My husband and I are at the lowest point in our marriage at this time. We had a plan about a year ago to start planning for a family..within the near future. The guys at work..had an idea to go work in Calif. and make lots of money!! So..by all means..he hopped on a plane 9 months ago and has come home about 6 days a month since then. He's in total awe of the amount of money his RN male room mates are making. Hence.. he started school..meanwhile..the baby idea was never discussed again...and neither was the long duration of school and what that would do to our relationship...and now he's taken that a step further and has told me he will continue to work out of state even after graduation..and "this is how he wants to work"..( 7 & 7)..he further adds..after graduation. .. we can have a baby. ALL OF THESE DECISIONS ARE being made and not truly discussed with me... I have plead with him that my feelings are not being heard! Reply is always but this is for our future.. ANy thoughts?
2007-01-07 05:24:04 · 9 answers · asked by Hear2Help 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
BTW I'm 34 and he's 33.
2007-01-07 06:34:34 · update #1
My first thought is that, these are not conditions in which to be planning a family. You, and your family plans are clearly not this man's priority. I wouldn't even consider having a family with him until he gets his priorities straight. You definitely don't want a family with a husband who is commuting back and forth to California. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. Tell him that he can have his job, or he can have a family with you. And if he chooses the job... you find someone who is more interested in family planning. There aren't kids in the picture to consider at this point. If things fall apart after you have kids... it will be much harder, and there will be much more damage.
Oh, and as far as the guy above who said that men think "I" and "me".... not all men think that way, and you don't want to plan a family one who does. Find one who gets the "we" concept!
2007-01-07 05:33:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nobody can hear your feelings - only your words. While your husband may be well aware of your feelings, he thinks that your future is more important than how you feel right now. Perhaps he is sacrifycing his own feelings for the future, too.
He also may be a budding workaholic, but don't jump to conclusions.
If he is serious about wanting to finish his studies first, ask yourself if you are willing to wait that long before starting a family.
Also ask yourself how you would feel if the baby came right now, and you're still struggling with finances.
Once you have made your decision about what YOU really want for all of you, baby included, then it is time to go to work on your own feelings.
If you really can't wait until he is done studying and working to the point where you BOTH feel that you have enough financial security, tell him so. He can't 'hear' your feelings, only your words.
At this point, you may have the option of finding someone else to have a family with, and he will have the option to consider a different time-line.
Remember: only words can be heard. Feelings must be expressed.
2007-01-07 05:36:57 · answer #2 · answered by flywho 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow, somethings not right here. I'm a firm believer in being supportive in the development of your spouse's career but I also think those important decisions need to be made together as a couple. He sounds like he's made up his mind with or without your consent. This might be a good time for couple's counseling to work this rough patch out.
BTW - If he's doing this for the money, don't move to CA. Hospitals are constantly on strike for fair wages because the cost of living in CA is just too high. We pay more for everything (i.e. food, gas, utilities). Best of luck.
2007-01-07 05:54:59 · answer #3 · answered by CA DIVA 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I am going to lay the cards on the table.I complained and complained to him about he didn't listen to me.Well when I finally decided I had enough OH he listened and read my letter carefully.I am now moving on with my life.I sopose after you have told somone many things within a 25 year period and they didn't want to change and or listen.I put the statement ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS IN PLACE...I am not telling you to leave your husband by any means what I am saying is shock him..He might just listen then (ha-ha)do something out of character like not being home when he gets there be out shopping or something..Oh but call him he might get crazy and want to argue or better yet be jealous ha-ha GOOD LUCK
2007-01-07 05:29:33 · answer #4 · answered by gblue52 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Find a new mate. Or join him in Cali. The cost of living in Cali is ridiculous. I was born here and as soon as my daughter is old enough, and out of school, my wife and I (she was born here too) are leaving Cali. Or at least that is the plan right now. You have a right to be included in the planning of your future.
2007-01-07 05:35:30 · answer #5 · answered by It All Matters.~☺♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Men like to make our own decisions - we don't want to ask our partner what she thinks
it feels like 'asking mommy for permission' and we HATE THAT! For a guy, the best part of being a grown man is NEVER having to ask anybody's permission for anything.
Like most women in a relationship, you're thinking in "we" and "us" terms - while he's thinking in "I" and "me" terms.
That's just how it is - get used to it, because that's how most men think, and most of us do NOT want to change.
Just be thankful that he's going to be making good money as an RN.
2007-01-07 05:29:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you don't want to move out there and be with him then maybe its time to end it all. If he loves you enough he would listen to you, acknowledge your feelings and come up with a solution or game plan that will make both of you happy. You sound so unhappy and lonely. HUGS!!! Good Luck!
2007-01-07 05:32:26 · answer #7 · answered by mysweetluvie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This happen, in thousands of marriages around the world.Of course is a big mistake,because wives never are happy in those marriages.Sometimes men make good decisions in their marriages,but ignoring their wives, is not the best option."Macho" men" have this wrong behaviour in their marriages.And believe it or not,this is one major cause why good marriages end in divorce or cheating.Good question.
2007-01-07 05:40:13 · answer #8 · answered by cobrasnake 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is very selfish and doesn't have any respect for you. You have let him take total control over your marriage. It doesn't sound like you have any say at all. Let him do what he wants. You start making a life for yourself
2007-01-07 05:29:33 · answer #9 · answered by mamabear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋