Newly wed in a rut! Okay, well, this is very hard for me to admit but here goes..........?

Question

To cut a very long story short - we have been married for 7 months. Everything was perfect until after the honeymoon where my husband went cold towards me & lost all interest in me sexually. We didnt have sex for 7 weeks after honeymoon & have only slept together 7/8 times since. I have talked to him, cried to him, everything I can think of. I was extremely lonely & started to talk to people on Net - nothing funny - just purely friendship. However, I met a wonderful man who lives far away from me. We clicked immediately. We met over xmas. It was as if we had known eachother forever. He is single. We did not sleep together as I feel very loyal to my husband. He stayed near me for 2 weeks & we met everday. I believe this man is possibly my soulmate. Its so hard to explain. Now I am confused. I meant my vows when i said them but I didnt realise things would change like this. Please give me some help. By the way, please dont say my husband is cheating because he definately isnt & wouldnt.

Thank u very much to all of u that have given me advice - no I have not changed my looks etc nor the amount of affection towards my husband. When I have talked to him about it, he says that nothings wrong. Obviously there is. He does work long hours in a stressful job but then again, he always has & I have a very stressful job too but I still gave my all to him. We really fell out on xmas eve & since then, he has made a little more effort but I dont know how long this will last. The other man is a genuine person. If I do meet him again it will not be for at least 4 months due to us living so far apart but we talk everyday on the phone. I believe with all my heart that this man adores me & i feel the same. I am not a naive, easily - led woman. Yes I have made mistakes but I am not easily fooled so I do not believe he is not genuine. All your comments are greatly appreciated x

Okay, again thank u very much to all of u for replying. There are alot of mixed answers! lol. To give u all more detail - We have been together for 4 years. Lived together for 3 years. He is 10 years older than me but that has NEVER been an issue. Looking back 12 months as someone said, we were having a few difficulties then too. But we overcame them & decided to get married. Without going into too much detail I had a bit of a crappy time with men. I have been used & abused to the nastiest, most evil level but although traumatic, I am now a very strong person who loves life. My husband & I have always been opposites but we didnt find that a problem. Until now. I am very outgoing & bubbly & have alot of friends whereas my husband is shy & reserved. I have tried talking to him til Im blue in the face but he will not accept theres a problem. To be honest, I had spoken to him about his declining sex drive over a year ago but it seems to be getting worse. Sorry for this being so long winded

Answer 1

I would suggest that you either get your marital problems sorted or consider a separation, before your embark on a relationship with this man. Whatever your husband has or hasn't done, he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Make your choice, choose wisely, and consider other people before you decide anything.

Answer 2

How long have you guys known each other before you got married? It is one thing if you've known each other for a year or more, have had great and frequent sex the whole time, and then right after the honeymoon things changed so abruptly. I don't know what the cause of this would be, perhaps it would be something that didn't have to do with you at all (depression or stress, for example). A slightly different scenario if you had only known each other for a short time, and have rushed into this marriage - this would be much easier to explain: as the initial excitement wore off, he simply lost interest, and regrets getting involved to such a serious degree.

That whole "soulmate" business is a perfect trap for someone in your situation. More often than not, it is simply seeing something you desperately wish to see, not something that is really there. You desperately yearn for a "perfect" relationship, and you're ready to jump at a chance find one - but it's is a dangerous move; your judgement is clouded by your confusion and desperation. I have had my desperate moments, and these are the times when it was the easiest to find people I would "click" with instantly. But upon further examination, and as reality was creeping in, these "instant clicks" were nothing but a figment of my (all too willing) imagination.

Please snap out of your imaginary world, and try to work things out with your husband. There has to be a reason why things are not working out for you sexually. How are other aspects of your relationship? Do you see things in this marriage worth working it out for? Sex is not the only way to give and receive love, and some people are not highly motivated by it. Does he perhaps have a medical issue he is reluctant to bring up? Explore all avenues, suggest marriage counseling, before going off looking for a "soulmate" out of sheer desperation. Even if eventually you decide that it's not worth it, and that you have to part ways - don't let loneliness and desperation be your primary guides in looking for a new relationship. Self-reliance and independence are your best advisors when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Answer 3

there has to be an underlying reason why your husband has changed like this if everything was fine before you got married. Sometimes the reality of being married can change a person. I know you have said that you have talked to him about this but it is worth another go. Be blunt with him and say exactly how you feel and that you think you should both go and see someone about the problem. This other man is a quick answer to a problem and right now he is giving you what you are looking for this dosent mean that it will last though.

It is hard to comment on what the problem might be with your husband but it sounds like you know he loves you very much and this is just a phyiscal problem. This is some good news at least.

It is lovely that you want to sort this problem out as many people would give up and go for the easy option, so stick at it and get him to talk. Cook a lovely meal for the 2 of you and say that you need to sort this out before something goes very wrong with your marriage.

I am sorry that I cant give you the answer but best of luck with everything.

Answer 4

You have gotten alot of good answers. You did not say whether or not you guys lived together before getting married. The thing is the first year of marriage is usually the most difficult. Learning to adjust to living together etc. Never look outside of your relationship for resolution. You guys need to be open and communicate alot to clear up any misunderstanding. I am sure you both probably wouldn't want you marriage to crumble so soon. If the problems are beyond you both then maybe you should seek counselling.

Answer 5

This is a really difficult situation. I think you need to put aside the issue of whether this new man is your soulmate for the time being (if he is, he'll understand you have to sort the situation out).

The key question is your marriage. You say you've talked about things with your husband: if he is unwilling to acknowledge a problem or discuss the matter properly i think you need to spell out that you cannot live like this. Maybe he needs such a shock to jolt him into action. Get him to tell you what the problem is, maybe difficulties at work, maybe his parents never showed affection and this is what he thinks married life is like etc. If he is still not willing to make a go of things then in my opinion you should save yourself the misery and leave. Don't let him make you think that you're being the unreasonable one. If the problem is just sexual then there are people you can see about that easily. If it's more emotional (which i get the impression), again, there are people you can see but he needs to be willing to work at your relationship. If he isn't then there is absolutely no blame oon you. good luck.

Answer 6

I do hope you have been up front and told your Husband that you have been seeing a Single Man ?
Why were you able to see this Single man over your first Christmas...where was your Husband?........bet he was round at his Mothers.....Mother -in-Laws can be the cause of break ups..in early marriages...mine was a B...h.....bet your Husband is an only Child.

After reading your added bits to your Question I think that you should have just stayed living together...you know what they say about signing Papers and entering a Contract?

You still didn't mention if you had told your Husband that you had seen another man though....did you?.....maybe he has picked up on the way you are behaving, so you really need to be up front with him.....he has feelings too you know?

Answer 7

before you do any thing daft mention to your partner that you are not happy if you are both in sressfull jobs that maybe what is keeping you apart he does not want to worry you and you the same but because you have chatted online and have met someone as a freind great dont try to get a point system together who is the best, worse case scenario have a double life until you find what you want dont torment yourself.you say,not to say your man and about cheating you are the one who has strayed like the old moo cow thae grass looks greener on the other side

Answer 8

My dear, first off you must understand that a marriage takes a lot of work. You need to find friendship in your relationship with your husband. And all of the things you are saying to this other man is all out of hurt from your husband. Please think about what your husband is going through too. This man feels that he found the woman of his dreams. That's why he married you. You & your husband really need to sit down and talk about all the feeling that bourgh the two of you to this point, At such a early stage in your marriage. He is your best friend. I have been married to my wife for 8 years this July and I love her with all my heart & soul, & we have two daughters 5 & 7. But we have are up's & downs too. But she is my best friend. And some times we can't talk about what we are feeling, But we never give up on eachother. And as carzy as it makes me I know one day my two daughters will be married. And no father on this earth wants to think about that day. I think if the two of you feel that you can't talk about the problem, Then you should seek out a chaplen or a Bishop to talk too. But really try to make it work.

Answer 9

I actually have qa family member in almost the same circumstances-their marriage is falling apart,and they've been married roughly the same amount of time. Problem was for them (in my opinion) they were both too young and got married too quickly.
What you need to do is ask yourself if you really love your husband. Be completely honest with yourself. Can you see yourself growing old with him? If the answer is no-then why not? Is it only because of the lack of sex? Have you asked him if he has any anxieties regarding that area?
Prior to marrying him,was he different-treated you differently,more attentive,etc..? People sometimes change after getting married-they 'settle',thinking they don't need to pursue their partner anymore-it's a done deal. You need to talk to him and tell him the truth about what's going on. It may shock him into realizing he stands a very good chance of losing you. But more importantly-it will be a start for both of you to make the right decisions regarding your marriage.

Answer 10

Well, if you meant your vows when you said them, then you really meant for better or worse or whatever that crap is. You need to forget about having a romantic relationship with this other man, but if you can stay faithful to your husband, then a friendship is okay! Who says your 'soulmate' can't be 'just a friend'? If you can't be faithful to your husband, you're going to have to let your new friendship go or at least for now. Work on your relationship with your husband. Why don't you have sex? Is he depressed? Does he have issues with sex? Is his sex drive just freakishly low? Why are you feeling so lonely just because he isn't having sex with you? Is he ignoring you in other ways? Why? Consider getting marriage counselling.

Answer 11

Cheating consists of more than just sleeping together. Also you might try consulting a doctor about your husbands condition. Stay away from aphrodisiacs as they are very dangerous and can even lead to death or worse limbido problems (FDA source). If the issue is just sexual try exploring your own sexuality and find out what turns you on and try to make that fit into what turns your husband on. Also you might seducing your husband by doing something kinky or whatnot.