Serious answers please, fed up and lonely!?

Question

I'm in my first year at University and not enjoying it. Don't know if this is because of the course, the people, the location or what. I'm happy to work hard but not sure I can face years of feeling like this. I am currently struggling in a long-distance relationsip with my boyfriend of two years who I love very much but has told me he is doubting us, which came as a great surprise. I took time out before university to travel and work and loved it, thinking about doing that again til I'm ready for university. I really want a degree but am doing a five-year course and want to be working now. Friends tell me to do what I want to do and what will make me happy, but I don't know what I want to do? I feel cut off and alone, despite being around people constantly. I feel stuck in time, I just want to be in a career now, but want a degree too! I'm considering Open University, but what other advice can you give me? Please help!

Answer 1

It certainly sounds as though relationship worries are blighting your studies. I note that you do not directly complain about the course or your peers per se, which indicates that home sickness and the problems with your boy friend are the root cause of your sadness and restlessness, and this is the issue which you need to address.

Further, you mention that you 'loved' the freedom and independence which you enjoyed during your 'time out' from study. If you are certain that the world of work and income are what you need, then withdraw from your course and do, by all means, continue your studies with the Open University.

Careful thought needs to be given to this move, however. I speak from personal experience as a successful graduate of the OU. I needed to maintain an income at the same time as my studies, so I opted for the part time opportunities offered by distance learning.

Massive amounts of personal motivation are essential to fulfil deadlines for assignments. You must manage your time well, and consider that your social life and relationships will be affected by the need to study. The academic timetable means that you will encounter the toughest parts of courses in the summer when everyone else seems to be relaxing in the warm, light evenings.
Remember, too, that this is after a hard day's work has ended.

Standards are very high, so whatever you choose will be a challenge, arguably moreso than many 'red brick' universities.

All of this fades to nothing on the day when you finally graduate. It's worth every last ounce of effort required. Is this the route which you prefer?

Unfortunately, you need to choose between your relationship plus today's needs or the easiest way to attain your degree. The long, hard road of work and study combined should only be considered when every other aspect has been well thought out. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

Depending on what career you want to be in, a degree may well be necessary. Five years of study sounds like medicine, or one of the sciences... I just finished a six year haul of Japanese study, and I don't really regret it, but I'll admit the first year was pretty slow. Around about this time I was feeling that there was no reason for me to be around that place, no-one needed me there, etc. Think hard before you ditch the course however. It may be that you would genuinely be more happy working right now than you would finishing it, but you might have to accept a different career path from the one you first envisaged.


This is your first year at university, common wisdom suggests that you shouldn't work too hard in the first year because all you need is a pass and the mark you get won't actually add to your final grade. Perhaps you should ease up a little bit? Be easier on yourself, do a bit more socialising. It may not have an adverse effect on your marks, but it could help your state of well-being no end. If you haven't met the right kind of people yet, now could be the time to find get out and find your clique- join a club or something, university is hard work, but without the social aspect it'd be a real drag. Play hard as well... finding a good friend will improve the experience no end.

The long distance relationship sounds like the worst part of this situation to me. Talk with him a lot more, see what the solutions could be... it could be that moving back to where you can see him again will solve the issues, but it might not, and if that's the case, it would be a shame to ditch the degree.

Take a step back, think about the course you are doing- are there any elements to it that are unrewarding? What do you like best? If you decide to leave and then re-integrate at a later date, this can help to guide you... and if you stay on, it will help you to choose modules in the second year. I know it can feel awful studying a subject that doesn't seem to have any relation to what you actually want to learn. Speak to your tutor as well, they may be able to give you some perspective on the course.

The most concrete piece of advice I can offer you is, whatever happens, finish the first year. The credit you earn from study may not count towards the final mark, but it may save you having to start again from scratch if you do leave and then want to re-enter. You're half-way towards the end already, you don't mind the work, see the Summer exams through and then see how you feel. If you still want to walk away at that point, you can do it in the knowledge that the work you've put in won't be wasted.

Answer 3

At my uni - I found that because it had such a good reputation people travelled from a long way away to do a degree there.

That meant that every day - people left as soon as possible for the long commute home! Not very good for the social life.

If your place has a good reputation that might be the case for you - or the age range of the students. Are you overlooking something obvious such as they are all older/younger than you and maybe that's why you feel lonely.


I can appreciate everyone telling you to go with your feelings - but as someone who got their degree after 5 or 6 years of working - it is very difficult to go back to it. You do get good life experience from working but you will always get a better job with a degree. If you are not careful and work in lots of crappy jobs you may end up with a lot of debt when you finally go back and do a four/five year degree especially with student loans (are you in the UK?)

I guess what I'm saying is stick with it for a little while. Christmas and New Year often get people down anyway and before you know it it will be Easter and your first year will be under your belt.

Good luck

Answer 4

You could try doing a course part time while working. I am currently doing this and Love the fact I get best of both worlds. Some work places will even pay for a course for you and give you study leave - this will obviously help with debts etc. (The course normally has to be of benefit to the firm though).

Long term relationships are hard. Maybe your boyfriend is simply feeling the distance is too much. I have been in this situation myself and my partner and I talked everyday, and visited each other as often as we could. The main thing is, is to talk about how you are feeling with each other - don't bottle it up.

As to your course - Have you talked to your uni councellor or personal tutor about how you are feeling. They often are synmpathetic and very helpful. It always takes some time to adjust.

Good luck and I hope you work it out.

Answer 5

Ahh, the ultimate problem with life, the fact that we can't be in two or three or four places at once. Seems like you've got a lot on your mind sweetie, so lets sort through it one at a time.
First I recommend you stay in school, now you have to do what you think is best for you, but here's my rational you'll never have a better time in your life to go to school. I know it can seem like a long road right now, but if you leave and get a career it's definitely not going to be the experience of going now.
Perhaps a change of venue, going to the right school can make all the difference in the world. I know that might seem like a big step, changing schools, but why slog through something that doesn't have to be unpleasant.
Now as for feeling isolated and alone, generally I've found that is more a problem with connection than with actually being around people. Try and find an on school club/activity/group that holds a special interest for you and join it, being around people with similar views or enjoyments is a real funk buster, it gets you trying something new, and gives you a way to reach out to other people.
Finally the boyfriend situation (the most delicate of the three), the problem with college or college age is that it changes people. Just think how much more you know now than when you were in high school; and long distance relationships are a killer especially if your going through a rough patch. I won't give you any advice except to say that relationships on a whole should be an enjoyable experience, now after 2 years you seem to be moving apart in life rather than coming together, perhaps its time to move on. You can love someone with your very soul but sometimes you have to temper love with rational thought.

Answer 6

Not all employers want people with degrees. Some prefer people that they can teach the way they want things to be done.
There is no shame attached to not going to university, maybe your path in life will lead a different way.Try going directly to companies and tell them you are willing to start at the bottom to achieve your goal. Everyone is a winner with hard work and dedication. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Answer 7

You said in your little blurb up top that you travelled before starting Uni and enjoyed that... i'd go back to travel. Also not everyone needs to go to uni to get a career they enjoy.
Long distance relationships are hard.. but if you want it to work, then you've got to work on it. Otherwise i'd say goodbye to your boyfriend.
Good luck with whatever you choose.... there's nothing worse then being stuck doing something that you really dont want to do.

Answer 8

...long distance relationships are hard whatever your situation is...whatever your age....you will miss them...they will you...or at even life just moves on and things change....that is what makes life interesting...it does not sit still for long...but i do know if you are not happy you will not reach the level you have the ability to reach....talk to a member of staff...there must be one you think is OK....they will have heard this before...you are far from the first person to feel this way....look at your options and remember what you decide now may affect the rest of your life...maybe in a positive manner...maybe not....do not give up just because of your man....you are young...chances are you will have a few more partners before you settle down....just put a smile on your face...step into that big and crazy world we live in...AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU...good luck...xxx

Answer 9

THis is a psychological phase that intelligent people go through, sometimes quite difficult to get through. You have to steel yourself and do what you are doing to get the degree. The time will come soon when you will feel wonderful and elated because you have achieved something which you would otherwise not have. Your life will become a lot easier, and you will be fine!
Good luck in all you do!

Answer 10

if you really are that unhappy then dont continue, look into the open university thing then at least you can get a job and get your degree at same time it may mean a lot more hard work, and then you can get your relationship back on track. good luck for the future