How do I react now that he's outed himself to me?

Question

I'm one of those people who helps others with problems like this, and I even used to inhabit the GLBT section of this site a lot more, but now I have a dilema of my own. One of my best friends just outed himself to me today and I was the very first person he confided in. It's not a stage, he knows that, but he isn't going to tell anyone until we go to college (we're both Juniors, right now) because his parents are CRAZY fundamental Christians who would never let him out of the house again if they found out. So basically, he's going to tell me and maybe when he's ready he will tell a couple other people. Why didn't I see it before if I know so much? Well, I did, but he insisted so much that he wasn't (because other people accused him of it) that I got over the suspicion fast and it was just one of those things that we laughed about. We got mad because people assumed too much, but really I was blind. How am I supposed to help him with a family life like that? How will he be happy?

Answer 1

I have a Christianity-loving mom too who isn't accepting of gays and I used to have the same problem. People would always call me gay for caring about my hair and such and I just flat out said I wasn't (tho technically I wasn't lying because I'm bi ;). ) However, I eventually came out to one of my close girl friends and over time I gained enough confidence to come out to all of my friends, starting with the closest and working down the list of friends. All of them are very accepting of me and what helped me the most is what you should do with your friend. My friend gave me a lot of support. All you should do is make sure he knows that you care about him a lot and love him as a friend still. Support whatever decision he makes about coming out and stand by and stick up for him when he does. He will deeply appreciate it and it will make him happier faster. He can't change his family so he will always have to deal with that, but sometimes not telling them anything is better than telling them something they will hate. If he gets a bf during high school just don't bring him to his parents' house or get him to tell them that he's just his friend. Evangelical Christians will believe anything because they believe that gays aren't born gay and thus their son would never "choose" to be gay lol. But yeah, just support him and he will grow happier over time. I came out second semester of my junior year as well and I was fully accepting of myself by 6 months after coming out. Maybe he will too. Either way I wish you both the best of luck and I hope he grows to love himself!

Answer 2

Kudos, you sound like a very caring person :).

The only thing that you can do is be supportive of your friend. For a gay teen, having even that one friend you can convide in and be yourself can make all the difference in the world.

It may be for the best if he doesn't tell his family until he's on more stable ground (i.e. a way to support himself, moved out etc). Sadly, I don't think that you can really help him with his family other than being there for him for the rough spots. When and if he'll confide in other people or in his family is up to him alone :(. Having you there as a friend though will make things much easier for him in the long run.

I wish you and your friend the very best of luck!

Cheers,

Answer 3

Your job is to be there for him and listen. And be a friend. WHich, it sounds like, you've done an alright job of so far. It's probably wise for him to wait to tell his family until he's financially (and, perhaps, emotionally) independant from them. People DO surprise you sometimes, but...even if not, he won't be the first guy to be disowned over something like that. And, he'll be better off than some people, because he'll at least have friends to help him through it.


As for "knowing" ahead of time....why are straights so caught up in this? If you had a guess, does it really matter? If he didn't want you to know, he wasn't ready for you to know. That's all there is to it.

Answer 4

i get a sense that you have romantic feelings for this guy are are hurt that he is gay.. if this is the case, it will be tough to stay just friends..

if i am reading this wrong and your "blindness" is just a shock or just a frustration thing, then don't worry about it.. just be glad that your friend told you the truth.. you can still be best friends.. he will need a close friend to confide in and someone he can cry with and share his emotions and pain.

it is really sad that his parents won't be accepting of him, so it is probably best that he be very careful about who he tells..

also, at that age, getting sexually involved may not be a good idea anyway.. i'd recommend that he save that for when serious love develops at college or later in life..

how will he be happy? well, i'm 33 and have been single and lonely for 99% of those years, but i manage to get by.. friends, sports, music, etc.. whatever he can do to be happy. kepe busy, etc.. there is more to life than sexuality..

Answer 5

First just be his friend. He is going through a rough part of his life. Some parents seem to forget that this is their child that they choose to bring in to this world to love and care for. So they make it harder than it needs to be. Also I know where I am coming from on this. Please ask him to not tell anyone else not to keep him from being proud of who he is but safe. Some children can be very cruel as we know and they would or could hurt him. It might seem like 2 years is a long time but it is not. Just tell him you will be there for him and then make sure no one is listening when you talk about it. His safety and yours are the most important. After all the world is just full of brain dead Bigots that only want to hurt people for being human.

Answer 6

React now by being wholly supportive and talkative, he'll appreciate it. As a high schooler, it can only help him cope with those extra stresses that're being placed on his shoulders.

Over time, also try to get him to warm up to being homosexual so that he has no problems with being himself. It isn't absolutely necessary that he tell other people (especially his parents if they're fundamental Christians), but it can really be a source for boosting self-esteem; once he has no problems with having feelings for other men and being attracted to them, he'll feel that he's more able to be himself and not worry about what others think. And that only brings him closer to being able to tell his parents, who should have no other choice but to support him or tolerate it.

I applaud you. That he told you and no one else signals how he sees you in his life, that you are helping and changing him in monumental ways, and you should know that.

Answer 7

I know it's sad- but he probably shouldn't tell anyone else if he doesn't want to parents finding out (especially if your in a small town) Parents always seem to find things out (mine always did). He's right though, just wait until college and then he could really meet some guys! :)

Answer 8

It's not your problem to fix...
As a friend you can only
support his choice.
This is one he will have
to do on his own. Allow
him the space to learn
how to be strong.

Answer 9

tell him he is on his own.
it's his family ,
and all you can do is be his friend to talk to
if he needs you for that.

you see, friends come and go ,
but families are forever, and this is something
he is going to have to handle and all you can do
is support him.

good luck.

Answer 10

Relax and be his friend. Sounds like he has it under control. he will find his way. Just don't blow his cover - keep it confidential.