what do you do with a muslim husband who never listen?

Question

I'm just tired giving ideas to my husband, we can do this, we can do that... 5 years together havent buy a house havent buy a car, havent buy a table!, only this computer that HE bougth. I buy my piano.
HE always in financial problems, and I pay what I have to pay some of the rent, my food, my clothing, my transportation. If i drive his car i have to pay him too cause he always complain about the money.
I gave him thousand ideas how to fix our financial problems and I told him if we dont do this... this will happend , AND yes HAppend! but he still never listen to me....
HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
I have my own money but I cannot keep giving money, either I dont want to support him, he put me in a bad situation with my legal paper work, other words HE never ask INS for me to stay in USA .
so for them I dont exist yet . i am not permit to work. Im tired , Im so happy with him but he looks like is not intrested in the marriegue.

Answer 1

Remind him of your rights within Islam and the things he is always supose to do for you

1. If the husband is not spending the amount of money required of him to provide her and and her dependents food and shelter; if he has ceased cohabiting with her, whether deliberately or for a protracted period (i.e. one year or more), due to absence abroad, imprisonment, or sickness for example (but not due to study, trade, lawful employment, or military service) or even under one and the same roof for a period varying from six months to three years according to the jurists of the different schools; if she has discovered a physical or other blemish in him that makes the conditions of conjugal life impossible or intolerable, such as sexual impotence or insanity (in which cases the marriage may already be invalid to start with, since the absence of such defects is a precondition for its validity); if any of the explicit additional conditions agreed upon in the marriage contract (if any) is not met; if he mistreats her in a patently cruel and unbearable way (e.g. she bears the marks of beating on her face or body), if he is or becomes a non-Muslim or prevents her from praying then there is grounds for divorce.

2. She should first ask her husband to give her a divorce after duly ascertaining that one of the above conditions is present, as shown by the hadith: "Any woman that asks her husband for a divorce without actual harm [being committed against her], then forbidden to her is the scent of Paradise." Thereafter, ask a knowledgeable and Godfearing qadi or imam to grant it. She should see the qadi or imam, preferably together with her husband. The spouses must be prepared to receive and apply matrimonial counsel and must show that all avenues of reconciliation have been exhausted. At any rate, the qadi or imam has to verify, after due course of investigation and cross-examination, that the wife is being mistreated in a harsh and intolerable manner before he can pronounce a divorce. The wife must also be prepared to spend her `idda (post-separation waiting-period of four months and ten days) under the conjugal roof during which time cohabitation is forbidden. And Allah knows best.


Family Law in Pakistan is in adherance with the principles of the Hanafi madhhab.

The Dissolution of Marriages Act of 1939 in Pakistan provides the woman the facility of obtaining what is called "judicial divorce" by decree of a court. Section 2 of this Act paraphrased below stipulates the grounds whereby this dissolution of marriage can be sought by the woman:

1. husband's whereabouts unknown for 2 years
2. husband's full delinquency in providing maintenance for 2 years
2a. husband's polygamy on an illegal basis
3. husband's imprisonment for 7 or more years
4. husband's delinquency in performing marital obligations for 3 years
5. husband's impotence at time of marriage and up to application
6. husband's insanity for 2 years, leprosy, or virulent venereal disease
7. wife having been given in marriage before 16 years of age and repudiating the marriage before 18, provided marriage was not consummated
8. husband's cruelty such as:

a. habitual assault or even non-physical ill-treatment
b. associating with prostitutes or leading an infamous life
c. attempting to force her into prostitution
d. disposing of her property or preventing her rights over it
e. obstructing observance of her religious duties
f. not treating her equitably according to Qur'an if he has more than one wife

Source: Muhammad Sharif Chaudhry, "Women's Rights in Islam" (Lahore: Ashraf, 1991), p. 60-61.



A Wife's Basic Rights Regarding Her Husband's Behavior

NOTE: This is distinct from her other rights regarding living expenditures, housing, clothing, and education of children. And from Allah comes all success.

1. The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her." This is an order of the Prophet [salla Allahu `alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, abbr. (s)] according to the hadith: "ahaqqu al-shuruti an tufu bihi ma astahlaltum bihi min al-furuj"

2. He cannot order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).

3. He must exercise patience and be prepared to listen to her advice in every situation. The Prophet (s) listened to the advice of his wives in matters ranging from the smallest to the greatest.

4. If she invites him to wake up and perform the late night prayer, it is praiseworthy for him to do so and vice-versa. The Prophet (s) prayed for such people: "May Allah grant mercy to a man who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up his wife, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face; may Allah grant mercy to a woman who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up her husband, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face."

5. He must respect her and pay attention to her needs so that she will respect him and pay attention to his.

6. He must control his passions and act in a moderate manner especially in the context of sexual intercourse. Remember that Allah has placed between you and her "friendship and mercy" (mawadda wa rahma), not the gratification of your every lust; and that the Prophet (s) advised young men to marry "because it casts down the gaze and walls up the genitals," not in order to stimulate sexual passions. The husband should habitually seek refuge in Allah before approaching his wife and say: "O Allah, ward off the satan from us and ward him off from what you have bestowed upon us in the way of children" (allahumma jannibna al-shaytana wa jannibhu ma razaqtana). Allah has called each spouse a garment for the other (2:187), and the purpose of garments is decency. The Prophet (s) further said that he who marries for the sake of decency and modesty (`afaf), Allah has enjoined upon Himself to help him.

7. He must never ever divulge the secrets of the household and those of the married couple.

8. He must strive with sincerity to acquire her trust, and seek her welfare in all the actions that pertain to her.

9. He must treat her generously at all times. The Prophet (s) said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.

10. If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.

11. He must avoid excessive jealousy and remember that Allah is also jealous that he himself not commit. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not be excessively jealous of your wife lest evil be hurled at her on your account" (la tukthir al-gheerata `ala ahlika fa turama bi al-su'i min ajlik) and he said: "Allah is jealous and the believer is jealous; and Allah's jealousy is that the believer should not go to that which Allah has forbidden for him" (inna Allaha yagharu wa al- mu'minu yagharu wa gheerat Allahi in ya'tiya al-mu'minu ma harrama `alayhi).

12. He must protect her honor and not place her in situations where it is compromised or belittled. The Prophet (s) said that Allah will not ever let him enter Paradise who cares little who shares his wife's privacy. This includes the husband's brother, uncle, and nephew, let alone non-related friends, neighbors, and complete strangers.

13. He must exercise patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce. The declaration of divorce is a grave matter indeed, and the Prophet (s) said: "Of permitted matters the most loathesome before Allah is divorce" (abgh`ad al-halal `ind Allah al-talaq). In another hadith he said that divorce is so grave that because of it Allah's throne is made to shake. He said: "The best intercession [i.e. intervention of a third party] is that which brings back together the husband and the wife." Womanizing -- divorce for the purpose of marrying another woman out of sexual attraction incurs Allah's curse according to the hadith: "Allah's curse is on the womanizing, divorcing man" (la`ana Allahu kulla dhawwaaqin mutallaaq). Finally, even in the midst of and after divorce, Allah has prescribed kindness upon the man: "(After pronouncing divorce) she must be retained in honor or released in kindness" (2:228).

For the above-mentioned reason (i.e. to prevent the quickness of divorce), in his time, Ibn Taymiyya gave the ijtihad (juridical opinion) by saying that three talaqs in one sitting constituted only one. He did this to interdict the prevalent custom of suddenly giving three talaqs, which in his time was on everyone's lips, (i.e. had become so commonplace as to be a habit). However the other four schools of fiqh had the opposite opinion in this matter.

14. He must not dwell on what he dislikes in his wife, but on what he likes.

15. The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. Allah said: "Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129). Protracted separation (6 months or more in the Shafi`i school) without prior or subsequent arrangement with the wife, whether the husband is away willingly or unwillingly (for example due to war, imprisonment, or illness) is sufficient grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

16. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not beat your wife." He also said: "Do not strike your wife in the face." The expiation for striking one's slave in the face is to set him or her free on the spot, but what expiation is there for striking one's wife? The Prophet (s) condemned the man who beats his wife in the day and then approaches her at night. And to beat her to the extent of inflicting serious injury is enough grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

17. Caring for one's wife's sexual fulfillment is an obligation of religion. The Prophet (s) warned against rushing to gratify one's pleasure and forgetting that of one's wife. He also disliked that the husband should quickly withdraw from his wife afterwards, as it is a strain upon the wife. If she asks for intercourse, he should not refuse.

Conclusion
These are only some of the basic duties of the husband in Islam. The state of marriage is part of one's adherence to the Sunna and an exalted state of life indeed. In the words of the Prophet (s), it permits one to meet Allah "pure and cleansed" (tahiran mutahharan). One's behavior towards one's wife is the measure of the perfection of one's belief as the Prophet (s) said: "The most complete of the believers in his belief is he who perfects his manners, and the best of you in manners are those who act best towards their wives." Marriage must be approached with utmost seriousness, entered with the purest intent, and cultivated religiously as it does not come cheaply and it carries immense reward. The Prophet (s) called it "his way" (al-nikahu sunnati) and "half of religion" and he also said: "Two rak`at (prayer-cycles) of the married person are better than seventy rak`at of the unmarried." He also warned that among the greatest of responsibilities that had been placed upon men is that pertaining to the treatment of their wives.

And may Allah's blessings and peace be upon Muhammad,
his Family and all his Companions,
and praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

(source: http://sunnah.org)

Answer 2

That was nice of this tony girl to tell her you can talk to her. I too was married ( divorced now thank god) to a muslim and they don't respect anything you have to say. Now I know layla down below put up the words to remind him what his role as a muslim man to treat the woman. but i too tryed that in his Koran and he said that only works if i change to be a muslim for him which i wouldn't do so he said it was then okay for him to treat me this way and that if only i change to be a muslim would i see how wonderful he is. If your husband has said this to you don't buy it any religion you are the man should still be good to you. Im sorry to say but it sounds like you and him arn't going to work out this is nothing compare to other things he will do down the line and wait till you want to go places he'll have an excuse for that too.

good luckl

Answer 3

Him being muslims has NOTHING to do with it, my husband is white and sounds just like yours...its because they are men.
We always go look at showhomes in the interest that we will but one, it has been 3 yeas and nothing...just broken promises and dissapointment.
I dont have a car either, and recently my husband has his hands on 30,000 dollars and STILL would not get me a car, even used, I was just called a selfish *****.
I ALWAYS give my guy ideas on his financial problems, but he never listens and know he is 6000 in debt from his own stupidity.

Answer 4

I don't know why you mentioned that he is a moslim it's a problem with too many men no matter what their religion is and something important too;is that he absolutely doesn't symbolise Islam he is very far from being called a moelim because he doesn't deserve that word all what he does is contradicted with what Islam says about such issues ,however don't give up and pray for him ....he needs you "an honst loving woman like you"

Answer 5

i think your instincts may be right. i'd say follow your heart on that one. if you want 2 leave him you should before you've wasted sooo many years that you could have spent with someone who actually cared about you. it may be hard, but think about how hard it will be to live w/ the regret of wasted years & youthful looks that you cannot get back!!!!!!!!!! live your life for you, b/c we enter & die by ourselves and @ the end, we will be the ones either miserable or happy or regretful of our actions. When you genuinely love someone, their happiness means sooo much to you that sometimes you'll do things you never thought you could do. now do you think that his actions reflect that? seems more like a friend that you are financially supporting.think about it & be smart. Good luck!

Answer 6

It doesn't sound to me like what you have is a "marriage". I can't help you with your legal problems but I think you deserve better than he is giving.

I think I'd move on before you end up broke! Good luck.

Answer 7

File for divorce. He is a moocher (user). Muslim or not he isn't a real MAN.

Answer 8

VERONICA: Please see if you can give me a call as soon as possible!! I knew someone like that a few years ago and the poor woman wound up in the hospital..almost insane! Please, Please before its too late for you call me ...ok? Please! My number is 305 883 9277 and you can call me any time of the day or night! I truly want to help you out of this situation..

Your friend..

Tony

Answer 9

Don't leave him yet, find an American man who will love, honor and respect you for you, and once you have established that, tell your husband to hit the bricks and start a new real life.

Answer 10

you have the same problem that lots of wives have, husband that does not listen

Answer 11

Muslim men are not like real men...
They OWN you, and you have no say, so they ignore you.
Divorce him, and find an American man to love & cherish you.