Are 11 and 12 year olds too young for makeup, padded bras, plucked eyebrows, and hair dye?

Question

I am the stepmom of girls these ages. My husband and I have been raising the girls since they were 4 and 5. Their mother is back in their life (again) and during visits to her house they wear makeup, one got hair dyed, both got eyebrows plucked, and one got padded bra that said DIVA all over it. Me and their DAD are not old fashioned, but things like that are not allowed at our house. The mother doesn't pay child support and drops in and out of the kids life any time she gets a new boyfriend or moves. Which is often. This is causing a lot of problems. Do we have the right to be upset or what?

Answer 1

YES too young! only leads to sex and drugs and tramps stamps. keep the boundries! Distract their attention with other fun unique privleges. like new Appropriate clothing or whatever as rewards for sticking to the rules. My ex does the same crap she does fortunalty i have younger aged boys but they try to expose them to all kinds of movies of behaviors and lifestyles i don't approve of. just teach them right from wrong and don't allow the stuff in your house and tell them WHY.

Answer 2

First of all I would have a conference with the mom, without the girls around and explain to her you feel uncomfortable with her doing this. Since she doesn't pay child support I would go to the courts, she should only have as much contact with the girls as you allow her to. This isn't healthy for the girls. I would have the girl hair dyed back and make them give the padded bra back. She is going to make them grow up way too fast. She's trying to be the cool mom and trying to make up for not being there like she should. I was 13 before I was allowed to wear make-up. Why would they need padded bras? what kind of attention is that getting. If they are a size C, like I was at 11 they should get regular bras.

Answer 3

yes, it is way too young. i'm just now 5 months pregnant with a little girl and i know that when she turns 11, these things will be the last things on her mind (except if she has her dad's eyebrows, then we'll think about getting them plucked--haha). but i think it is ridiculous that the mother would want her 11 or 12 year old to have a padded bra, is she trying to tell them that it is okay to be looked at sexually at this age? i think you have every right to be upset and i think you should tell their mother that you do not approve of the things she buys the girls. if she gets mad, so what, at least you are there to take care of them. keep doing what you're doing...you sound like a wonderful mom.

Answer 4

Yep you have a right to be upset. The bio mom gets to waltz in and out like Santa and not have to worry about the consequences. It also sounds like she's reaching out on the level she knows how to though. Plucking their eyebrows and stuff like that. It's kind of more like a friendship than a mother-daughter relationship.

I'm not you, so please don't think I'm telling you what to do. But I think if I were stuck in this situation as long as the stuff the mom is doing with the girls is temporary then I actually think I'd let it slide as long as they were only doing the stuff in the house. I think it would make sense for the dad (and you too as long as you don't think bio mom will flip) and the bio mom to have a talk about what she can and can't do with the girls. Although it would be tempting to ban all the stuff she wants to do, I wouldn't. Nails, eyebrows, makeup, styling hair. It's all temporary. I think I'd put my foot down on dyeing or cutting hair, and any underthings other than training bras maybe with matching panties. So the girls get to look forward to doing a few grownup things with mom. Maybe that can be their special bond.

I think I'd explain to the girls that their bio mom loves them, and she likes to share things with them. But that dad is in charge. I'm sure they know that since it sounds like mom's been popping in and out for ages. I'd let them know that these things were okay when bio mom is there, but that after she leaves regular rules are back in place.

As for what's appropriate for 11 and 12 year olds nowadays. Well again I have my opinion on that but it may not fit with what you believe. I think that lipgloss that either just has shine or maybe has a little tint to it is okay. No other makeup in my opinion. Clear nail polish, or pale see-through colors. Plucked eyebrows... hm. Well my ancestors come from a hairy part of the world and I did start plucking at 12. But I wouldn't let them overshape them. They'd have to still look natural. Training bras, most definitely. Girls are developing so young nowadays. I got my first training bra in 5th grade. (none of that diva crud though! tasteful stuff)

Okay I know this is long. Sorry! But I wanted to address both the bio mom issue and the fact that the girls have now been exposed to this stuff so they may want it now. Whatever you decide to do, good luck! :)

Answer 5

A little bit of make up like lip gloss and mayb SOME eye make up but not a lot. No plucked eyebrows unless they are incredibly bushy and she gets teased or something. Hair dye, I don't know. It's not as big of a deal as the others, but I'd say no more than a few subtle highlights. Padded bra, maybe if she needs a lot of support, but otherwise no.

Answer 6

Way too young she is making them look cheap and at 11 and 12 that really isn't a good idea in this day and age.You should talk to their Mom about the rules of your house, you and your husband are raising those kids and paying for them therefore you have the right to make the rules. She sounds like a terrible example for a mother.

Answer 7

You most certainly have the right to be upset!
And your kids probably talk about how theyre mom
buys them this that she is so cool,, but twhat they dont is how
"cool" you and their dad is, see the difference is that you two care about them. I would sit down with the mother and tell her, if you and your husband have full custody, that you cannot alollow the girls to go over there is they are allowed to do something that you don't believe in.. As long as your daughters dont look "slutty" i guess its okay for makeup, but plucked eyebrows? They should be encouraged thart their eyebrows are beautifull natrually, i think you and your husband are doing the best job you can, considering you dont want to make your daughters mad. And if your husband also disagrees with the makeup/paddedbras/plucking/dying/ then mabey he can explain that to the girls.

Answer 8

makeup- very light (light eyeshadow, concealer [spot treatment], little mascera, lip gloss, that is the MOST they should wear)(heck i'm around 13 and all i wear is concealer [on my pimples] and lip gloss, occaisionally curl my lashes)

padded bra- dependes on how thick, if its like 1/4 inch then that is WAYYY to much, when i was 12 i had a very light padded(as in BARELY more than a soft cup..) bra 4 every day, and i had a padded (like 1/5 inch) for VERY special occasions (i hated it any way)

plucked eyebrows- sure, but not pencil thin (if they havent heard full, but groomed are in)

hair dye- NO!!! i would settle 4a tint, or highlights, but NOT dyed hair, it can ruien it


geeze, if the mother is setting a bad eample EXPLAIN to her that u dont want them to wear it!!!!

also explain to the kids

Answer 9

They are WAY to young for the eyebrows, hair dye, and padded bra. But let the 12-year-old wear NEUTRAL colored make-up, but do not let her look like sl.ut. I was twelve when I began to wear make-up, but I wasn't allowed to wear dark eyeliner or anything until I turned thirteen. Let the twelve-year-old buy a bra of her own choosing, but don't let her get one that says "DIVA" all over it or anything. Just ask her why she bought the bra that said "DIVA" all over it if nobody else is going to see it. Just explain to them both why they shouldn't be doing these things until they are older.

Answer 10

I dont think so, even when i was eleven people were looking at other peoples buiznesses. As long as there not using really dark colors. Like I saw some girl in the store and she looked like a baby hooker. I have no problem with plucking eyebrows, and hair dye. Dude a padded bra that says diva is a little extreme, expecially under a white shirt. I screams rape! White padded braws are fine, its not like she is trying to imress anyone and gonna take her top off. Kids will be kids but they need to act there age.

Answer 11

yes, they are and oh yeah, you do have the right to be upset. Its really sad to encourage that kind of insecurity about one's image and self-esteem at that age (any age, in fact!)
I was "mom" to some kids whose parents couldn't care enough to support them in any way--- but were allowed to have the kids for visits. It was heart breaking to see so much of your hard work undermined by people who really don't want to give up anything for their kids.... just wanted to once in a while step in and win some 'popularity points' with the kids--- then walk away again.
The real problem is, how do you deal with it? What are her legal rights? How badly would it impact the girls to not visit her at her house for overnights? Is it possible to set down any ground rules for the visits?
Probably all you can really do is continue to speak honestly and lovingly to the girls and explain why you feel it would be much better for them to wait until they are older to make these choices. Support them in a different life-style--- one that is wholesome, emphasizing sports and church and hobbies, etc. Given positive alternatives, and helping them have great self esteem, they will probably turn away from imitating their mother's "hoochie" style.
Without making it obvious you are talking about their mom, point out how dressing and acting this way leads to the kind of life she has--- no self respect, no permanent relationship. etc.
Give them the truth, lovingly, without being a dictator, and kids will usually be smart enough to choose it.