How do you know when to call it quits on your marriage?

Question

I've been married for 5 1/2 years and have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. My marriage has been fairly rocky for most of the time we have been together. I love her and love my children, but she has control issues that have not gone away after years of therapy and thousands of dollars. Part of me became resigned to the fact that she will never change, and I have to decide if it is something I can put up with for the rest of my life, or if I should separate and move on. I have no anger or hatred towards her. I want her to be happy and I want my children to be happy. We have had sex about 3 times in the past year. I'm not attracted to her anymore sexually. There is little tenderness and affection of any kind anymore. It is like we are roommates managing 2 kids. What should I do?

We have done therapy together. My issue was feeling insecure and she showered me with affection and security in the beginning. Because she satisfied that need for me, I looked the other way regarding her control. Now I'm feel much more secure about myself. My life is actually great apart from my marriage.

There has been no infidelity and we both put our kids above our needs on a daily basis. After a while though, not addressing our needs starts to impact the kids because we don't have anything positive to give to them. I think the best thing I can give to my kids is to be an example of emotional health.

Answer 1

First of all, those 2 children of yours is gonna eventually grow up and move out of the home and start their new life one day. Now...its gonna be you and your wife in that house alone. Now that the children aint there, what else do you guys have to focus on? The children are grown and out of the home. So if you guys are merly staying together for the children sake, eventually they'll grow up seeing what an unhealthy marriage you guys had, and probley will end up with someone the same. Children are like a sponge. She is probley upset that she feels you don't need her to feel secure anymore, and that also probley bothers her, cause controlling people ARE infact insecure people.If therapy didnt work, And you guys only had sex 3 times in the past year..it sounds like you guys deffinetly need a break away from the children. Sometimes when a women becomes a mother, she becomes more insecure, more controlling because now she is worrying about losing her home and her family and may not like what they see in the mirror after having a child, which makes them beyond insecure..the thing is people have to remember that they can still date, be sexy and romantic..but for some reason, soon as they start having children that all seems to end. And that is the problem, you stop dating your mate!! You are now Dad in her eyes, and she is now Mom in your eyes, but at one time, you looked at her as your lover..try to regain that. Date again..have someone babysit the children..spend more time together, cause if you don't...it will only get worse..and you'll just be another divorce statistic.

Answer 2

Do you really love her? Does she love you? Why aren't you attracted to her anymore? Has she gained weight? Maybe the two of you should join a gym or something. Be supportive of her getting back to her pre pregnancy weight. Are YOU perfect??? Exercise will do you both a world of good ~ you sound depressed and she could probably use the time away from the children, as well. Surely you realize that after 2 children the relationship between a man and wife will change. I don't think it's something to leave her over though. Only you know what you should do.

Answer 3

First of all you cant just walk away.
Second why does she have control issues?
The therapy should have helped with that already if not then you are going to the wrong place.
Is her control issues because of something you did to break her trust or something someone else did?
You married her for a reason so you need to get that reason back somehow. Maybe she needs a vacation alone for awhile so she can have a chance to miss you and the kids. She also needs to learn to trust again.

Answer 4

I don't believe that anyone should be unhappy, however, you did vow to stay married til death do you part so you two really need to try and work this out. If she has control issues then she needs to get help. Sure, it would be easier to just end the relationship and go find you a new woman with a different attitude. But you need to do everything that you can to save your marriage. If you know that you have done everything in your control and she still refuses to cooperate then I would move on. But only after we have exhausted all avenues. Good Luck!

Answer 5

If you do pull the plug on the relationship with your wife, move in next door so the kids still have their Dad in their life.

I'm surprised as .........that you allowed your self to marry this woman first of all and even more surprised you had the second child. What is wrong with you?? If you stay in this relationship, for heaven's sake get a clip job so no other child is brought into the family.

When the baby graduates, move on. Right now your love and sexual life is second to the emotional needs of your children. Parents subordinate their desires once kids are on the scene.

Answer 6

If you have tried counseling and there has been no change in the relationship than maybe the next step is a trial separation. Not all marriages workout and to make things better you should both move on.She may feel the same way and is also afraid. Talking this out with your counselor maybe a good idea.

Answer 7

First you really have to evaluate. Can you live in this situation any longer? If you can, do it, if you can't, then it will be time to go. It is a difficult decision and no one on here can make that one for you. It is up to you what you can and can't live with. I love my ex-husband, I always will, he unfortunately does some things that I could not live with. We parted ok. We both knew that we were at that point. Have you tried to talk to her about how you feel? You would have to approach the conversation in the most not threatening way possible. No matter what you will be co-parenting your children and you will want to do what is best for them. Personally, I told my hubby that I could no longer live with his choices. It wasn't his fault, it was just the way that I feel. Good Luck, I know this is not going to be easy no matter what you decide to do.

Answer 8

If you didn't have kids it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but since you do, I would try at least a little longer. That's a tough one, I know. We all want to be happy in our relationships. Sometimes you feel like you can't do it anymore, especially when she shows that side of herself. You didn't sign up up for this.

Divorce hurts the kids in more ways than any of us realize, but depending on your situation, it may be worse on them if you stay together. You must weigh it out. Maybe a trial separation would do you both good. I feel for you. I truly do. I wish you the best.

Answer 9

Since your not adverse to therapy, have you done marital therapy? You both have to be willing to put the work into marriage that it deserves. Can you do that? Will she do that? She went to therapy for herself but this would be for the health of the marriage. Maybe that would be more important to her. If this marriage can be saved then it should be, but if truly there is nothing left then it is time to move on.

Ignore the first poster...its a troll.

Answer 10

I can't comprehend the difficulty of your situation, but I do know that when you get married, it is for life, and you shouldn't get divorced (unless your partful is very unfaithful).
Please don't think me a pervert, but not having sex is a very bad thing, and that alone can cause or lead to massive problems. I suggest you convince yourself that your wife is the sexiest woman alive to you, remind her that she's your wife, and make a habit of being intimate with each other, and then discuss how to share power and control. Please talk to a Pastor or close friends together. A man and wife have responsibilities to share power, lives, and intimacy with each other. Please try with everything you are to make your marriage work, and let her see how much this hurts you, and show her you just want to love, share, be intimate, and work out your lives together.

Chris

P.S. I beg you, do not listen to the person who said to walk away... I REPEAT, DO NOT(!!!!!!!) LISTEN TO THE PERSON WHO SAID "WALK AWAY"