Why do marriages go stale?

Question

married for 4 years, with a 1 year old and an 8 year old (previous marriage). Today I got so pissed off because I was off of work and instead of arraging to spend quality time with me, he told me that he's planning a big day with his friend tomorrow, while I'm at work...He wants to take the kids to his mom's and have lots of fun with his buddy. Meanwhile we havent gone out or done anything fun in over 6 months, he acts like he doesnt need to treat me special anymore. Every weekend we might go out to the store, or grab a bite to eat, but then he hits the couch, naps for a few hours, plays his XBOX for hours and then waits for me to cook dinner. I feel unromanced, taken for granted and constanly surrounded by children! Then when I finally tell him how I feel he gets all defensive and makes me feel sorry for him that what I said made him feel like crap. How do I make him understand that he could possibly lose me if he keeps ignoring my needs? It makes me feel that he doesnt even love me.

Answer 1

A wise woman once told me that men are like waffles while women are like spaghetti. Men concentrate on one thing at a time much like the compartments of a waffle, while women are all over the plate, multi tasking like spaghetti. I've been married for 12 years and been with my husband for 16 &1/2. There have been several times when our lives have been very similar to yours. Two kids...work full time and not enough romance. Don't blame your husband. The fact is that your husband might be the type of person who needs to be reminded of what you need in your relationship. Don't over stimulate either. Focus on the one thing you want the most and tell him. It's easy to blame him for being lazy or non-responsive when you're encouraging the behavior by doing everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. If you want dinner ready when you come home, focus on that. "Honey I need you to cook dinner tonight" that's it! Don't give him a list that's an arms length long, you'll never get him to do any of it because you've chosen to play the role of his mother by doing everything rather than his equal. As far as sitting on the couch watching TV or playing Xbox, don't fret about that either. Both those things are mindless activities people do to unwind and blow off steam. It's nothing personal against you, it's just after a long day, those activities don't require him to think or interact much. Find something you like to do to unwind after work and then when you're in a calm state of mind suggest the two of you take in a movie or dinner sans kids this weekend. Like most people, I agree that leaving the lines of communication open is the best thing you can do for your relationship. But you should focus on one topic at a time.

Answer 2

As I see it you have two options:

1) You could try and repair the marriage
2) You could divorce him

Assuming option 2 is out of the question (for now), then there is an arsenal of things you could do to fix the marriage. You could do some of the things he's done to you: take the kids out and have a fun day with them WITHOUT your husband, let HIM cook the meals while you relax, and so on. You could also go gradually and make it clear that he should start pulling some weight around the house, be it cooking or cleaning or spending more quality time with you.

Ultimately, though, it'll come down to a discussion and maybe even a fight. Do your absolute best to not allow contempt to enter the conversation on any side, otherwise it'll be fruitless. Remind him of why you two originally got married, make him think about everything he's done, and also propose some solution you both can work towards. Be firm, but not aggressive.

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going very well, and wish I could offer more advice. Get counseling if it helps, divorce if it's the last resort.

Answer 3

Marriage is something two people have to work at first and foremost. The lines of communication is a must. If you have tried talking to him and it didn't work maybe it was the way you said it. You should never try and talk to someone when your angry. Try a different approach. If that don't work maybe you should try and change the way you go about it. Are you still doing the things you did to get him like dressing your best looking sexy maybe. Or something totally different. Like taking the kids to moms and preparing a romantic dinner for the two of you. Dressing sexy and greating your man at the door with a kiss. Make sure that your not saying and doing things yourself that may make him want to spend time with the guys try making it worth his while to stay home with you. Sometime we tend to start to take one for granted ex specially after we get papers on one another. So try doing some of those things you did when you where trying to win this guy over. Never do what your not intending on doing once you have got what you want. Again marriage is alot of work and you can never stop doing those little special things you used to do. If you love him you will do what ever it take to get him back interested in you. Good Luck and don't stop fighting for your man

Answer 4

I think men's idea of happiness is that they get in a relationship where they don't have to constantly rewin the love of their life over and over again. What you've described is their idea of heaven. A relationship so stable and one they're so happy with that they don't need to worry that you're going to leave every second. If he always has to worry that he isn't perfect or romantic enough, he becomes miserable and starts looking for ways out.

There's a danger of finding someone new, who is of course romantic because he wants to "win" you. But, he's going to stop after a while too.

After watching my mom beat herself up year after year after year over this same crap, I decided the secret to a happy life was to either never get married or accept that men are not going to romance you after they are satisfied that you two are a committed couple. If you don't expect it, then any act that your husband makes will seem like pleasant surprise.

However, you can find a compromise. Maybe a date night? One night a week when someone else watches the kids and you go out for at least a couple of hours on your own. It may not be as romantic as a surprise candlelight, roses and beach dinner that your husband might have recognized you with before, but it's a way to keep the home fires burning.

Remember, the loss of romance sucks, but the compensation is a long standing relationship built on trust, familiarity, and a shared history. You can't get any of that from the initial fireworks of a romantic fling.

Answer 5

Dear Kelly's husband or should I say a 10% mate. If you don't love your wife, then let her go to begin a new life with another who will make her feels special and loved 24/7. Ignoring her emotions is like cheating on her. A family requires visible affection for each other constantly and in front of your children. Man based on what she has expressed, You will be single very soon. Don't fault her or be defensive. You have your truth and she has hers. You must deal with her truth. She gave you 2 beautiful kids and you pay her back by taking your marriage for granted.
Loving words wont cut it bud. She needs some action both emotionally and physically. Reach out to her and hold her hand when you both walk. Make her look pretty for you by taking her to some very nice spot (often). Hug her and kiss her and a pinch now and then on her butt to express how much you really love her. Your pain will be terrible when she leaves you. Bud you don't deserve this voluptuous lady. So surprise her by actions and not just words.

Been there and done that.

Answer 6

I know exactly how you feel. At least you go to the store and out to dinner or lunch. I don't even get that. I get to work two jobs, take care of a house, 5 month old and two dogs. And my husband takes naps too because *he* is tired.

I feel so not romanced myself. We haven't made love in over a year! I'm sorry I don't have advise for you. I just wanted to tell you that you are not the only one. All men SUCK!


OH, and don't listen to Sax M up there. Right away it is all about the weight. Well, here is a shock for some of you men. As you age, you don't exactly get more attractive either! Why should weight matter. Proves my point again, men are superficial loosers!!!!!!

Answer 7

First of all, if my husband took my kids (including the one from a previous marriage) to his moms and gave me an afternoon off, I think I'd kiss his feet. I'm not kidding.

You have a 1 year old. That is a hard age and it's going to be getting harder before it gets easier--remember. Let him give you the afternoon off--that's really nice.

However, you are going to have to plan the first couple of dates. You. YOU get the sitter. YOU find the place to eat. YOU do it. Then, when you go out with him alone, then you AND he have to plan outings. And talk to him about the X-Box thing too.

Romance will have to be planned; you're going to have an 18mo in no time, so spontaneity will have to wait a couple of years.

I don't blame you at all for feeling like you do. I had 3 under 4 yo.

Planning is the answer. It's not the one you wanted but that's what you have to do.

((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))

Answer 8

Sounds like you need to freshen it up. It went stale because you let it. You have to be more interesting than his friends. When you met him, bet you fixed up more, made meals and evening more fun and exciting. You need to do the same thing again. If that does not work, when he takes the kids to his moms, you tell him that is good because your going out with your friends too. Then go out with your friends, be sure you get home after he does, come in smiling laughing and tell him what a good time you had and that you have plans to do the same thing the next night, ask if he can watch the kids. Get dressed up and leave, tell him, he will have to fix something for him and the kids to eat. Do this a few times, when he sees how much fun your having, bet he decides that his friends are not much fun and will want to separate you from yours too.

Answer 9

Try telling him how you really feel and how you feel the marriage is lacking not during the time your having a fight when your calm and cool . Just sit him down and say we need to have a heart to heart talk. And don't be defensive there are probably things he wishes you to do to him also. and by all means ask him what his needs are this is a joint effort. let him know that you want some me time with him how often and when depends on you two. But don't go in there saying you don't do this or do that. And he sh ouldn't make you feel like your all wrong and him pouting and making you look like the bad guy so you forgive him. thats a whimp approuch.

Answer 10

I haven't gone out in longer than that. It's not all about you it's about the other person and the faster you learn that the better your relationship will be. If he isn't doing his part well don't do his part. do your part. I am NEVER romanced. My needs go ignored constantly. Instead of thinking about that which would make me insane depressed I focus on the fact I can actually go to walmart and buy groceries. I guess we don't reaize what we got until it's gone. I don't know what it's like to me married again so I don't know how that dynamic works however I have been married for 14 years and sometimes it flourishes and sometimes it runs on the fumes of committment.