What should I do about this?

Question

My ex-husband has decided to move to another state to take a job offer that he has accepted. He has custody of our daughter.

He has asked her to come and live with me. I live in another state. He sent me an e-mail this morning that she cried all day yesterday up until midnight. She wants to move with him to the new state since she is used to living with him and has lived with him all of her life.

My daughter and I get along fine. She was with me for the summer and really enjoyed herself. I put her in all kinds of camps and classes.

She left me a message that she wants me to move with them to another state. I don't see any change in my ex and do not want to.

My ex is asking me how I can be at peace with myself with all this happening. I am concerned but don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Peace with yourself? What a jackass! What is he talking about? He is the one who is moving--the question is how can he be at peace with HIMSELF--moving and not wanting to take your daughter with him--what does that say to her?

For whatever reason, it's obvious that it was in your daughter's best interest to live with her dad when you two split. Why is he trying to make you feel like the bad guy now just because he's made a decision that affects everyone? I can tell from your e mail that you are certainly OK with your daughter living with you if she chooses, but I certainly support your decision to not move just because he decided to move. Let your daughter decide where to live on her own (which it sounds like that's what your doing). If dad refuses to take the child, then of course, have your girl move back in with you--but whatever you do--don't let this guy believe for one second that you are the one whoneeds to find peace. You didn't create this situation, he did, and he needs to deal with that in a grown up way--not by trying to make you look like the bad guy. No wonder he's your ex.

Answer 2

He moves, wants to get rid of his daughter and then asks you how you can be at peace?! What a class act.

If your daughter is mature enough to make her own decisions and she wants to stay with dad, then you need to either let her go or move to her unless your custody agreement gives you some other option (For example, does it require him to live within so many miles of you or a certain town?)

If your daughter is young and simply scared, then you can take her father up on the offer to have her live with you. Call it a trial, let her know she can go back with her dad if she still wants after the next school year.

Divorce is evil and this is one reason why. There's no one going to be perfectly happy. You have to decide what's best for the girl first, though.

Speaking of best for the girl, if the courts forcibly gave her to her dad against your wishes, odds are there was something really bad in your life at the time because dads almost never get sole custody. I hope whatever might have been going on at that time is water under the bridge.

Answer 3

If your daughter wants to move with him so badly...why doesn't she just go? I don't see why she wouldn't. Does the father not want her to go? If she's old enough to make her own decisions, I'd at least let her give it a try. If she doesn't like the new state, she could always move back. Of course, it would be perfect if you went too. It is your daughter, but then again if she's been with the father her whole life, I'm sure she'll be fine. Good luck.

Answer 4

Your ex has made a decision about his life and your daughter has opted to continue living with him and move to the new state.

How does your ex figure this has anything to do with you being at peace with yourself? You were not consulted and you had no say in the matter.

You should be very much at peace with knowing that your daughter is well-cared for by her father and has chosen to continue living with him.

Make sure you arrange for frequent visitation. She can fly home to see you on school holidays and for the summer. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Your ex-husband is giving you a major guilt trip but worse than that he's dragging your daughter into the mess. You don't mention your daughter's age, but try talking to her in an age appropriate way. Just try reasoning with her and let her know that no matter what happens or where she lives you'll always love her and you'll still have summers together. Hang in there and stay strong!!

Answer 6

You don't sound like you really care if your daughter is close by or not. why all the classes and camps??? what about all the MOM AND DAUGHTER STUFF! sorry if YOU went to some of the camps and classes! JUST EXPLAIN TO YOUR DAUGHTER you will get her for visitations (I HOPE!) and summers an d maybe extra visits on holidays! DECIDE WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE AND GO FOR IT____YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT OR YOU CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER>

Answer 7

My personal oppinion..

The daughter needs to stay with her dad.. and if u love your daughter, u will go where ever she is...i know its asking alot of u to do.. but its in the best interest of ur child..

He needs a good job to insure her stability ..so u cant fault him for wanting to take a job that will ensure that.. She loves her dad and she's use to her stability with him, and thats where she should stay.. but u as her mother she needs u as well and will even more so the closer she gets to puberty which is right around the corner .. and although u say u send her to classes and summer camps etc, thats all nice and wonderful, but ummmmm wheres the time with u?????? its no wonder that she doesnt feel a closeness to u.. but she obviously loves u and wants u in her life, and for you not to want to go where she goes, is no wonder why she feels so strongly for her father.. she needs someone to love her and be there for her every step of her life.. and so far it seems that he's the only one providing that for her..

Are u a parent? or are u a parent only when its convient for you???? U had a baby and although that baby no longer is ur "everyday responsibility" u still need to give up ur life for her..and i really think for her sake.. u should go where she is.. and stop actting like ur being so bothered to actually step up to the plate and be a mother.. And what is this B.S. " i dont see any change in my x and i dont want to" its not about your ex its about your DAUGHTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Answer 8

Since your husband has custody of your daughter, there should be no question but that she's going with him. Neither is there any reason for you to relocate. The same arrangements can be made for her to spend the summer with you where you are.

You would be wise to stay where you are.

Answer 9

Your daughter doesn't want to live with you because you don't want her to. You said so yourself in the statement; I put her in all kinds of camps and classes. If you get the chance try spending some time with her take her to the park; It doesn't matter how old she is I still go to the park with my mother and I am over 50; don't miss her childhood because of camp. Remember someday she will be responsible for taking care of you. Do you want to be put in a nursing home and sent to knitting class or would you rather go to the park.

Answer 10

move there too for the sake of your daughter (not him) she will miss you with a broken heart as you will miss her with a broken heart and she will need you as time goes by , you both dont realize just how much she will need you yet , start a new life there beside her , you can do it , new house, new job , new Friends , new life , a fresh new you too