I'll try to make this short. I've been married for 1 yr 5 mo. I'm suprised it has lasted this long, but I'm pathetically brokenhearted. My husband only sees his side of things, and when I try to talk he turns it on me and also accuses me of making him out to be the bad guy. I don't lie, but he says I do, there's a lot of emotional trauma on my part. I KNOW I need to get out fast because I'm depressed with 2 children - 3 and 1 1/2. I'm tired of being ignored and talked down to and insulted. I KNOW I have to leave please don't say that - it's obvious. There's a lot more going on than just what I've said but my problem is that I HAVE to get some kind of finality. He always ends the arguement (because everything is one) when I try to pin down "so are we going to try to fix it (again) or what?" (fixing = me doing what he wants me to change and him being . . him) I know that it's pointless, but I can't end it without this closure! He WONT let me talk about it . . . HELP!
2007-01-07 07:03:27 · 18 answers · asked by kswildangel 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
sweetbeachlvr - actually our daughter is ours. my son is not his, but he is daddy. yes i work. in fact i have been supporting the 4 of us since he and i met almost 3 years ago. he just started working 2 months ago.
2007-01-07 08:25:27 · update #1
oh and . . . I am not wanting to have a divorce or seperation I want to work it out . . he's the one making plans that I accidentally found out about to disappear, as well as declaring his "feelings" to his ex on a message that I found, as well as inviting her to a hotel room. So yes, he has a lot going on right now, but how long can I justify his actions towards me when he won't apologize, talk to me, or make any effort to change . . I'm supposed to change. I understand that most people are like "poor me" . . . . but there is a point where enough is enough . . you can stand by while someone goes through bad times, but not when they take it out on you!
2007-01-07 08:28:27 · update #2
I have been exactly where you are now. I know you don't want to hear the obvious, so I wont say it. I will just say that I finally left. I stayed in it trying to make things work, trying to get closure until I almost didn't see myself anymore. I have been gone from him for 16 years, and he still hasn't been man enough to tell me anything that was true. You are going to have to just close that book. It wont be easy, but it has to be done. It took me a while when I left, but I made up in my mind the last time I left 16 years ago that I would never let him suck me back in. The way I handled that was when I would get lonely for him, or think about the good things, I would turn my mind to what all he had put me through. It was a one day at a time process, put l made it through. You can too.
2007-01-07 07:14:43 · answer #1 · answered by Mis I 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stop wishing you'll get a straight answer and start figuring out why you're not. Does he feel trapped? Can't help but miss the fact that the children are 3 and 1 1/2 and the marriage is less than 1 1/2 years. You've kind of gotten things out of order and maybe he feels like he's done his part by marrying you and, I'm assuming, supporting you. Do you work? Would he have married you had it not been for the kids? You made a commitment here and you need to honor it. Be honest with yourself about the hows and whys of the marriage and each person's role in it. Once you honestly try to understand where he's coming from, maybe you can figure out how to work it out. You just need to concentrate on doing your part, regardless of what he does. I don't thing the marriage vows go "I do.... as long as he does". Will it be easy.... HECK NO! but if you're only looking for easy, I wouldn't recommend marriage in the first place.
2007-01-07 08:09:53 · answer #2 · answered by sweetredbeachlvr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If we realize that our field of dreams is not the same as someone else’s field of dreams, we’ll get along better with that person. This is a hard thing to learn sometimes.
No two people are alike. Each has an agreement with life that is unlike any other. Learn love, patience, and grace, because they are the way to find harmony.
The marriage bond can only be sacred if it is sacred to the two individuals who have agreed to this union. If they are one in heart, how can they be divided?
A true marriage has commitment by each person. Both realize the responsibility of that commitment. A marriage of the heart lets each of the couple remain an individual, but the two are as one.
The secret is that one cannot live without love. You’ve got to find the kind that agrees with your spiritual makeup. Once you have it, you find it a delicate thing that can slip away like water through the fingers.
Love tries to find a harmonious way to resolve each situation.
2007-01-07 07:31:22 · answer #3 · answered by rajkath 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Something else is bothering your husband. I don't think it is you. He is feeling stressed about something. Don't ask him anything at this point Tell him you are tired and worn out from all the fighting and you have made a decision to put an end to it .Tell him you are doing your best and if it it not good enough for him, then you agree that he needs to go . You have a very important job of raising these children and you can not do your best when he is continually bending your spirit. Tell him he is not a bad guy and you are not a bad woman. Your just not good together.
2007-01-07 07:22:43 · answer #4 · answered by sweetpea 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know this is going to sound stupid and off the wall but it works. Sit down and write him a letter telling him how you feel and that you both need to work on the marriage. Suggest counseling w/ a pastor of a local church and if he wont go, ask why not. Tell him in your letter that if you dont work things out w/out fighting, then you're going to leave. Dont file for divorce but just tell him that you both need to think about what you truly want from your marriage and that you both need to come up w/ a solution to your problems. Let him know that when hes ready to calmly sit down and talk like an adult to come to you. Dont make any contact w/ him until he comes to you first. Make a list of what you want to discuss w/ him and expect to get some answers. If theres any type of abuse, then file a pfa w/ the local police. Your kids deserve a family that truly loves them. They dont need to be abused and neither do you.
2007-01-07 07:27:18 · answer #5 · answered by fierylegs 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You keep answering your own questions...you don't need us to validate yourself or your feelings. Go, get some help, whether it is family, friends, psychological, or welfare. But get those babies out of there or they will end up being another set of the two of you. Be good to yourself and your children. He will get your point when he comes home from work and there is no one to be his slave. Maybe he will be better later, but right now, you don't have time for later...no matter how much more there is to the story. What kind of ending does this story have to have to make you see things like they are? Hopefully for the kids a happy one, think about it.
2007-01-07 07:11:35 · answer #6 · answered by momofatsc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ouch you and I are both in the same boat. The only way to explain the men is Narcissism. These type of men won't discuss the possibility they are ever wrong about anything. It will always be our "fault" regardless of what it is...and as you have decided also....I am going to leave the relationship. As for closure, about all we will have is the satisfaction of knowing it will stop happening to us by those particular men. I know this doesn't help much, but it's all we've got. The emotional pain from it will take time to heal. Good luck to you.
2007-01-07 07:30:15 · answer #7 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two things:
1. You should both read the book "The Assertive Option" THE classic in getting your wishes out there without trouncing on the other guy's ego. (get it cheap on Amazon.com, yours by Thursday, cheap, and worth every dime.... (It is still available, in paperback, and still used in counseling classes, because no one has yet written one better.)
2. After you have both read this, sign up for a few session in counseling.... you guys don't know how to communicate without rage. And if you were not raised in a home where that was the way people discussed issues, you now have to learn them.
If none of this looks like you wish to bother, because of yours and his inabilities to communicate, your marriage is doomed.
2007-01-07 07:21:10 · answer #8 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to tell you something from a married man perspective....Have you ever considered that fact that he has been put through alot of changes in his life..he may not know how to really appreciate his marriage and even appreciate you because he may be used to getting his way and now that he has someone that is not allowing him to do what he wants he has become fearful that he's not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved....
2007-01-07 07:10:19 · answer #9 · answered by strickly2deep 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People usually ask for advice when they know the right answer, but want a different one. If you're unhappy, then go. If you're in a dangerous situation, find someone to help you and get out. Having the last word is never as satisfying as you think it will be.
2007-01-07 07:08:47 · answer #10 · answered by Legally Blonde 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋