He wants a child, but not ready for marriage...maybe we are not meant to b together?

Question

I am 27 years old and my boyfriend is 36 (today is actually his bday :) ) anyway, He is ready for children, but not ready for marriage. He feels he needs to wait longer before marrying me...which i agree. We've been dating for 4 months now. My concern is his thinking...why would he want a child first (feels ready for a child now) then marriage??? strange to me. I believe having a child is a much larger commitment, esp since with marriage you can have a divorce and you're out of the person's life. With a child you are stuck with dealing with that person til' death do you part, really. He has been divorced for over 5 yrs but still has fears of marriage due to the failed previous marriage; he became miserable with his ex-wife. maybe he needs more time to sort out those issues b/4 being with someone else and carrying this baggage from his previous marriage. Is he ready for another committed relationship?? if i stay how do I deal?? am i jumpin tha gun?? mature responses pls

Answer 1

GOOD GIRL! You are thinking through the situation, when it appears your boyfriend is not. Children are a lifetime commitment, even if a marriage is not. In a world where, sadly, marriage before children is on the wane, you have the common sense and foresight to realize that a child is a major commitment. You may want to take advantage of couples counseling, which is available for singles. Find out what your separate and shared goals are. Discuss your reservations about being a single parent; because if you're not married, even if the relationship is good, YOU are still the single parent in the situation. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

Considering he was married once, I can kind of understand where he is coming from. But 5 years ago? I think he should have gotten over it by now. If you don't want children until after you are married I think you should let him know. In my own opinion, I think marriage should be the first commitment then you could both start thinking about children. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. He needs to get his past marriage issues out of the way before his relationship with you can go to the next level. If he's not ready for marriage, chances are he's not ready to be a father either...

Answer 3

Its called being selfish. Some guys fail to look at it rationally as you have. They want a child but arent ready for the commitment of marriage. He obviously isnt thinking it through. You are completely right. Having a baby is a larger commitment. Many people consider giving up bachelorhood to be a larger one though. Those are the guys I worry about. He is thinking, well if it doesnt work out i can still walk away but I will still have my kid. Makes no sense.


Its pretty rare a guy to go ahead and marry you if he already has what he wants from you, a kid. Im not saying it doesnt happen. My boyfriend did marry me after our 2nd together but honestly its because we became members of the church and it was expected and all. Without that, it never would have happened.

Answer 4

Your boyfriend is operating azz-backwards. #1. Having a child is a lifelong commitment. One that is easier when that child has parents who are committed to EACH OTHER. His thoughts that he isn't ready for marriage but is gun-ho for a child should tell you to LEAVE.

What he is asking you to do (bring forth a child into the world) is a major thing. And if he cannot reciprocate by at least being READY to make a lifelong committment..why even waste your time?

Wait until you find a guy who wants to spend his life with YOU. Then think about children.

By the way: 4 months is too soon for any couple to be discussing having a child together. You might realize this guy is a pure creep. Be safe and Be Smart!

Answer 5

Hi, I'm in the ezact same situation except vice versa, i want to have kids without getting married while my b-friend wants to get married first then kids. I guess from my point of view, i feel like were already married so to speak, wev'e been together for 5 years so i don't see the point of getting married because it's just a piece of paper really because were already committed to one another by staying together.
But if I'm really honest, marraige kinda scares me, I think I would feel trapped and well trapped i guess, I know that sounds silly but I've seen my parents divorce ect.. so I guess I've been turned off the idea of marraige. Maybe thats how your partner feels, dirvorce is hard, and can be real messy especially the assetts ect.. and the cost of getting dirvorced compared to just living together.
In the end though If you really love one another why do you have to get married to prove it. A child is just the next step!

Answer 6

This is a scary situation which I think is strange too. I would say he is probably thinking he needs a baby because he feels his time is running out and he has had his fun. I can't say that is exactly what he is feeling but that is the impression I got. He is 36 and by the time your baby graduates he would then be around 55 yrs old. My advice to you is get to know him better and maybe some counseling will help you both through. I wish you luck and don't get pressured into something you are uncomfortable with.

Answer 7

I agree with everything you said. He is ready for a commited relationship since he is thinking babies already, he just doesnt realize thats what it means. ( men, you know?) Having a planned baby without being married is defenitely jumping the gun. If you both believe in marriage then you understand why it is important to have a commitment soley to each other instead of having a commitment to each other due to a child.

Answer 8

Well, it's quite possible that he wants to have a child, but not necessarily a relationship. This is a selfish outlook, but some people ARE selfish. He may be thinking of the benefits that he may be getting from having a child (passing on the genes, investing in one's future, maybe he just likes kids and thinks it would be fun) - but he's obviously not thinking about what's good for the child. I agree with you, a child needs a steady home, and to have both mom and dad by his/her side. Four months of dating is not enough to figure out whether or not he's the man for you... If you like him, take it slowly, and the future will tell if this relationship is going anywhere. However, I personally would beware of people who can't lay their past to peace, and let past mistakes guide their future.

Answer 9

Don't have a child with him. First of all, you've only been together 4 months. That's not long enough to decide if he's the man to father your child. Second, he doesn't want to commit to you! Just what does he think having a child with you is going to do? No... Do it with someone who loves you, and wants to share his life with you, and wants to share the experience of raising a child WITH you. You're not just a walking incubator. Don't let him use you as such.

Answer 10

no no no no
dont do it girl
men can have a child at any age. trust me 4 months is not long enough. my husband pulled the same sh** and stupid me i went along w/it. he got a son, we did get married, im on my way out the door. as soon as i got pregnant it was his way or the highway so everytime i got ready to leave he would make threats etc. all of a sudden he wanted to get married right away-- no wedding just the courthouse. and he wanted to keep it a secret. so im pregnant married and cant tell anybody.
i really truly think its a control thing. he probably thinks once you get pregnant you will have to marry him and it will be way harder for you to leave.
good luck