We rode to the stars and stood on moons above us. We learnt how to fly across our own world.
We built bombs capable of great wrath. We stood our ground as all around us lost their heads.
We were true to our heart and even though we solved all these problems which our mind loved our heart did not care.
While rats roamed the streets killing with their deadly blades we held our heads high and ran a tight ship, condemning from above.
I send you all my love but I cannot give you my mind. It's eaten and caked in mess but beneath the squallor something shines through, like a distant star - visible but not quite there.
Rip our ego from the hands of those that feed it and what do you have left?.
It is being. The peace of being.
2007-01-07 22:45:56 · 16 answers · asked by abluebobcat 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
shuffles around embarrassed
2007-01-07 22:54:11 · answer #1 · answered by Troubled Joe(the ghost of) 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry, can't say I like it. It's a bit of a mess towards the end and I don't fully understand what you are trying to say. What is the peace of being? I'm thinking it's about humanity (fly across our own world, bombs etc)
It doesn't immediately pull me in and although it has some redeeming features you need to get rid of the my mind is eaten and caked in mess, as it reads slightly like my mind is an eaten cake.
Good luck. You are very brave to put your work out there like this.
2007-01-07 22:52:04 · answer #2 · answered by emmy 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i do not like your poem, because it is difficult to gather much more than shy clues about who the rather detached and, perhaps, supercilious, voice belongs to.
i like your poem, though, if it is intended to disturb a reader in this way.
does the voice belong to an american citizen? that would seem to be so, since s/he has a strong sense of "we", and an admittedly weakly rational ("something shines through"..."not quite there"), but strong ("stood our ground"..."tight ship") faith in her/his participatory behaviour, despite a seam of conspicuous absence of shame.
rather effective.
as a futile crying out for help, it works well. i hear you. the conclusion's sense comes from it being a poetic relief - a bald answer to a climactic question of twisted embedded nurture/self concepts and mixed metaphors.
the final sentence withdraws apologetically by clarifying. perhaps the intrusive correction of the main voice's father, or other authority? getting the last word in there!
i hope the owner of the main voice experiences some kind of peace in her/his being in future meditations.
SOME poem will ALWAYS be better poem than NO poem.
2007-01-08 00:35:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
It needs a little bit of work but besides that it is a good idea and great wording. For a first time, eccelent. For a second, Good. Anything more then that, its ok. It needs to be a little more metaphoric. Besides all of this, add some rythm and you'll be on your way. =D
2007-01-08 00:30:39 · answer #4 · answered by Andreios 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Really quite profound. Keep up the composing
2007-01-08 09:20:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
8 - Sounds like there is a good short story in it somewhere!
2007-01-08 06:27:58 · answer #6 · answered by Ralph 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Doesnt make sense. What are the bombs and rats about?
2007-01-07 23:02:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Good try but no rhyme. Pitty. Try poetry.com.
2007-01-08 02:22:54 · answer #8 · answered by Alain M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's cool. Nice one.
2007-01-07 22:49:01 · answer #9 · answered by apauk 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds good - check this site out
http://www.excaliburonlinepublishing.com/
2007-01-07 23:22:49 · answer #10 · answered by David 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋