What happened and is there any hope?

Question

Okay so we been married for 8 years 9 years together. We did everything together, people had hope because they saw the love that we had and everyone I know saw us and saw the way he looked at me and always said they never saw so much love in someone about me or anyone. We got married when we where 19 moved and traveled together, made all steps together. Married for love, have a 4 year daughter and he always said we are his family his only family, that I am his best friend, and lover. Yeah it sounds perfect but it wasnt always off course. But this last year we moved 4 times finally got to Denver the place we talked about for years to plant our roots, things where going great, but then finiancl problems hit, I got into a car crash, he lost his job and my grandma died, and I flew to California for the furneral, we sent emails back and forth because he didnt have a job when I left, he would tell me "Keep believing", "We'll make it", "keep the faith", we always talked, and I mean always,then he got two jobs and I had to borrow money to make rent but I found a job to help out and I believed we were going to get through this then, he was working so much I told him we would have to reley on 5 min conversations, it would be tuff,but then he wouldnt call me he got home he was tired and I would make his coffee and we would talk for a little bit. Then the no calls got worse and I got mad, then the day before I started my new job, I was being a smart ilick, and asked him is this how things are going to be, and he turned around and said " I guess so" I told him this was like a divorce and if that is what he wanted? But not meaning it. And then he turned around and said "yeah, Im okay with that" "IM Done","Im done with you" Now he is very mean, havent called me doesnt want to talk to me,complete 180 out of no where. I moved out and to other state hoping things would work out. Found out that he has a girl/friend, and then more and more. Then I found out a girl helped him move out of the apartment. I check the phone bill and the calls didnt start intil after he said he was done. He told people he has been walking on eggshells? Im to needy? Im holding him back? Told me he owes me nothing. I dont know this person. He has not talked to anyone, its like he fell off the face of the earth. Im trying to cope, but I cant even fuction going to the grocery store. The dreams I have, and one minute Im fine and then bam, it smacks me in the face. Do you think he feels the same way, is it really over, will he come back, what happened/ Did I miss something because anyone who knows him and knows about this is very shocked, and they all want answers too, they dont understand anymore than I do. This is so hard, it really happened out of no where. WHAT HAPPENED? WILL HE COME BACK? Its been a month and so much has happened, he did this before x-mas, my daughter b-day which is on x-mas and our anniversay is Jan 22. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

Answer 1

Wow - this is complicated. It sounds like a combination of things. I suspect he is suffering from depression and feelings of inadequacy due to the lack of a job and the financial problems. In your absence he was obviously attracted to someone else who could help fill the emotional void he was feeling. She obviously told him all the things he wanted and needed to hear ( most women who lure men into affairs are very good at this.) It could also be that he feels like he is holding you back and is trying to cut you loose to go on with your life. I am not sure there is anything you can do to salvage the relationship if he is seeing someone else and has made his decision. Would you still trust him? Are your feelings still as strong as they were? What would change in your relationship if you got back together? Give it some time and you will start feeling better. Some of the things you wrote suggest that you too might be suffering from depression. Seek a consultation with a physician to see if anti-depressants might help. Taking care of yourself will help you deal with things more clearly.
Been there - done that. You will survive and be stronger when this is over!

Answer 2

I can kinda relate from your husbands point of view. I know what it's like to be the one who gives 110%, the one who has the faith that holds both parties up during stressful times, the one who always tries to be the bettter person, the one who forgives and encourages, the one who has loyalty unlike the common, the one who loves and loves and loves... And I know what it's like to do all this and have someone say something like you did; and you know it's like something snaps inside you. He loved you and held you in a special light, he loved you very true and unconditionally, he worked against all obstacles because he thought you and him were a team. And when under so much pressure and feeling like he's given all that he can and is needing someone to be the understanding one, and wanting someone to just not need him or need his energy, for something to be just okay for a moment and probably feeling pretty down on the inside, you put the last bit of strain that he could handle. I'm sure you said it out of feeling insecure about things and it was just the wrong thing to say at the wrong time, he was tired and if you could say that it made him feel like you needed more than he could give you anymore. Sounds like he just got tired of giving his all, being the hub to hold it all together and struggling and having a partner act like the real strain was on them. Sometimes people snap like that. He now has his gaurd up where you are concerned and he doesn't want to feel when it comes to you and him. He may not ever. And depending on how angry he got and how used he felt he may not ever have a tender spot in his heart for you again. Really.

I don't mean to come down on you...you sound like a nice person. And I'm sure you did your part and you made effort after effort too. I am only trying to give you a POV from someone who has reacted the same way as your husband did. I am sorry for your loss and hope your situation improves.

Answer 3

That's really terrible. This is the first question I've read that made me cry. Don't give up, keep asking him to tell you what went wrong, try not to let his meaness get to you, I'm thinking he's covering up some very painful feelings with it. Maybe he misunderstood the divorce conversation, and thought you were like demanding one or something. So much can go wrong in a long distance relationship....I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it must be unbearable...have faith. Maybe he'll come around. The love you shared couldn't have been phony, and a love that strong just does NOT disappear.

Answer 4

There isn't anyone here who can help. It is over and you seem to have pushed it to the edge with your fantasy of everything working out. When he was working two jobs you got a fit because he didn't have enough time to pay attention to you. Any man would give up at that point because you were not supportive. You should have read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, "The Care and Feeding of Husbands." But you do not want to see the truth and that is why you put the question here because you knew you would get total support from all the women who answer this.

Answer 5

I Hate to say this and hurt you, but no I don't think he will ever come to you. He had to go a long distance find work and absense makes the hurt go fonder for somebody else. You see you have so much time apart wanting everything perfect or like both you thought it would end up being. But you see lonliness and not having your love with for so long, the love finally just melts away and need someone to love and your gonnna find them. I'm so sorry but you need to give up on him and try to make a life for you and your daughter, you need to start looking for some one else, because he is gone and want be back.

Answer 6

Im so sorry for your pain. I cant tell you why or if he'll come back. Everything happens for a reason and I guess he just felt overwhelmed with all that was going on. Sometimes people do not express their feelings the hold them in and what ever the problem was gets bigger and bigger till they explode. My best advice to you is to let it go and if it was meant to be he will come back. In the mean time get some counseling and boost your self esteem. Good Luck

Answer 7

It doesnt sound very nice. Perhaps he was thinking about one of the other girls before you left? Why did you use divorce as a threat? Have you tried talking to him about it or wont he even do that? perhaps you should cut your losses. Whatever has happened is going to be very hard to get back to normal sorry.

Answer 8

You need to stop waiting on him. Take care of yourself and your
daughter. He has checked out of this marriage. It's not as if he agreed to work it out. Don't let him keep hurting you and putting your life on hold.

Answer 9

I agree too long!