My racist mother?

Question

the other day i overheared my mother saying some vile and racists things about another race. She was speaking to her boyfriend about people of another race, and then all of a sudden she launched into her racist tirade.

I have never heared my mother speak like that or use that kind of language before. It made me sick. I never knew that she had these kind of feelings bottled up inside. I would expect that kind of thing from her knucklehead boyfriend, but not my mum. She has always seemed so pure and innocent to me.

I have not told her that I overheread her, and I have hardly spoken to her since because of it.

How should I approach this?

Answer 1

Okay, I think two wrongs make a "let's walk away from this."

1. Her racism is wrong.
2. Your eavesdropping, even though inadvertent, is wrong.

Moms are human like just about everyone else. Forgive her her frailties, as she has forgiven yours over the years. Let it go.

Answer 2

1st is good what you are doing by not learning and being different and not supporting such bad attitude just because she's your mother, that's an plausible action. I want to remind you that we are just race, humans, Homo Sapience Sapience, the only different thing is the ethnic groups that we belong too, this is something you can start with to tell your mom how bad her attitude is against other humans like her. You should start the approaching straight to the point, without ornaments or picked words. Tell her exactly what you think and the way she made felt and the view you had about her and why these comments surprised you that much. Tell her your point of view and why you are so disappointed. Make her see what does she gonna do if you marry a person of a different ethnic group, Will she kick you out of her life? Would she ever talk to her grandsons/granddaughters? How would she react? Make her think your points of view. At the end if she doesn't want to hear you is her fault, at least you know you are right in your postulates. Congratulations one more time, I wish more people like you around the word.

Answer 3

I would suggest that you ask your mum if you can sit and have a chat , just the two of you.

Tell her that you overheard her conversation regarding people from other races,and that you were shocked at the remarks she made,as you had no idea she felt that way.

Now that she knows she may explain why she feels so strongly on the subject.

Whether you like it or not, your mother has the right to her own opinion on this subject.So please or offend you will have to accept her feelings.

She obviously has always felt this way, but up until now you have known nothing about it,so it's up to you if you choose to let it come between you and your mum.

Possibly you have mixed with people of different races more than your mum, as she is of a different generation.

I don't think not speaking to your mum is the right way to handle this situation,she obviously
feels as outraged about people of different races as you do about her "knucklehead "boyfriend.

I think you need to grow up a little and accept that we don't all feel the same way about things.

Answer 4

Which answer is the right one?

This is a hot potato... She is older, so of another generation, and will have seen things change in a way we haven't. Again, she's older, having had parents even older than her (!) - what were their views like? You'll often find that peoples views are somewhat shaped by their parents, are they not?

I will just say that I feel all of this political correctness that we seem to shrowd ourselves in, is very detrimental. Afterall, we are human.

We cannot sometimes help how we feel. That's no excuse for being racist or discriminatory, but there you go.

It's as much about what you do or don't say as about what you feel - maybe whilst in that moment, your Mum felt comfortable talking passionately in that manner, whereas if she was out, would she have done so?

We all have views... At the end of the day can you really say which ones are OK to express or not?

Institutionalised racism exists in the UK - in both public and private sector. I work for the NHS - I see and hear it. But they would never say those things to the people they are caring for. Does that make them right or wrong? They provide care in the same manner. Is it a bad thing to expel those feelings in a closed and protected environment - like your Mum and my colleagues, if it means they do not get expressed in a destructive manner?

Hope I have helped in some way - even if only to bring some other facets to your question.

Whatever happens, it's not worth losing your mother over - Good Luck x

Answer 5

Often when people are falling in love, they try to mold themselves to fit with the object of their desire. You hear someone continually talk and want to adapt your beliefs to mesh with theirs to keep the positive feeling of falling in love. My guess is her boyfriend has gone on some tired spiel of why he dislikes other races and your mom, choosing not to critically analyze it, listened and couldn't find any faults with what he was saying on the surface. Later, in a subconscious attempt to impress him, she went on a racist rant she knew he would approve of.

It seems that being your mother, you would know if she had long had these feelings. Did she never make any offhanded remarks about other races as you grew up? How has she always treated people of other skin colors? This should give you some sort of indication as to whether these feelings have long been within her or if they are just now being cultivated.

I'd talk to straight up about it. Tell her you overheard her and ask her for her true feelings. Tell her yours. Make it so she has to critically analyze her feelings.

On a side note, the movie American History X is a very powerful movie about the transference of racial doctrines within a family/social group.

I wish you and your family well.

Answer 6

You are a very lucky person that your mother's racism did not spill over on you. This could be a tricky situation but I believe that you should approach your mother and ask her why she felt the way she does. Be soft and civil in your approach. Tell her that you happened to overhear her conversation (not purposefully) and you did not understand her attack on whatever she had attacked. She will probably explain the situation to you. If not, back off and don't force the issue. She may tell you why she spoke that way in due time. She is still your mom. Be nice.

Answer 7

Mums are only human. We all realise this at some point, with a shock. Things that people's friends say, and behaviour, does rub off on the people around them so perhaps she did indeed get this from her 'knucklehead' boyfriend. Perhaps she was trying to impress him, or get him to like her, by showing him that her views are the same as his.

You can hope that sometime soon she sees the light and gets shot of him. Mums, being human, make mistakes, and it sounds as if she's making one with him.

Until then, it's best to forgive, and forget. The conversation wasn't for your ears, so pretend you didn't hear it. If she says something like it directly to you, then is the time to say "It's not like you to say something so horrible..." etc. Try to love her - she might need your support soon. Best of luck.

Answer 8

You don't state how old your mother is. I hear my mum, who is 73, come out with things that appal me. Like a lot of people of her generation, she seems genuinely ignorant about other races and cultures, and uses terms and names that were common in her youth but which are unacceptable today.
She seems racist in the abstract - she talks about 'Pakis' in a very negative way, yet can not explain her hypocrisy when you point out that a very close friend and neighbour is Asian. Those people of different race that she actually knows, it seems, are okay, but she has totally bought into some tabloid vision of invading hordes!
Of course I challenge her, and sometimes she gets upset because she thinks I am being unreasonable! But by letting her see how her language and behaviour upsets me personally, I think she is starting to question her attitudes and assumptions.

Answer 9

you should speak to her just like you wrote it here. Don't be so hurt about it. She had to have held some of these feelings well hidden before to be so vocal about them now. Have you ever heard THE TREE IS KNOWN BY THE FRUITS IT BARE? Meaning what's in you will come out soon. Check the company she is now keeping. If he spoke these views to her constantly then she may think that's the only way she can be excepted by the butt head. Talk to her and tell her what you feel. Good luck and I hope this will not turn your views into their views.

Answer 10

My Mum comes out with racist comments. We just tell her off, say we're embarrassed by her, and explain that she should value people for what they DO, not for the colour of their skin etc. It is hard though because she seems to accept what we say at the time but deep down she hasn't changed her mind. These attitudes can be deeply ingrained, unfortunately. I think you should speak to her when the horrible boyfriend isn't around, and tell her seriously how upset you were to hear her say those things, that you've always looked up to her etc and it really shook your faith in her personal integrity. Maybe she was trying to butter up her awful boyfriend but it sounds as if she ought to consider her relationship. It sounds to me as if she's sold herself short being with him.

Answer 11

I'm not sure if it makes sense to approch her about this.

since you have never heard something like this from her, it might just be that she had a very bad day and heard or read something in the news that she came up with this.
or it might be that she (who knows why) wanted to impress her boyfriend by sharing his personal beliefs.

anyway, if she really is into racism, you will not change her and in a confrontation, you might both say things you'd later regret (on a personal basis).

by the way: racism is NO good, and never was.