Ok, my hubby and I were married ten years ago. His cute kids were 4 & 5, and with their mother. We saw them maybe once or twice a year. (not because we didn't want them more...we were at their moms mercy). Anyway, stuff happend and we did not have them one day, and the next we did. They are 14 and 15 now. And while I love them super huge....they are not so cute as they used to be. The 14 year old girl and I are vying for 'Queen of the Castle' status, and the 15 year old boy is kind of not so considerate to girls.
Did I mention that my husband and I have a 9 year old girl who has been an only child in her home until now? The dynamics and tension around here is at times unbarable.
Please...I would welcome some advice on how to help all these kids have a better quality of life and to aleviate some of the bad vibes around the house.
THANK YOU!!!
2007-01-07 11:49:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
Just explain to them, that even though you are not THEIR mother, you are THE mother of that house, and while they may have come from a home with different rules, these are the rules of this house. Anyone not following the rules of this house, will get some of the privilages of this house taken away, those privilages include phone time, visitors, overnights at a friends, outings like skating, bowling, etc. Not to mention money. Let them know that if the situation gets bad enough, or if their is any disobedience for your house rules on anyone's part that you will have to discuss it with their father, and they will be dealt with more severely than just privilages taken away. Remember, and let them know too, that they don't ever have to love you, that's not a requirement for living in your home, but they must respect you and your house at all times while they live there.
2007-01-07 12:24:54 · answer #1 · answered by classyjazzcreations 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You & your husband need to have a sit down IMMEDIATELY. You two need to establish the rules. They should not be any different than they were before the other two kids came to live with you. Your stepson's rudeness-unacceptable.... the stepdaughter's "need to be queen" - unacceptable. The "only" child... will have to learn that this is how life now is... and that is that. Your husband needs to uphold all the rules & discipline the oldest kids. There should be NO rules that are any different for anyone. Your stepdaughter needs to be put in her place by your husband immediately. Try not to hold onto any anger & remember that this won't last forever.
I love my stepmom as much as I love my real mom(I've had her since I was 14, now I'm 36) Try to find something in common to do as a family. Set some kind of goal that can be reached with good behavior... ( $$, cell phone, cd, dvd... etc) Or start taking away things (cell, phone, ipod, etc) for such behavior. If you and your husband get together on this & HE lays down the rules, stick to this & it should be clear what is expected & that should help a bunch.
2007-01-07 12:06:16 · answer #2 · answered by cowgirlkolbie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only advice I have is to have as much together time with each child as much as possible. Have dinner together. Also, try to have family meetings once a week to see how everyone is doing and to see what you and your husband can do for each child. Your daughter has to also adapt, just like everyone else and being an only child in the home has changed. She has to learn to share time and resources, but this is something that you knew was a possibility when you married a man who had children. I hope it can be resolved - maybe counseling as an entire family is in order as well.
2007-01-07 12:04:43 · answer #3 · answered by downinmn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation. First of all I give you kudos for trying to do what is best for all 3 of the kids. It must be very hard for your daughter, but even more hard for the kids who only have one biological parent at a time. Be compassionate, but not a doormat. This early teen age time is a very important one for learning boundaries. Be kind and loving, but have firm rules, the same rules for all of the kids, and the same punishments.
I would suggest a family therapist for all of you, they might give you some great tools on how to handle the "steps" and also give them an objective person to speak with.
Good Luck!!
2007-01-07 12:00:48 · answer #4 · answered by meow 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just establish your routines and be consistent. Kids need to know what's expected of them. Of course you are in a period of adjustment, and mistakes will be made. Just be open about what your hopes are, and understand that teenagers can be difficult under the best of circumstances. And be sure you and dad are in agreement on the major issues and provide a common front, because the divide and conquer method is probably the first one they're going to employ. Good luck and lots of patience!
2007-01-07 11:57:44 · answer #5 · answered by Mrs. Strain 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
#1: You have to keep in mind that their mom probably didn't say lovely things about you.
#2: The boy especially doesnt know what to think about the situation.
#3: The girl is probably feeling insecure about her place, and if she is wanted or loved
Bottom Line: You have to be patient. They have obviously been through a lot. You have to let them know that they are wanted, loved, and nothing bad will happen. I may not be totally on the button, but it may give u some ideas.
P.S. Y'alls lil girl should adapt fairly quickly, just give everything time!
2007-01-07 11:55:09 · answer #6 · answered by reannas_mum 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
be nice, im sure the 14 and 15 year old didn't just up and decide they wanna come live with you, they were made to, let them like you on their own, they will have to some time or another, they probably just want their mom and miss her and don't want you to try being a mom character to them since you and your husband seen them a few times a year, it will take time but YOU BE NICE TO THEM AND THEY WILL BE NICE TO YOU
2007-01-08 05:51:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the only thing i can say, is advise you to have a family talk.
just sit down in the living room and calmly discuss what's bothering you. let them all have a chance to talk, but make it clear that they'll all have their chance if they keep butting in.
that's what my mom's been doing to us. she's raising five teens at the moment!! quite impossible i know. but i respect her for it. we have it around once every three months, more often if the need arises.
it's emotional. we cry. we laugh and we get really angry sometimes! but afterwards when we look back, we see it's for the better.
2007-01-07 11:59:38 · answer #8 · answered by ? 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
make it known that you are not trying to become their mother but you care for them and you will respect them if they respect you and this is coming from what a 14 year old girl that got this treatment from her step dad for the last five years. i tried to be politely rude to him but he didn't give up so i did and to this day i consider him a cool step dad. hold out because you have more patience than they do and you want it to work more then they want it to fail.
2007-01-07 12:00:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you must lay down the rule and explain that you are not their mother but you are of a role close to that
then you must let time fill in the rest...
2007-01-07 11:52:46 · answer #10 · answered by Evermore 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋