my very existence."

Abstracted is not a good word in the title though.
The lexical itemss: flowing, water, storm, sail are very good until "sailed the same path looking for." Path does notfit here with sail. river/stream or any other would be better to continue the tone and style but sailing along a path does not capture well the search for a leaf trapped in some mysterious corners in the wide stream or river or sea!

This poem, frankly whets my appetite and makes me yearn for more.
Well, that's only my reading and opinion.

I am very very impressed by the mysteries of the topic and the ability to visualize these mysteries in appropriate images.
No one, inmy view, can doubt your command of this language and ability to make it do whatever you command.
Thumbs up for excellent effort.

Answer 2

My critique, with which I only point out the flaws:

1. the image/metaphors are a bit hackneyed: calm before the storm, ticking clock. Fresher, new, original images would make it more vibrant.

2. Lacks compression/refraction: the message is too forcefully and directly put. Poetry does things with language that ordinary writing doesn't, and the artfulness lets the poet slip the 'message' or theme in subtly. this isn't subtle enough for my taste.

3. Mixed metaphors--from water to clock to blood, sailing a path? unravelling a clock? You may have reason to slip from one to another, as in a dream sequence where symbols are not entirely clear and are fluid, but as is, I don't think it works for me.

I think you're quite brave to put your work in a public forum for criticism. Don't accept all the comments you're given as gospel--incorporate the ones you find useful.

Answer 3

That's really good. I'm kind of guessing what its about. A young woman who was raped or something and then she hasnt told people but her innocence is gone. Dunnno, i might be way off

Answer 4

I don't know too much of poetry and hope that this one isn't based on life's lessons. to me it means: virtue forcibly taken,never able to forget, your love unable to deal with it and lost forever,mentally closed off from feelings and of love, never gaining as time goes by, with death as your end to existing.no one able to break through your walls .alone and empty,for just so long,