This person has known me all my life and has just recently came back into my life. He tells me that he tried to contact me years ago to tell me how he felt and was unable. He has never lied to me and I have known him for about 30 years. What should I do????
2007-01-07 19:46:51 · 18 answers · asked by LadyBug 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Regardless of how he feels for you, or how unhappy his marriage is, the fact is that he is *still* married. Let this alone be your guide to behavior. If you get involved with him now, it is adultery by definition. It would be better if he first resolved the conflicts in his marriage before he gets involved with you or anyone else. Resolution can come in the form of reconciling with his wife OR getting a divorce. Either way, he needs to NOT have his mind and heart clouded by getting involved in another relationship.
And YOU must protect your heart by using your head. He's married, which means he's off limits. Period. If he wants out of his marriage, he needs to do that first. Getting involved with him at any time before his divorce is final will only complicate matters. You need to have enough respect for yourself to insist any man be completely free of any other attachments before you'll give your mind, heart and body to him. And HE needs to have enough respect for you to not be sniffing around looking for a convenient out from his marriage.
Dr. Phil has a saying that I just love because it's so TRUE: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he treats his wife like this, then he'll treat the next significant woman in his life the same way. He needs time out of any relationship to figure himself out. Give him that.
Good luck to you...and be strong! ; )
2007-01-07 19:55:31 · answer #1 · answered by Jen 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Most guys will tell you that they are not happily married. My ex and I had a very passionate relationship that ended in an unexpected way. He's been calling me and emailing me and telling me how lonely and miserable he is without me and how much he needs me. He got married, had a couple of kids too (its been 10 years since) oh but the story hasn't changed. He still says he's miserable and lonely.
When we love, we love with all our hearts and sometimes they see that pure love and take advantage of it. Not all men are the same but I'd advise you to steer clear. Don't go into another woman's territory, she too has a hear just like yours.
Good luck.
2007-01-07 20:20:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's an old saying..... When "the other woman" becomes the wife? All she's done is create a job opening...
People who are unhappy in their relationships need to deal with that issue before they move on. After all, if no time passes between one relationship and another, what can anyone possibly have learned about what it takes to keep a relationship alive and committed?
2007-01-07 19:55:03 · answer #3 · answered by Amy S 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Back off hes married and you do not have the right to but in.. Unless he gets divorced you need to keep your distance. This man is not yours and you cant break up a family because you "think" he loves you. Im sure his wife thinks that as well. Be adult about this and use common sense. Once a cheater always a cheater. What makes you think once hes with you he wont be telling another women he loves her?
2007-01-07 19:51:49 · answer #4 · answered by J&A 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
IMO, it really depends on your feelings for him. If you think you love him back, and you've known him 30 years, and you're extremely compatible, and are pretty sure things could lead into a wonderful direction, then I say go for it if you think it feels right.
I know, everyone says, "Ooo but he's married!".. As horrible as this sounds to most? - Marriage is just a title, and a legal document. That's all it is, that's just pure, true fact.
You don't suddenly stop feeling certain feelings because you have the title "Married" above your head. If you're married and no longer get enjoyment or happiness out of your current relationship - you shouldn't be in it. Plain and simple. You're only here on Earth for a short time, at least with this life, and you should spend every minute of it doing everything you can to enjoy it and feel happiness as much and as best as you possibly can. Why waste years being involved in something that makes you unhappy or no longer satisfies you? Chances are, if he's unhappy in the marriage, his wife probably is too. Why put yourself through unhappiness for the next 35 years till you die just because you have the word "Married" above your head? It's a word, it's a title, it's technically non-exsistant. FEELINGS are real, THEY are exsistant. You can even FEEL them.
And I say, whatever makes you feel the feeling of happiness the strongest, is what you should strive for and keep in your life as much as you can, to the best of your ability.
If you feel for this man, and he feels for you, and he knows for sure that he doesn't love his wife anymore and there's no chance of him ever feeling that love again for her in the future - then you two should be together in my opinion.
However, like someone else was saying, you definately do need to figure out and be aware completely of his entire relationship with his wife. If he's just going through a rough patch with her that might pass and be over with in a year or two, then you should probably leave things be and give him and his wife time to remember why they were in love to begin with, and restore that love and have things go back to normal.
If I were you I'd talk to him about his wife and how she is and her personality, and wrether or not he thinks his wife still feels for him, and if he thinks it could get better in the future, etc, etc.. Make him think about his wife and all of that stuff too.
If after that he decides his marriage is irrepairable and there's no chance of him even feeling something for his wife in the future, but he definately loves you, then well.. Try it out I guess.
Just be aware that you're basically lighting a cigarette in a gas-filled room. You're either going to ignite an explosion of hurt and horrible feelings, or you're going to get lucky and just light the cigarette and enjoy it.
That's my input anyway.
Your call!
2007-01-07 20:12:05 · answer #5 · answered by Nemo1313 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Run as fast as you can. I was in a similar situation which lead to misunderstandings and heartbreak as I tried to be his friend and he tried to pursue something more. Tell him that you can't talk to someone at such a conflicted place in his life, that his wife must have meant something to him at one point and that he should try to get some counseling to figure out what he needs it his life. To allow him to try to pursue anything with you is disrespectful to his wife and disrespectful to yourself -- you deserve better than a conflicted, married man with more baggage than goes through O'Hare in a day.
2007-01-07 19:55:02 · answer #6 · answered by Jamir 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I sometimes decline to answer such questions, but I usually would suggest that people stay away from married persons. It is a very personal choice as to what road you go down to. Sometimes you cannot blame two people for their relationships, however odd.
Just gauge him carefully and make your decision.
2007-01-07 19:56:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is a tricky one.I would just stay friends for the time being.Hashe got children from the marriage? Are you married.
2007-01-07 19:50:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell them that if their that unhappy then they need to get a divorce so they can move on with their life since they love you so much until then i wouldn't fall into any trap with him just friends. Good Luck!
2007-01-07 19:55:12 · answer #9 · answered by 2sweet4u 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I will tell you this, every married man that is after another woman says he is not happy. That they do not have sex, all kinds of things, if he is truly unhappy he can get out...Then that is a different story...
2007-01-07 20:00:03 · answer #10 · answered by Brenda Soooooooooooooooooooooooo 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋