Is my marriage worth saving?

Question

I am married for 9 years. My husband has been good taking care of my needs all this while. Little did I expect he is having affair with a colleaque for 6 months. He lied that he needs to work but was with her on weekends. However, he will spend Sunday with me. He even spent his birthday with her in a hotel. They went for a holiday at a beach resort. I have evidence and after he came back, I exposed his affair and he was guilty for what he did. His can’t give reason for doing it, told me they are able to communicate and they just started (I have to admit that we have some communication issue). He promised he will end the relationship (which he did recently). He said this was his big mistake and promised never do it. He wanted to start afresh with me. He consoled me to make plan to move on and forget the past. He went to find out counseling services which he will attend with me to help me to get thru the trauma. I am in my 30s, quite attractive and have good career. No children.

Answer 1

It is possible to move on... however I suspect that if you are asking this question you have already decided and just don't want to admit it to yourself because at this time breaking it off would cause serious trauma on top of the trauma already suffered.

It always causes trauma to end a marriage or begin again. I recently did it myself and I am very good friends with him however we both realized that too much damage had been done and it was now or later.

Better now before we had children.

You can try to work on it however it will always be in the back of your mind and it will take years of work to regain that trust. Make sure he is prepared for it too. I was told by a psychologist once that you should never listen to the advice to just move on because and affair is something impossible to move on from, you have to move through it and you will never get over it just move past it. The moment you move on and forget it happened is when you make the same mistakes again.

It is possible but will take a lot of work on both your parts. You must decide how much work is this marriage worth and that will be your answer.

Answer 2

Only you can answer this one. Because no one knows what
they would do when it actually happens to them. It is so easy
for people to say leave him, once a cheat always a cheat etc.,

You will feel sick with jealousy, curiosity, hurt, betrayel and will
suffer with low self esteem. Look at your marriage and ask
yourself what you had then and what you have now. Have the lines of communication got better now? Were there any other
difficulties in your marriage. Did you take each other for granted?
There are so many reasons a partner may go off the rails. I do
know though, that I just could not accept my husband still working
at the same place as someone that nearly took him away from
me.
I have given my husband a second chance. His was texts to
someone I know. And I found out about it and he revealed all.
I felt sick - still do. But we had so many problems in our marriage
that we worked on them and now we have found each other all
over again. He is desperate for me to forgive him, it is hard, but there are only so many times someone can say sorry....
I hope you can work through this and never stop the lines of
communication. Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

Sorry to hear that.. What a low blow. I don't buy this whole "it was a mistake" thing - it might be a good excuse for a drunken one-night stand, but not for a deliberate continuous affair that only ends after having been exposed. (In other words, I don't really believe that in such situation one regrets having an affair as much as they regret being caught. If you only realize it was a "mistake" after having been humiliated by exposure, it's not worth much, in my book.) That said, you are a in a much better position to judge where your relationship might head off after this. I would say - try the counseling with an open mind; perhaps it will help you to understand each other better, and to forge a new bond. You can always give up on it later if you feel it's just not going anywhere.

Answer 4

Personally, you have an answer in your mind already. What you worry is that your decision is a wrong one. However, i feel that "two wrongs don't make one right". It doesn't mean that if you stay with after the incident will made you feel that it is a right decision.If he can do it once, I think he will do it the second time and again. You have to be firm and brave when you face this type of problem. Just carry on with your life and I believe you can do better without him. Utlimately the final decision lies with you. We only let you know how we see the matter as a outsider

Answer 5

It is possible to recover from this if you want to. If you still love him and you still want a life with him, it's good to note the effort he's making with seeking couselling and so forth. Of course being independent and with no children too many of your friends will say "Drop the bastard." Don't listen to them. No matter what happened, you have to follow your heart, not their heads and you NEVER know if they are coming from a place of caring for you or general judgement.
A huge issue is to realise (as you acknowledged) that the affair happened not just because he's "loose" but because there was a very strong need for communication which the two of you did not "click" on. I'd say try. It's hard to quit on dreams you built together just to say "YOU F****'d up - sorry for you!!".. If you love him, try. If you don't - then this is the universe's way of giving you a way out... only you will know.

Answer 6

Maybe I'm wayyyy too young to answer this question. But this is what I think :
It will never be the same again. Especially at the starting point. He cheated on you once. The next time he says "I need to work", you'll start to wonder whether he is having an affair again, causing so much pain in you.
Well, it's true that you can't weigh love. But the thing is, are you willing to go through days of doubt and fears ( that your husband is cheating on you again)? If you think you can handle it, then maybe you can hold on to your marriage, let time heals them all. If you think that you might not be able to take it, maybe you should give it up.
But still, you have to think through it carefully. Marriage isn't a child's play.
Just a suggestion, like I've said. I'm wayyy too young. Wish you all the best for whatever decision you'll make =) Is it alright if you inform me once you've made a decision? thanks =))

Answer 7

If you can forgive him totally...then the marriage can work.

You have to trust him, to not trust him is like second guessing yourself. If you can't be strong enough to trust him, then move on.

Personally, I think a marriage of 9 years if definately worth saving. You have gone through too much and come too far to let some homewrecker destroy it.

Stand your ground and tell him never again because there are no second chances.

And give it another shot. No man is perfect, but if he loves you enough to call it quits with her, than I would say he loves you enough to want to make the marriage work.

Don't throw in the towel just yet.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

why do you have issues do you know that marriages end because of money and lack of communication you don't have money problems no kids so how can you not get alone? if you can't communicate you are doomed in any relationship your good looks are not enough which is obvious since he had to cheat on you. So you need to get counseling for your reason's that you can't keep a relationship forget about sobbing over the past and so call being dramatized what about the issue that created the problem in the first place.

Answer 9

yes, it sounds like it would be worth trying. If you love him, that is. sometimes an affair can bring people closer together if it is dealt with in the right way. try to focus on him - find out why you are having communication issues, and what part you might have played in his straying. No, i'm not saying it was your fault. but we all have some sort of accountability in our lives. if you don't spend enough "alone" time - start. what is he interested in? try to become involved. sometimes a man needs his ego boosted, and if his wife isn't there for him, someone else will be

Answer 10

I think you have to see if you'll still trust him after all this. You have very right to question him, and you certainly have every right to ask for whatever will give you the piece of mind. If you think he's truly sorry, and is sincere about his love for you, give it a chance. However, if deep in your heart you know it's over, then it's probably done. By the way, you move on when you feel like it. And no, you can't forget the past for his benefit. Do what you feel is right for you.