should i stay or should i go?

Question

i've been with my 'wife' for 3 years; i've known her for 19 years. over the past 6 years, she's been battling a huge drinking problem. very recently, she's been diagnosed as bipolar. i've been very supportive. very supportive, even after she lost her job. she's verbally abusive when she's drinking and throw things and punches holes in the wall. she started new meds before christmas, which is a huge step because she finally admitted she needs help. she's seeing a shrink; two, actually. the problem is that she keeps promising she'll change, then drinks, doesn't take her meds & insults me. we had a long talk on new year's day about starting over and moving back home (i think that's what has triggered the depression). but that night and since, she's been her usual drunk self. it used to be that anytime she was sober, i tried to be happy & have fun with her, so she'd want to be sober; but now, i'm just mad & hurt. what would you do? stay or go? why?

she's not physically abusive; well, to herself when she punches something and bashes her fist.

i've always said i'd never get married; then i did & always said i'd never 'divorce'. she's very angry with me all the time; sometimes tells me to go; other times throws the "in good times and in bad" in my face. i love the person she used to be.

i'm in california & every place i've checked says she can sign herself out at anytime. which she would.

Answer 1

Many people with a drinking problem have an underlying problem with depression. And many bipolar people medicate themselves at both extremes with alcohol or non-prescribed drugs. Your wife is in denial -- even though she says she has a problem she may just be saying what you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words.

I can't tell you whether to leave or stay. You may decide to do a formal, structured intervention with yourself and other people who care about her. Your "bottom line" can be that if she doesn't get in treatment immediately, you're gone and will not accept any calls unless she is asking you to take her to treatment. You can find out about interventions if you call a treatment center, they can advise you how to set it up. But going has to be her choice. It doesn't work if it's against her will. At a certain point, you have to take care of you.

You may find help at this site, which is for people who have relationships (family, spouses, etc) with alcoholics. I hear great things: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I will be sending good thoughts your way.

Answer 2

I can't tell you what to do but I know someone who is just bipolar and the person who their with is tired. Just like you are describing. They try to be there for their other half and they are constantly criticized and their always hearing I'm sorry and it's the same old thing. They are very depressed w/ the situation and at the same time their tired of babysitting the other person. And they are struggling also if they should go or stay. If it was me I would go because what kind of love is it if your depressed and are getting insulted all the time. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you because life is to short.

Answer 3

Being mad, hurt and very tired of it all after so long is only natural. But could you really leave your wife when she needs you so much now. You are doing all the right things, but you also need help to cope with what is going on. Go to AA support group or some group that can help you. Talk to her shrink or her doctor, as they may be able to help you. You need to start thinking about what you want and not always your wife.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

The most loving thing you can do for her is to take her to rehab, even signing her in against her will if need be. A judge might have to interact and sign the paper too. I know someone who had this done. The person never drank again, it was a very good rehab. Blessings to you.

Answer 6

when someone suddnely starts drinkin alot and doin all that stuff means she is not happy in her life about somethin and if i were u i would stay i would do whatever i can to help her,even if i had to complain at her behavior all the time atleast i won't leave her after she lost her interst in life (depression)and lost her job...darling if u really love her stay with her but if u just think u dont have anymore patience then leave her
good luck

Answer 7

I would give her an ultimatum in that situation, she cleans up or you leave. This is clearly unhealthy for the both of you. Sometimes even if you've been the most supportive person of their lives you have to give a bit a tough love to snap them out of it. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Just because she is not physically abusive doesn't mean that you aren't being abused. Mental and emotional abuse exists too and that is what you are experiencing. Leave if she really wants you back she will change for good.

Answer 9

oh--tough.
you love her, so you should stay
it's an unhealthy relationship, so you should go
if she just recently started new meds, i'd stay and give her an ultimatum: set a date: she needs to be sober & stay on her meds by Feb., or you'll leave. then stick to it. she needs to get healthy, but you deserve a healthy environment, as well.
it's "in good times & in bad", not "in good times and in psycho"

Answer 10

you should stay and help her through it, all she needs is a little support, and a lot of love. cuz you dont need to ruin an 19 year relationship. just help her thru it . just keep pushing her.dont let her personality get to you if you really love her.