I'm 31 yrs. old and my wife is not affectionate and wants nothing to do with sex. What should I do?

Question

I hate to admit it but I've thought about divorce. We have a beautiful 18 month old daughter that I could never be without. I constantly show affection. I can't even tell you the last time my wife walked in and asked me how my day was. I can't even get a little kiss. She wants nothing to do with oral (giving or receiving) We've been marred 5 years and I can't even remember the last time we had sex. We go months in between sessions. When we were trying to have a baby she told me we weren't just having sex because of that but because she really wanted to be with me. I have my doubts about that now. I've known her for 15 years. She's my high school sweetheart! I feel like we're just roomates now. I question sometimes whether or not we still love one another??? I could be more spontaneous or try to be more romantic but I've always showed affection but get nothing in return. I don't know what to do. We've talked about this several times over the years. It's getting old. Feeling hopeless!

Answer 1

I had the same problem except I'm a male. It just cost me my marriage to my beautiful high school sweetheart of 15 years. My lack of affection caused her to have an affair. Why was I like your wife? I realized that we are how we where raised. I received NO
unconditional love no hugs no kisses and my parents never told me they loved me. My wife was flooded with love from her parents. She was starved of love from me like you are of your wife. Looking back I wonder how she hung on so long. She can find her inner love, first she has to love herself then she can love you. Ask her how her parents raised her if she got a lot of love for being her when she was bad and good. Therapy will bring this out also. This might not be the problem but it was for me.good luck

Answer 2

As people age their sex drives change. Men peak in their late teens, while women have peak desire in their mid-30's. Has it always been this way or was there a time when you had a healthy sex life? Has he always been shy do display affection in public? If he's been this way since you've known him I'm afraid there's not much you can do, you should have known that going in and either communicated with him to try and work together to change it or simply accept it if you really wanted to be with him. If he's suddenly or gradually changed from when you met him that's a little different. Communicate with your husband, maybe see if you could both attend marriage counseling together. Also there's plenty of information online about spicing up the bedroom activities. See if some new lingerie or toys could pique his interest. Either way it's a serious problem, one that will only get worse if you don't take any action. Don't be complacent, see if you can turn this thing around before it's too late.

Answer 3

This is so totally common, not with everyone, but with most couples after a child comes into the picture. If you can just bear with me for a minute here....OK, here we are, just you and me. We had all this time together, alone, by ourselves to enjoy each others company. We wake up together, do it, eat breakfast, do it again, go get ready for work and do it while were getting ready to go!! Come home and, ah what the hell, do it some more! We have all this time to dedicate to each other and that's all we know! And then, all of a sudden, (I hear chellos...) no, it's not a huge mechanical shark, it's a baby. This beautiful little baby! We made it! I mean, actually made it together! This is like a miracle?!? I mean, all we did was do it and this little creature was made by just doing it??!? It's amazing! As a woman, we look at this baby as our total and utmost priority and responsiblity. This takes presidence over anything and all. Oh yes, my hopeless one, even over you.....It's part of our genetic make-up! Look at all mothers in the wilderness!?! They give up their lives for their young! And where are the fathers???? Well, they're out there somewhere, but the mothers are left raising the babies. We are predispositioned to act this way, and when the babies are all grown up and leave the nest, then, if there is anything left to resurrect, you basicly pick up where you left off. As the baby gets older, you'll have more and more little flash backs of your past that you and her USE to be like, and they will happen more and more frequently. But that happens WITH TIME. And LOTS OF IT!!! I promise you, if you tough this out, IT WILL PASS!!!!! Your baby is only a year and a half old! She is still new! Just try as best as you can to love your wife. Just love her! Lay with her with out trying to have it lead into anything sexual. Tell her she's pretty....not after she gets ready to go somewhere, I'm talking Saturday afternoon pretty!! Buy her some shampoo, like the good kind with the matching conditioner. All these little things speak volumes about what you really feel about her.....And it is more then just sexual. Because if that is all that it was, you'd have left a long time ago.

Just one more thing...please don't take offence when she doesn't kiss you. She is just scared that if she does that it is going to make you want more then just a nice kiss. Just go up to her and kiss her on the top of the head a few times and walk away. Or as your walking by, tussle her hair. Quick little things....they really mean more then you will even know......

Answer 4

This seems to happen often after women have babies. They become overwhelmed at the fact that raising children is far more difficult than they ever imagined and are just too tired for sex. It feels like just another job they have to do. Make sure she is getting enough time for herself. Time where she gets to do little things for herself. If she is not getting this time for herself she could be feeling some resentment toward you and could be blaming you (maybe not out loud, but in her mind) and thinking that you could be doing more to help out with the baby or around the house. I don't know for a fact that this is how she is feeling but I know what was going through my mind when we had our daughter and my boyfriend went without sex for long periods of time (poor guy) These feelings eventually went away and things are back to normal. Don't get a divorce, find out what she is really thinking and do what you can to help her through this.

Answer 5

I feel for you. I would try counseling. Having a baby can definetly affect some women's sex drive. It sounds like this problem occurred before the baby from reading your question. It's probably not you. It could be depression or she might have some emotional issues. If its depression, it will be difficult because a sympton of depression is not wanting to do anything to make yourself better. I would suggest counseling. Life is too short to leave not to give and receive love. Plus, its not good for your child to grow up in a home where love is not given. I'm thinking a therapist will be more likely to get your wife to open up and look at what's going on. Be choosy when picking a therapist.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Warning: BABIES MAKE MOTHERS FEEL LIKE ASEXUAL BREEDING PENS!!! She probably does love you, but kids can be a handful. When is the last time YOU called the babysitter, and set up a date, just the two of you? She may feel like she is doing everything, and that breeds resentment. I don't know if she's a stay at home mom, but I've been there, and that's tough. You wear dowdy cotton clothes that your child can't destroy, your job is often overlooked at the end of the day...you don't get a moment to yourself...After a while, you just want to run screaming! I know you work outside the home, but look at her perspective as well. Our sex drive plummets for a while after a child, and most women need atmosphere, seduction and romance to "kick-start the engine", so to speak. Get counseling if you have to, but try a little tenderness first. Change the baby. Wash the dishes. Fold clothes and put them up. Trust me, the average woman is ready to RAPE a man when they see that! Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

from personal experience ,i have two boys and one girl .
when i had the boys i wanted all the time and then a girl came ,i could care less ,i loved him very much ,but i knew every time i just wanted a kiss,or a hug he wanted more .this could be the reason ,if you don't do something about this matter and tell her how you feel you guys are not going to make it ,everybody says sex its not the most important thing in a marriage ,are the same people who are divorced now ,get outside help or someone else its going to start looking real good to you ,even just for sex ,if you still love your wife ,do something quick before you regret it.

Answer 8

Your question talks about you. Have you thought about it from your wife's side. Does she work outside the home? An 18 month old is a big challenge. Does your wife ever get time for herself? Do you ever offer to watch the baby for her to have time for herself? Marriage is not based on sex alone. Try building a new friendship with your wife. You loved her enough to marry her, why not invest some quality time letting her know that you still love her. Divorce is an easy way out and will forever change your relationship with your child. Marriage is not easy, it requires constant work.

Answer 9

Yeah well I am living like that too--felt like roommates for quite awhile, but thank goodness we don't want kids. We love each other very much, but that drive changes. Maybe make a planned romantic evening. Maybe spontaneity is not for you two right now, so plan it all out or go someone for a couple of days alone. The spark may return then.

Answer 10

There are some things that seem to be left out like who does most of the housework, caring for your child, and does she work?

After having a child, you have to remember that now it is time to care for that child as well as do everything else like clean the house, which can be tiresome, cook, do the grocery shopping, laundry, and all the other day to day chores, throw in a full time job too and then it worse. If you both work, then it is usually like holding two full time jobs. Perhaps give her a day off, you do the cooking, care for the child, clean, ect. Let her have a day at the salon, spa, or to do anything else she likes to do to relax. See if things change after that.