I am a step parent of 3. The kids come over every few weeks or so to visit with their dad. Something that has been waying on my mind is on Christmas eve, my mom (whom lives with us)was trying to get the kids to go to sleep. She tells the oldest that if she dos'nt go to sleep Santa won't come and put presents under the tree. The oldest looks at her and sais "So what". My mom goes to walk off and the oldest flipps her off!!! I bring this to my husbands attention and he tells me he will ask her about it and that she will tell him the truth. Of course, she tells her dad she did'nt do that. He tells me my mom is seeing things and that his daughter would never do something like that, she, my mom is liying! I understand that parents can be a little blind with some things there kids do but this is going to far! I don't know how to deal with this.....
2007-01-07 05:21:28 · 9 answers · asked by Tami H 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband is probably gun shy with his kids because he sees them so rarely. However, he is not doing them any favors by allowing them to be disrespectful to other people, especially their elders. I would suggest an honest talk with him. He needs to know that it is okay to discipline his children even if they do not live with him. They will respect him more for it. He is playing a dangerous game by not listening to your concerns. I hope this helps and things work out for you. Blended families can be very difficult. Family couseling is also a good thing. I would also suggest getting some books about stepparenting for the both of you to read.
2007-01-07 06:19:38 · answer #1 · answered by peach 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, you really shouldn't muddy the waters by bring your Mom into this. It's your home, right. Handle some of it yourself. If you see the kid misbehaving, you take him/her aside and say, that is unacceptable behavior in my home, and then think of an appropriate punishment. For example in this situation, you should have taken the flipper offer aside and said to her, "I wasn't there, but my mother is not in the habit of lying, and she says you used crude hand language and you were disrespectful. I would like you to give up your TV priveldges for tomorrow and go apologize to my mother." BE SURE and have your husband's support in this, you must be a team, he must support you and you must support him. Don't argue with the kids, don't let it become a fight. The kids are testing you all to see what they can get away with. Have a serious talk with your husband, and good luck!!!!!!! You might have to be the heavy here, but as long as you have his support and he backs you, then it should be OK. Just be sure to be nice and loving and givng as well, so that you have a balanced relationship w/the kids.
2007-01-07 05:38:12 · answer #2 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok...sounds like Dad is trying to be the good guy with his kids because he doesn't see them that often. He doesn't deal with them on a day to day basis so he doesn't know how they are really like. So when he does get them..he doesn't want to rock the boat with his kids and just wants to have a good time. But on the other hand...the kids have to know and understand that you and your mom share this home and they must show the same respect to you both as they show dad. You should hold a family meeting and discuss this. It may get ugly but it needs to be done. Good Luck!!!!
2007-01-07 05:27:35 · answer #3 · answered by mysweetluvie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to be treated with respect in your own home. I disagree that you shouldn't discipline your stepchildren when you need to intervene. My stepson is 19 and lived with us for about 10 years. If I hadn't stepped in to discipline, no one would have. And that would have been a sad thing. Kids need and often are waiting for someone to discipline them.
Dads are often weak and ineffective for the reasons stated here - mostly guilt. I know this from experience not just my situation but in other families I know.
Speak with your husband when you are not angry. Let him know that you love having them there, but that he is truly doing them an injustice by allowing them to rule the household. If they show disrespect for your or your family in your home, how will that be different from how they treat others in public or in school? They are just kids, but they do need parents to guide them with what is right and wrong. Your husband needs to know this.
2007-01-07 05:40:59 · answer #4 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are in the middle between 3 other parties: your husband, your mother and your step kids. That's not an easy place to be, and pleasing everyone is virtually impossible from there.
If you place yourself between your husband and your step children, he will be in a position to choose between loyalty to you and loyalty to them. That puts HIM in an impossible position.
My suggestion would be to let HIM deal with his kids when they come to visit. Keep yourself out of disputes - for your own peace of mind!
You may also have a talk with your mother and share this with her so that she takes a step back from trying to discipline the kids.
Leave it up to HIM to put them to bed. That way he gets their reactions first-hand and can deal with them.
I would treat the kids friendly and gently but firmly. If they rebel or are disrespectful, do not discipline them, nor try to set their schedule. Let him deal with it.
Good luck.
2007-01-07 05:30:26 · answer #5 · answered by flywho 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The problem seems to be between you and your husband. The two of you need to have a serious talk about his kids. If he shows no respect for what you say, that's the problem that needs to be fixed. As the step-parent, you can not discipline his kids. That just won't work. But - he does have to. You've got to make him understand that it is his job to be their father. He likely feels guilty being a part-time dad so is trying to be their friend but that won't work. They won't respect him or you or your rules. He has to step up and be the parent here.
2007-01-07 05:29:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have to try harder. You are the adult. Your husband has to be there for his kids. He doesn't have to be with you. Win them over. You have more to lose. He has to put up with your mom living there, so you put up with his kids.
2007-01-07 06:43:32 · answer #7 · answered by mamabear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married him, and you knew he had kids, and he feels guilty for not being with them, you have to live with it, or you have to dump him and them. Just remember, they are not your kids, or your mothers. And by the way, what the hell is your mother doing living with you and you husband anyway? He is putting up with this situation is he not? Who pays her way? He has to put up with it, you have to put put up with his children. Stop whining.
2007-01-07 05:29:03 · answer #8 · answered by It All Matters.~☺♥ 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Divorce.It may seem extreme but I bet this doesn't work out.
2007-01-07 05:41:50 · answer #9 · answered by georgia p 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋