Was it wrong to have secretly have hoped my hubby would come back?

Question

My husband and i met in 5th grade and were together through just about it all.We got married out of college 4 months later when i found out i was pregnant.Thats when things started to change when i was 6 months pregnant he started acting strangley and was very distant.After my daughter was born he started harassing me to go back to work but at this time i was still physically having problem getting around it had only been 4 weeks!I went back to work part time but that still did nothing to ease the problems because then i became a bad house keeper.He started to coming home on time but staying out with friends when my daughter was 1.5 he left saying "he could not take this anymore".I have had no contact with him now in what will be two years in Febuary.I believe my husbands parents said he was in New Zealand when they heard from him last. I have filed for divorce now but feel sad?

My lawyer hired someone to track my hubby down because he has never paid child support they say if he flys in to california to vist his parents he will be arrested?

Answer 1

No. But now it is time for you to move on. He was not man enough for you.

Answer 2

No it is not wrong for you to have hoped your spouse would come back. This is very common among people who experience this type of sad event in their marriage.

I can only speculate that during the pregnancy your husband may have begun an affair. Or simply realized he did not desire to support or raise a family.

Some partner's initially think they are ready for a family, when the time approaches or after the child is born, they just cannot deal with the added responsibility and then simply runaway from it.

Divorce is appropriate in this situation. Childsupport should be paid by him for the child. If possible stay in touch with his parents, let them visit the child if at all possible, they may be able to convince him to pay child support eventually.

Don't breakoff communication with his parents, because if you do this you'll never know when he's visiting the U.S. Ask them to contact him and if they care about thier grand child and see the child and develop a relationship with the grandchild they may have great influence on their son to convince him he must support the child.

Answer 3

No it isn't wrong. As women we always hope for the perfect marriage, life, children etc. Society instills that in us. However, you need to move on with your life. It is ok to have wanted him back, because you loved him--but it sounds like he was in the marriage for the wrong reasons. You were physically impaired, and he wanted you to work? You were a bad house keeper? It sounds like he may have been a bit abusive on an emotional/mental level. You worked--did he help around the house? Why was it your responsibility to keep the house up if you were raising you daughter and working? He sounds a little bit like a chicken sh*t if he ran away to New Zealand, and left you hanging. Remember--since you were in a relationship with him from so young--you really don't know much of anything else...so go and try something new!!! There are men out there who would give their right arm to have someone that worked, took care of their children, and at least made the attempt at keeping the house clean--and they help too!!! Go find yourself someone that treats you like the gift that you are, and while you still love your husband--find someone to be IN LOVE with, who will be in love with you!!!! Good Luck!

Answer 4

No it wasnt wrong, you are only human.

Considering the circumstances surrounding your break up, first of all, i dont think either of was ready for marriage, he must have felt trapped with the baby coming and all. He wasnt ready for the new role at all, though thats no excuse, it must have been scary for him. Though he made a very selfish decision, and thats not fair. The deed has been done so i suggest you move on, get your life back together, make something out of your life, you have a child to look after, and you dont have time to sit and feel sorry for yourself, instead see it as a challenge to be better than whatever you dreamed you would be. Try to go back to school, and allow time to heal properly. Things will sort themselves out.

Answer 5

Wrong? No not wrong just not realistic. It sounds like marriage and children were more than he could handle. If he's that immature you're better off without him. Let it go sweetie and move on, it will do you absolutely no good to dream about a reconcilliation. Let him get arrested the guy has to at least help support his daughter. Maybe it will help him grow up a little. I'm sorry your sad and I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

It is not wrong...except for the heartache. the best thing you can say to yourself is ....NEXT??

Give yourself hope that someone better than the last guy will be a better father for your daughter. Yes fhe ex may have to pay child support that that should not have anything to do with your feelings. Do it for the child. Not yourself.

Have a boundary of only going out with guys who will want you for yourself and daughter. Go to a pre marriage therapist that can tell the pitfalls to come.

Write yourself a letter as though a year has gone by and you have found yourself in a great relationship. See yourself moving on to better situations. Be gentle with yourself.

Answer 7

Most likely, your husband wasn't ready for the responsibilities of marriage, but did the right thing and married you. It happens. One reason he's disappeared is probably because he's ashamed of leaving his family. No doubt, it's easier for him to deal with, when he's not around to see you and his daughter.

The day may come when he'll come to grips with life. He may even offer his apology, but that's all you can expect. If you only have the one child, you can make it pretty easily. Stop feeling sad and get on with your life. There are a lot of decent guys out there, one of whom will come along and take the pain away. Don't miss the opportunity, by holding on to the past. Best wishes and stay strong.

Answer 8

He abandoned you honey. That in itself against the law. It is normal to have these feelings, as I do even after 5 years. But key here is to keep those feelings just as you stated. "SECRETLY". I hope you never act on those feelings.You are better then this and deserve so much more and so does your daughter. What isnt normal, is what your husband has done. He has abandoned both his wife and daughter. What a coward.Rise above this honey and go out and find what you deserve. A better life and someone who will treat you with dignity and respect. Good luck in all you do. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 9

anyone who read this question will let out a deep sigh and feel for u sweetheart just like i do.
all i want to say to u- u have adored him alot. just like u wud have adored a ring u had for yrs and than suddenly u lost the main diamond of that ring.
u will feel sad- but also the more dig a hole, the more bigger it will get.
u didnt say how old he is- his changing behaivouir would be due to a sudden change- its like whoshhhh- and from a free bird he is caged and tied down with responsibilities.
he must be very weak to run off just like that.
dont be sad my dear- u have loved him- and be proud of that, and most of all be proud that u are not a quitter like him.
u have a beautifull princess- u have a wonderful present- its something so beautiful that a person like me could only dream of having.
have courage, you have done the right thing, so u will make it through.

Answer 10

There is nothing wrong to hope and wish. At some point, you will have to love yourself a little more and do what is good for yourself and your daughter. While hoping, don't mope around. Get out and enjoy your friends, family and daughter. When he does return, he would have missed out on all the lovely memories, if he doesn't come back, well....he has missed out on having a wonderful and happy family life.

Answer 11

You do what you have to do for yourself and your child. Hopefully you can receive child support to help with the costs of raising your child.

Your husband grew out of your relationship leaving you holding the bag. Abandonment is what he's done and that is so wrong.

Learn from this and move on.