why is it so hard for a man to help us with the house and baby?

Question

hi we have 10 months old boy,just got a house and bills up the ***//////////am i wrong to usk my boyfriend to take care of garbage in tha house or stay with baby for 30 min so i can take nice shower. i now he love us but thats not enought these days// i work 32 _40 hr and he works nites 7-3 am or longer.During the week im working evenings so he doent have to get up to the baby,so its just saturday and sunday some times, that he cant sleep in couse im at work..But when i come home i have to hear ---how tired he is but when i offerd to work evnings on the weekeds he says no i dont have to..thats nice if him but do i have listen to his complains...when i complain he tels me im weak/ etc..at what piont enought is enought....when i go to work hes parents p/u baby around 3 untill i come back from work..he has so much time for him self//where is my time for at least shower.

Answer 1

Having a baby is a life changing experience, you are no longer free to do what you want. The stress of getting a house and bills can be so overwhelming. You are very lucky to have his parents helping out. I suggest you tell your boyfriend that you need some time to yourself when you are both home so you can take a bath or shower and be alone. If you don't you will go crazy. Since you both work you deserve that, and don't forget about his feelings too. This is happening to him to not being able to be free. Just remember in time things get better and your child will be helping you do things around the house. In the mean time you have to have communication with your partner, that is the most important.. good luck to you..

Answer 2

The bottom line is that both you and your boyfriend brought your child into this world and you BOTH have a responsibility to care for him. Slacking off, allowing your partner to do all the work when it comes to childcare or asking Mom and Dad to pick up the kid while a parent gets a few hours rest is simply not acceptable.

With that said, however, there are duties more suited to men and women ... not meaning to sound sexist, but guys normally think in the "breadwinner and support the family mode" but there is no reason at all why your guy can't take out the garbage on a regular basis. I do know of a couple who have reversed the usual roles (she works full-time and makes good money while he stays home, works only part-time and is the "house-husband". Doing something like this may be an answer for you ... just carefully evaluate your financial picture; draw up a monthly budget and see if any of your regular payments can be lowered to help you both out.

By the sounds of things, it's not you who is "weak", it is your boyfriend ... anyone who prioritizes personal shut-eye over childcare should have not become a parent in the first place.

Sit down and talk to him, sooner rather than later. You are owed a hot shower every now and then. At your continued pace, you are heading for burn-out or worse.

Answer 3

It is not unreasonable at all. The balance of work/home life is a difficult thing for a man. I too have 3 young children with a wife that works 20-25 hrs a week. If I don't help out around the house, it is absolute chaos.

The best rule to remember is if I don't do it, she will have to, and that makes for a really stressed out mommy.

Answer 4

I have the same problem with my husband so i know where your coming from. My husband is a truck driver so he isnt home very often, so that leaves me with the baby 24/7. When he does come home the only thing i ask of him is to help with the baby and around the house. You would think i was asking him to build me the eiffel tower. What i do is just walk away. I lay the baby down, I go outside and just enjoy the fresh air until I can think striaght again. After that I just tell him like it is. I need time for myself just like he does, and that our marriage is spposed to be a team effort. If you have friends that can watch the baby for you, then get one of them to babysit for you for a couple hours. Spend some time alone with your husband so ya'll can have one n one time alone, so you can have his undivided attention to really tell him how you feel when he acts like towards you. You will be surprised at how well that helps. And if that doesnt work, when u get home and he isnt wanting to help you , leave. Go out somewhere, take a walk, leave the baby with him. That way he has no choice but to watch him for you. Give him 30 mins alone with the baby. He will be so glad your home, and maybe then he will help you out. They never know what we have to go through until we make them go through it too. Hope this helps you.

Answer 5

You are going through a very common experience for a lot of women. Women are, honestly, stronger than men and more able to deal with MULTIPLE tasks. I think men,sometimes, work and areunable to think beyond that. Everything gets done at the house by magic....and the woman staying home with house, with the baby must sit on the couch all day talking on the phone, doing their nails, watching TV. IF they only knew!!

To get the point across to him more "effectively" you may want to make a list of your job responsibilites or your "job description". After you have a list of all you have done...approach him in a friendly manner and tell him that you need more help around the house. Show him the list and all that you do....PLUS the job OUTSIDE the house. Ask him for support....assuage his male ego, it's amazing what THAT will do!!

Maybe this method will work for you.....Good Luck!!

Answer 6

I'm married with 2 kids. With our first baby who is now 2, my husband barely helped at all. I would get so mad. I didn't work and his idea was if I didn't work it baby duty was all on me. And yes taking care of a baby is work because it doesn't end. it's all day and all night. And I have to give you tons of credit for doing it all and working. It's unbelievably hard. Thankfully my hubby has grown up. But yes I think it has to do with him not being grown up enough yet to have a family. Try couples therapy. I'm not sure of any other way to get through to him that you do need that shower and even more time to keep sane. Good luck

Answer 7

He has not been the man of the house if he can't
do the things that a man does.
Care for babies, take out trash, clean house, and be part of the family.
All real men do that.
If he doesn't do that, he's not a real man, just an egotistical stud.

Answer 8

I ask myself this same quesiton 10 times a day. When I am maxed out, I scream it 50 times per day. It jus amazes me all that women take care of. When I worked, I worked 30 hrs per wekk and my husband did not at all. He still never made my lunch or any meals at home and I would up with an overwhelming majority of the house and child chores. Now that he works and I don't, I am expected to make his lunches and coffee and do all of the home meals and 80% of the housework. Most people will say something trite like "it only happens if you let it" but when you ave kids involved and you are trying to be a good role model, you can't just walk out or use other extreme measures to force him to help out. A lady in the grocery store said to me once, as I pushed a cart and tried to calm my screaming one year old (and I must have looked haggard) "We will do 95% of the work 100% of the time. Be good to yourself." I had no idea how true that was. Now two kids and a big house later, I wish I had the forsight to see how that statemnt was not only true, but how negatively it affects me everyday! The only thing that keeps me sane is posts like yours and other Moms who live this everyday. Oh and by the way, those chocolate mouthed kisses that ruin my brand new shirt the first time I wear it - they are the best!!! Godd luck and love your little ones!

Answer 9

Beat the snot out of him!

I am soooo sick of men! When a man takes care of his child he's "babysitting" or "helping out mom".

When my husband is "too tired" I get up with the baby. When I am too tired I get up with the baby. Basically I do everything whether I am up for it or not.

My husband works evenings. He gets up 45 minutes before he has to go to work, and plays with his son for 10 minutes while I pack his lunch. Then gets home long after his son goes to bed. At 10 months my baby is just starting to realise that daddy isn't there, and it upsets him. But will he get out of bed earlier, NOPE!

My only real advice to you is to act like your boyfriend doesn't exist. Don't ask him to do a thing, but don't do anything for him. But also don't keep the baby quiet if he is sleeping or whatever else you normally do to make his life more liveable. Do all the chores without a word. It works, a bit, for me anyway. Mine realises that he isn't being part of the family and starts to ask to do things.

Other than that you probably need conselling if he is calling you weak. Or maybe talk to his mom about it ;)

Answer 10

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. The larger question you need to answer is, "What does my boyfriend bring to this relationship that is positive and builds me up and makes me feel loved and cherished and cared for?" The answer... NOTHING. He is an immature, insensitive clod and my best advice is to remove him from the household and your life. He is not going to change. He is incapable of giving you what every woman and mother needs. He doesn't even have the capability to reason this out and realize that he is the weak link in your family. You are not married... so there is no permanent commitment on his part. If that statement were different, you would be married. So do yourself a real favor and evict him TODAY. Best of luck... I know this is hard on you and you really deserve much better.