How can I help my husband who is still grieving?

Question

over the death of our son. We lost our only child 2 years ago when he was 2 years old. Obviously it was heart-wrenching and traumatic. I recently became pregnant even though I was on birth control. I am now three months pregnant and my husband says he is not ready for this, doesn't want to replace our son, doesn't want a baby now, etc. He has even started grief counseling again. So, any ideas on how I can help him through this? And should I be feeling guilty that I'm happy to be pregnant again? This should be a happy time but it's only causing tension in an otherwise great marriage.

Our son died when a babysitter left him alone in the tub for a second and he drowned. It was a tragic accident and not a medical condition, but my husband kind of blames himself because he says he had a bad feeling about going out that night but ignored it because he thought he was being paranoid about nothing. I don't think he feels like he deserves to have another child.

Answer 1

First of all I want to sorry for the loss of your son.

Your husband's grieving is normal and you should let him grieve. You are probably grieving too, but in a different way than he is. It will take some time for him to move on in life, you will have to be patient and you just need to be there for him.

It is a blessing that you have become pregnant even while being on birth control. That is happy news for you and your husband. Although, your husband is not taking the news that well and him saying that he is not ready for another child, could be that he is still grieving. You need to let him know that having another baby is not replacing your son, and never will, the baby will be another addition to the family. (smile)

You just need to be there for him. Let him know that you support him. Talk about all the good things you two have done with your 2 year old son and how happy he was then. It is good to talk about your son, that's how healing starts. Never forget those memories you two had with him. He will always be there in your hearts, always. With the two years watching him grow up should have been the happiest moments of your lives. Thank God that you spent those two years with him while he was still alive! Think about how great parents you two were while spending time with him. You can't forget him, he will always be there.

No, you shouldn't feel guilty for being happy from your pregnancy again. Guilt is only something you did wrong. You have done nothing wrong with becoming pregnant, I believe that it happened for a reason. It was a blessing!

Just be there for your husband, give him hugs, kisses...don't change anything different in the way you treat him. Plus, let him know how you feel too, because you could use the comfort as well. You both need eachother at a time like this, especially now that you are prenant again.

I hope this helps you. (smile)

Answer 2

I don't think what your husband is feeling is out of the ordinary. I had a friend who was pregnant and lost the baby, and then got pregnant again like 2 months later, and was still so upset over the miscarriage that she aborted the second pregnancy. She just didn't feel that she could bond enough with the fetus to want to be it's mother.
I would suggest joining him in grief counseling and try to explain that you could NEVER replace your son.
You should NOT be feeling guilty that you are pregnant again. If it happened while you were on birth control then it is obviously meant to be. Your husband will likely come around and realize that this child is not a replacement, and that just because he had his special little buddy and lost him, that loving another child will not be betraying his son. That your son would be just as excited about being a big brother. That this child may be a GIRL, who will be a whole new ball of wax!
Good luck mom! My prayers are with you.

Answer 3

The loss of a child is so difficult. My 21 yr old son died 4 years ago and the loss is huge.
Grief doesn't know a timetable.
Grief is often irrational.
I believe in his heart your husband knows this baby isn't a replacement for the lost child.
Please don't feel quilty for being pregnant. Both you and husband have to deal with your own grief. It can be very lonely.
I am not sure that you can help him through this- he has to do this on his own.
Some times the best thing to say is....'I don't know what to say"
If you try to rationalize with him, he will just put up his guard.

It is wise that he went back to grief counseling. I don't think anyone gets over the death of a child......they just learn to live with the loss.

I pray that time will heal some painful wounds and that the new baby will bring new hope and joy to your lives.

Answer 4

What you should do is talk to your husband about the death of your son and the new baby. You should tell him that this new baby will never take the place of your son, because you'll always feel a special love for your first born but this new baby still deserves a chance! If you guys could make it through the death of your baby, you can make it through anything.. and he needs to realize this. You need him to be emotionally there for you during this time, and though you miss your son.. it should be time to move on. You cannot be stuck in the grieving stage forever, it's hard to get over I cannot even begin to understand.

Have a heart to heart with your husband, make sure he feels very loved, and tell him how much you need him. You shouldn't feel guilty about being happy.. you've every right to be happy! You two should rejoice in this happy news! Your baby boy is getting a new little brother or sister. I'm sure he wouldn't want daddy to neglect mommy or his new sibling by living in the past.

God Bless.

Answer 5

First off I am sorry for your loss. Keep him in counseling, it may take a while for him to come around. Try to convince him that you are not replacing your son you are bringing a new life into the world and even though you will have a new baby nothing will replace your sons memories and he will continue to be part of you everyday. Just give him all the time he needs so he's comfortable with everything. Let him be ready when he's ready. It could take just a couple of weeks, maybe when you get an ultra sound he will get into it. Or it could take a few months. Just be patient and don't pressure him and he will come around.

Answer 6

wow I'm so sorry to hear this... that has to be hard on you both big hugs ..... its hard to know what to say to you about this cause no one really has the right answer ...sorry to hear your husband is blames himself for this that makes this that much more hard ... girl all you can do is talk to him and be there for him when he needs you for anything ..be there ...just to talk to or a hug can say many things with out saying anything at all or even just to sit and be with him so he knows you are there for him and he is not alone ..... as for the new baby you should not feel guilty about that EVER a new baby is a gift not a problem you need to talk with your husband and let him know the new baby is NEVER going to take the place of your other son ever .. your husband is afraid and he is telling you he is not ready for this cause maybe he is afraid of the same thing happening again ... it will take a long time to move on and you both are still grieving you can never really get over the death of a child i don't think .. you and your husband have to keep supporting each other and know you have your memories of your son and he is always with you always............
i wish you and your husband the best !!!!

Answer 7

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It must have been and still be quite painful.

But at the same time, You shouldn't feel guilty about your pregnancy. Congratulations! It may fee awkward, but now is the time to go on with life. Whether he wants to admit it or not, this baby will be here in 6 months, so the sooner one of you accepts it, the better it will be.

I'm glad to hear that he is going to grief counseling again, but at the same time, it seems somewhat unusual that he would be re-grieving the same loss. Perhaps his real worry is that you are trying to replace the lost son. That, of course, could never happen. You could try to reassure him that his is a NEW life, and that you guys can begin your lives over again at the same time.

Answer 8

It sounds as if your pregnancy has opened up an old wound. You must be in a different place in the grieving process. It's great that your husband is seeking counseling, so few of us admit that we need help. Just be patient. As your pregnancy continues, he'll get used to the idea. Hopefully, his grief counselor will help him to understand that this is not replacing your son. He may be afraid on some level of losing another child. Does he perhaps feel responsible? Sometimes we blame ourselves when a child is involved, even if it isn't our fault.

When he sees and holds your child, he'll melt. My grandmother used to say that God sends love with the baby.

I'm quite impressed that your marriage has survived and that it is a strong one. If you were able to survive your loss, you will be able to survive this. Be patient and understanding and give him his space. Don't get impatient that he's having more trouble with this than you. You have the advantage of having your body filled with hormones that help make you feel maternal, or broody as some say.

My condolences and Congratulations. This will help to heal both your hearts.

Answer 9

Bless your heart!

Yes, you have a right to be happy. Just because your pregnant doesnt mean you don' t love your first child and that you will forget him or that you are trying to replace him.
Try explaining this to your husband. He sounds like a good man knowing that he needed the counseling and went back on his own..
Just be there for him and reassure him that you love your first child and you will love your second child. You choose to celebrate birth and the miracle of life.

I don't know the issues of your first childrs death...If there were medical reasons is there any way to help him (your hubby) feel more at ease with this pregnancy/baby?

Congrats!

Best wishes

Answer 10

How selfish. He grieves over his own son, yet he lives his life under the premise that death is necessary for a good life. You should tell him to get out of the Air Force.

It really doesn't matter what university he went to or how skilled he is at flying. People can be fairly successful, still keeping that core belief that the military is worthwhile.

Well, it's not.

As you can see, he is grieving. Now imagine the grief that he produces for other people.

No, you shouldn't feel guilty about being happy to be pregnant. Guilt is a useless emotion.

Do yourself a favour and check out this lady's method of dealing with any sort of tension in life: thework.com

Peace.