Do emotional responses always produce irrationality, or can they sometimes be more truthful?

Question

I got into an argument with my boyfriend over something dumb. He was leaving for work, and he stormed out after we both failed at attempting to de-escalate the situation. He knows I hate it when he leaves angry because we're both still upset, and the situation goes unresolved (I hate both). To resolve it, I decided to e-mail him.

The first (unsent) draft of the e-mail was angry. The second version (still unsent) was more rational.

But I'm confused.

I feel like the first version was more honest and addresses a bigger problem. The second version makes me feel like I'm backing down, but it IS closer to a resolution.

Am I somehow giving in by trying to reach a resolution? Am I not giving it enough time (it's been a whole 20 minutes since he left)? Am I trying so hard to resolve arguments that I'm ignoring a bigger issue? Is there really a bigger issue, or is that the irrationality of anger speaking (I suppose no one here would really know that)?

I'm frustrated and confused. Ideas?

Laura, normally, that's what I try to do, but with him leaving for work, it was difficult to do that. I guess I was more urgent to solve it before he left, and I kept pressing to get it solved, and I think that made it worse. (And now I feel like I'm blaming myself, and I'm not sure if I'm to blame.)

Answer 1

I think sometimes irrationality can produce some well needed truth. I say take the time that he is at work so you both can cool down. During that time read the first email and ask yourself what about it is the truth that needs to be dealt with.. "the bigger problem". When he gets home, show him the email and explain to him why you wrote it. If there is a bigger problem, you need to deal with it instead of skirting around it, but you also need to deal with it with a cool head, if not the problem will only get worse.

Answer 2

The emotional repsonse is sometimes NOT the best as sometimes we are clouded by our emotions. I think it is better- to send the second version of your e-mail as you will resolve the conflict. And at a later date, when you both are calm you can bring up the 'bigger picture' issue- and hopefully have a constructive discussion. Good luck.

Answer 3

If I were you I would just leave the room when ur both in a fight and take a time out. Make sure u both understand that. Then when u cool down find a resolution. Just what I would do.

Answer 4

I totally I understand what you are saying. It seems like sometimes my fiance and I agure over issues too but those issues seem to be big issues we are going through. I hate being mad at each other.

When we are going through tough times in life or agrue, either one of us usually encourages each other to look at postive things in life. Most of the time we each stop and pray together over the situation. I know I don't know who you are personally but if you and your boyfriend really like/love each other, I would suggest to pray or talk over this situation.