What are your views on arranged marriage?

Question

Being an Indian it can only be an option unless my parents agree to marry me to a specific person. But is it good or bad in your opinion. People talk of the horrors of arranged marriage but is it always that way? Is there anybody out there who agrees with it? This is just one of those hypothetical, what-do-you-think questions. I was just wondering if there is anybody out there who likes it or hates it the way I do.

Answer 1

Proponents' views

According to supporters of the practice, there are three main reasons why arranged marriages work as well as they do:

1. Reduction or elimination of incompatibilities: Since marital incompatibility has been found to be the major reason for divorce [citation needed], arranged marriages ensure a much higher probability of success because they tend to match persons of the same religion, caste, dietary preference (e.g., vegetarian), linguistic group, age group, socioeconomic background, education, professional status, physical stature, etc. (One can argue about the negative effects of this strategy, such as inbreeding, but to the couple concerned, it can represent a net positive. There is still scope for significant differences in personality to make the marriage interesting, so arranged marriages do not have to be bland.)

2. Following one's head is often wiser than following one's heart: Important decisions such as a corporate merger must make business sense to practical analysts and not just appeal to the whimsies of the respective CEOs. Marriages are really no different and no less important. What is idealistically called "love" and "individual choice" is often the infatuation of the moment, which often passes when it is too late and the marriage has already taken place. Having elders vet the prospective spouse and their family is a kind of "due diligence" that needs to take place.

3. Lower divorce rates:Though this factor has been under-researched, many proponents of arranged marriages attribute near zero percent divorce rates (to somewhere around 4% suspected) to couple that have had arranged marriages (in contrast to a 50% divorce rate for their Western counterparts). In India, the divorce rate is very low, even in love-marriages (although for love marriages the divorce rate is higher than for arranged marriages). This is often attributed to the fact that couples who enter into arranged marriages (in contrast to forced marriages where there is a higher risk of domestic violence/dispute) are usually more "traditional" and less likely to forfeit a marriage.

This reinforces the contention that for Eastern societies (India, Pakistan and Middle East in particular), marriage is a vehicle for societal and economic aggrandisement.

4. Low expectations: Neither the man nor the woman knows quite what to expect, and there is a lot of understandable trepidation on both sides. This often works out well, because things turn out to be "not so bad after all". This is largely thanks to the above two reasons. Most incompatibilities have been eliminated, and due diligence has confirmed the suitability of the prospective spouse.

Other arguments:

Parents and other relatives who have been involved in the marriage arrangements have an emotional investment in the success of the marriage and form a valuable support group to the couple. If there are problems in the marriage, well-meaning elders may intervene to sort things out. (Of course, this is a two-edged sword — outside interference can often make things worse between a couple.)

The debate surrounds one main question: can an individual be trusted to make his or her own decision about choosing a mate, and if not, can the parents do a better job of it?

Compounding that, the debate depends on variables such as the closeness of the family, whether divorce is acceptable, and societal expectations which can vary greatly among and within cultures.

Proponents of arranged marriage often feel that individuals can be too easily influenced by the effects of love to make a logical choice[1]. In these societies, including China, the intragenerational relationship of the family is much more valued then the marital relationship. The whole purpose of the marriage is to have a family[2]. But, even if they do not love each other at first, a greater understanding between the two would develop, aided by their often similar socioeconomic, religious, political, and cultural backgrounds[3]. Proponents may also feel that marriages simply based on romance are doomed to failure due to the partners having unreasonable expectations of each other and with the relationship having little room for improvement[3].

Furthermore, proponents believe that parents can be trusted to make a match that is in the best interests of their children. They hold that parents have much practical experience to draw from and not be misguided by emotions and hormones[3]. Opponents will note that there are times when the choosers select a match that serves their interests or the family's interests and not necessarily to the couple’s pleasure and find this naturally, unacceptable[3]. However, the community and even the children may see this as an acceptable risk with potential benefits.

If potential partners in a marriage enjoy full freedom to veto persons they do not want to marry,and merely rely on their parents and elder relatives to act as trusted,level-headed introducers and advisers who have their best interests at heart, then arranged marriages become little more than a family dating service with some pre-marriage counselling.

Answer 2

I don't think it would work or that it is needed in western society and I don't know enough about Indian society to make a judgement. I have heard good and bad stories which turned out the way they did for many other reasons not because they were arranged marriages, so I think it really just depends. It can be good. It can be bad. It seems that a lot of people in India would like to have more options though.

Answer 3

I think arranged marriages are to keep "social status" people together, I dont understand the process of it, or why people can just set up the lives for someone else like that. To me, it looks like a "job" rather than a partnership. I just cant understand the concept of it being like "you will marry this person". A sense of freedom is gone, and choice is gone...like the life isnt really even "yours". how can compatability be determined by someone else rather than your own self?
But then again, I have met a couple from asia who were arranged marriage. One told me that it takes the first 5 years to get to know eachother and really learn to like eachother, and then another few years to work out issues and alot of sacrificing and comprimising, and they have been married over 15 years, and said it took 13-15 years to get it like "the perfect marriage" and to really love eachother, to get it literally perfect. The first 10 years were the hard years, like in a free choice marriage, the first 3 years, or 5, or even 7 years are considered the hardest years (I see this varies alot in free choice marriage, even seeing the first 2 years are the hardest...who knows?)
Basically, overall, to me arranged marriages seem scary. Honestly, what if I am not attracted to the other (physically)...even though it is said looks dont matter, you always see before you touch or taste, and then if he is boring, not attractive, or bad hygene, but even wealthy...I dont think I would be happy. Who determines who marrys who anyway? Maybe because I am so uneducated on arranged marriages, the unknown about it makes it not ideal for how I want my life, not how someone else wants my life to be.

Answer 4

Bein australian the whole arrange marriage thing was a foreign concept to me, one that i didn't understand and so it was one that i didn't agree with. Now that I'm older and know a little more about it along with people who have lived it, I don't think it's as bad as i originally thought. Unless the two people hate one another it seems that it works quite well and that lots of couples learn to love one another and stay together.. probably more than most western marriages do. It may be a good thing and one that my ignorance stopped me from originally understanding.

Answer 5

I believe every thing in life is a "gamble". As weird as they maybe I think arranged marriages are beautiful. As one of the girls at work whose marriage was arranged said "If things don't work out at least you have someone to blame". When you really think about it alot of times we end of marrying someone who we didn't even know anyway. After tying the knot we are like "this is not the person I married". LOL!!!

Answer 6

Arranged marriages are good, as far as the commitment to the vows taken are adhered to.
We have to see the social conditions where the arranged marriages are taking place. There are supportive social conditions. There is family to back it up, if anything goes wrong.

Finally, what sustains a marriage is understanding between the couple. Love it might happen.

Answer 7

There are advantages and disadvatages to a fixed marriage. The only advantage is that it will be a lot of challenge, thats all. But try to see the other side of it. Disadvantages a re a handfull compared to the advantages it will give you. For me, it's still best to marry a person you personally love by choice and not by arrangement. Good luck!

Answer 8

Arranged marriages are like other marriages, they may work, and may not. But of what I read frequently about Indian arranged marriages, better not to be of a poor family.

Answer 9

I hate it more than u do.
if one does not marry the person he/she desires, there is a risk of unfaithfulness.
if u also marry someone u do not know very well then u will have to live all the days of ur life coping with those bad characters which u would originally have rejected.
make a careful choice of ur partner and blame urself if it is the wrong one, other than having someone else who might not know u in-depth as to choose a LIFE partner for u!

Answer 10

All marriages take alot of work, i feel that an arranged marriage can be just as fullfilling as any other marriage. As long as both parties try to make it work.