My husband has no interest in me what should I do?

Question

I have been married for a year now. My husband had a 6 years long love affair before marriage. He still has a weakness for girls and is interested in flirting. Recently, he fondled my sister's breasts. He has also tried to fondle one of his colleagues, when she came home. He also uses bad language while talking to a friend on phone. He always says that he was never interested in marriage and married me under a compulsion. He doesn't do sexll with me and gives me no right as his wife. I always thought this was due to his broken relationship and he'll change with time. But he's getting worse. He comes from office, drinks, smokes he would lock the door and masturbate. I am fed up with all this. Last week, I went out of the house and took my mobile, thinking that he would search for me and call me. But he never called.

Answer 1

Hi,
It is indeed a difficult situation for you. I think we all realise that in the traditional Indian setting, that love, understanding, affection develop after marriage and the starting point of the relationship is marriage rather than understanding and trust because of the “arranged” nature of the marital bond.

Marriage is like an institution. While on one hand we have our rights in the marital relationship, we also need to have duties towards each other viz: acts/ verbalisations which would help in first establishing understanding, trust and eventually the bond such that sharing each other’s point of view and sharing the same frequency become the done thing not as a compulsion but as a consequence of the bond.

In your specific case, where it is a recent marriage, where one of the partners has gone through a previous relationship, the task is all the more uphill. Then comes the role of caring for a pregnant partner, accepting the pregnancy, planning the pregnancy, sharing the dreams and getting into a role of a would be father – the male may also go through these periods of stress and adjustment into the phases of life.

It is possible that he might have not made the transition from a single man to a married man to now, a would-be father.

Before going through any knee jerk reactions, it is time to introspect, it is time to sit and have a chat with your husband, it is time to share your apprehensions, it is time to be honest but without the need to get critical, it is time to spend understanding your husband’s view of the pregnancy - fatherhood, his apprehensions etc. The right to the child is never one person’s but two people are involved and those two people have to spend time with each other to decide what they want rather than one deciding to abort as what is there to say that the relationship may not get worse after it or what is there to say that the situation may not stay the same in the next pregnancy.

I would suggest spend time building the threads of attachment rather than looking for very simplistic solutions.

If after your best efforts the situation does not change, it might be advisable to involve a close family member from his side first and / or visit a marriage counsellor. Eventually, it might still be that you would have to think of taking hard decisions yourself, but after talking to an elder.


Enjoy Life

Dr.Mojo

Answer 2

Hello Sadhana,

It is a fact that in most parts of the world people get married to have sex, but in reality the institution was invented to provide one with a partner that would continue to dwell with them for a long time through all type of fortunes and misfortunes they may face.

In the modern times finding and getting involved into some extra marital sex is no problem and that is why more and more people you will find now avoid getting married altogether.

Six years is long time for a love affair. Your husband has a weekness for girls, but that weekness is in every man. Men are not like females, they probably will jump at every chance to mate with any lady who is healthy and seems exploitable. But he doesn't come near you, and that to such an extent that he will prefer masturbating rather dropping his seed anywhere on/in you.

He is upset with you. Mainly because you and him are not on the same brain wavelengths. Its not that you should be starting to help him flirt, you should try to behave how he wanted his lover to in his family and friends. Maybe in the begining months of your marriage you have expressed your views on something that have put him off. And now he doesn't care if you are there.

What I suggest is that you consult some marriage counsellor. Trying to look attractive and sexy is not the key to solving the problems here. Try to get to his mind and seduce him there.

Answer 3

If you value yourself at all, separate from him permanently or divorce him and find someone on your own. There are many kind and loving men out there. Was this an arranged marriage? Sorry to say this but, grow up, get a life and be responsible for your own affairs. Don't let other people arrange your future. Please yourself, not your family. Join hobby groups, go out with close friends and get introduced to others. Where did you pick up this piece of sh--? Flirting is bad enough, but fondling others? He should be in jail.

Answer 4

Why would you expect him to change? He is the way he is - and he has every right to be. By marrying him, you're essentially saying - hey, I know your ways, and I accept them; just keep on doing what you've been doing. Your actions tell him it is ok to disrespect you and your marriage; why on Earth would he change? Change is hard, being yourself is easy. Obviously, you're willing to put up with his crap; why would he try and work hard to change? When you get a doormat, you don't hang it on the wall; you are his doormat - until you stand up for yourself and prove otherwise, he will keep on treating you as such. When all is said and done - it is entirely YOUR choice in whether or not you want to assert yourself with others and demand their respect, and what kind of people you want to associate with in general. So far, it sounds to me like you have chosen poorly. Perhaps you can find the strength to change that.

Answer 5

Get out of this marriage. I know it`s not easy but the guy is disrespecting you in every way.
I don`t know if you have reservations about how your family will react but You are too good to waste your life without love and real companionship. He will never change so make your plans now to get a better life. If you need advice on getting out email me. Good luck with whatever you do.

Answer 6

a million. He does not make you experience "grotesque, valueless, undesirable, no longer enjoyed" you enable him do this with your insecurities. you like counseling. 2. how are you able to ***** approximately no longer having intercourse once you admit you are the single refusing to have it? while you're unlikely to fulfill his sexual desires besides as your very own, then he's going to take that rejection and locate somebody that may not reject him, this is probable what he's doing with the online porn. 3. Why are you betrayed? He hasn't cheated on you....yet. 4. previously you get in an uproar approximately porn, which isn't something yet looking, what number situations have you ever appeared? what number actors have you ever thought "he's lovable", or adult adult males on the line, or singers, or in spite of? it particularly is definitely one of those cheating too, when you consider which you're looking. No diverse than what your husband is doing observing porn. 5. Sharing your problems with every physique different than your companion is likewise technically an act of betrayal on your area. you're airing issues approximately your marriage to others, rather of speaking them over with your companion. How might you experience in case you have been looking the internet and found this comparable question, asked by potential of your husband? might you experience harm that he went to strangers rather of to you? That he felt he could no longer confer with you? You the two could desire to get marriage counseling.

Answer 7

LEAVE HIM FIND SOMEONE ELSE THAT DESERVES YOU, HES A PLAYER AND HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. SO WHY STAY IN A MARRIAGE THAT IS NOT WORKING. LEAVE HIM FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND SEE WHAT HE DOES THEN. AND IF HE DOES CALL YOU TO COME BACK TELL HIM THINGS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE AND TELL HIM WHAT THEY ARE, IF HE DON'T AGREE DON'T GO BACK LEAVE PERMANENTLY. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 8

Is he a maniac?You surely are in trouble.Let your family interfere. Talking to elders will help.even then if he does not behave the best thing is to leave him.

Answer 9

Oops. Hey you change for marriages sake. She is worth keeping.

Answer 10

Girlfriend. I am sorry to say this.... Leave this man! Get your head on and start thinking with your brain.