this is my 1st marrage,my bfs 2nd(he also has a child with his ex)tom's 1st wedding consisted of a huge wedding(200+people in which 78 were toms family)expensive engagment photos the full works.now for "our" wedding he wants it as small as possible tells people what a waste of money a wedding is.his proposal consisted of us sitting at home looking at houses to buy.he said he did not want to buy a house with me unless we were married(to set a good example for his son), i said ok,he said we will go pick out the ring tomorrow that was it.i told him i will pay for half the wedding,which is more than his ex did(he payed for the whole thing right out of college)i don't expect an expensive wedding,i just want him to show some interest.i know from his sister he was fully involed and excited about his 1st wedding.sometimes i feel hes getting married just to have someone help pay the bills.does this mean he does not love me as much as his 1st wife or is it just done it did it no big deal anymore
2007-01-07 09:25:46 · 16 answers · asked by sarahgreen789 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
money is tight with him now(do to his divorce/child support but so was it when he got married the 1st time
2007-01-07 09:27:42 · update #1
He is just thinking about how much that first divorce cost so he wants to save money on the front end of this one...the money he is saving on the wedding will cover the lawyers in a few years...
2007-01-07 09:27:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
how long have you known him? how long since he was divorced?
how long do you all plan to be engaged? is he still talking about her once a day or more? the reason i ask is that things seem to be going along kinda low key to be the kind of lasting emotion needed for a good marriage. are you sure he's not still rebounding? if any of these questions cause uneasy feelings maybe you should back off and examine things with a fresh viewpoint. course i'm just reading between the lines a little, while you're in the middle of the book, by which i mean you'll have to make the decision and act. and sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. btw , things won't change after you're married , except to get more intense. (or maybe less intense in this case) and the 2nd wife feeling takes years to work through.
2007-01-07 09:44:43 · answer #2 · answered by geezer 51 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to slow down and take a good look. Where are your real priorities, and his?
1. I know most girls/women hang a lot of significance on the ONE day that is their wedding day. What is really most important is what happens before and after that day. The kind of wedding you have is not going to validate you as a human being, in the long run. Making sure you did your relationship homework WILL.
2. Why are you really getting married? Because you both have a vested interest in shared life goals? Or to meet your need to "arrive" in life? Believe me, if you do not feel cherished and valued before the wedding and on your wedding day, you will not feel that way after. It is not so important that it's fancy. It's important that the most important people in your life are there, and that you have a service that is meaningful to you, and time to celebrate a bit with those TRULY VALUABLE family and friends.
You cannot waste energy begrudging what the first wife got. If you do you are feeding yourself emotional poison that will kill off your relationship.
2007-01-07 09:40:47 · answer #3 · answered by justbeingher 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am a second wife and I felt so bad after reading your post. My husband did everything and anything for our wedding. He knew how important it was to me so he did everything possible to make it wonderful. I think a lot has to do with age (I'm 28 and he's 36) at my age I felt it was huge, where at his he could care less as long as we were together. I hate to say it but I don't get that vibe from what you have said....it almost feels like you are an "instant wife" to take care of his child. It sounds cruel, I know, but that is how it sounds. Long winded story short, I think you both have a few more things to work out before walking down the isle.
2007-01-07 09:35:46 · answer #4 · answered by just here 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am a second wife, my husband of almost 10 yrs now was the same way, and yes I still feel the way you do but I've learned though the years that it really is just a few hours in one day of your life and it is so much more important to focus on the marriage then it is the wedding.
2007-01-07 09:45:42 · answer #5 · answered by pooh 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I guess it all depends on if you are settling for this guy. I mean if you don't think you can get anyone else or you can't do any better, then go ahead with all the plans for marriage. Personally he sounds allot like me! My second wife was a marriage of love, sure, but it was also a marriage of intelligence. We were both married before, we both knew horrible marriages. My first lasted 5 years, this one is going on 18 years and is stronger than any marriage I've seen. I know I'm giving you mixed messages here. This is what second marriages are all about though!
2007-01-07 09:44:09 · answer #6 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have been married for 15 years- my husband was married before with a child as well.
I have never felt "shorted" - I think you need to look at yourself and figure out why you feel this way and talk to him about it.
There was no big Proposal with us either or a HUGE wedding. The important thing anyway is---at the end of the day you are married to the man you love.
Sounds to me like he is very secure in his love and relationship with you...maybe you have insecurities.
2007-01-07 09:30:14 · answer #7 · answered by Aero-Smith 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am a "2nd Husband". I know how you feel. Although my wife's situation was a lot different than your fiance I can see how you feel. In my case, her first husband is/was a horrid bastard. He was extremely abusive and was very unfaithful. Where that left me was having to bear the brunt of her scorn. I got accused constantly of having affairs for the first several years. In the end, after 9 years and two kids, one has to wonder if I wouldn't have done it differently had I known then what I know now.
Bottom Line... there is nothing more powerful than a woman's intuition. If you feel bad about it... if you are even 25% uncertain about it, then you need to wait, or call it off.
2007-01-07 09:33:22 · answer #8 · answered by Jamie 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It doesn't sound like he really wants to get married, sounds like he's just needing someone and is tired of dating. Reading between the lines, you see the signs, you just want to ignore them. It's very hard to marry someone who's been married before when you haven't. You just don't come from the same experience. It doesn't sound like you guys want the same things. Please don't get married just 'cause he asked. You'll regret it. I think you both need to do a lot of soul-searching. Marriage is a life long, serious commitment. I don't think either of you is ready for that.
2007-01-07 10:13:50 · answer #9 · answered by sweetredbeachlvr 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should sit down with him and discuss with him your feels and concerns. Let him know that you understand that this is his 2nd marriage but he has to understand that this is your 1st marriage and you'd like for it to be a wonderful memory. Just like he was excited about his 1st wedding you want the same feelings and emotions for this wedding.
Hope this helps
2007-01-07 09:34:05 · answer #10 · answered by blackqueen_2000_blackqueen 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋