Should I divorce my husband?

Question

I and my husband have a 21 months old son together. He has a 5 years old daughter from his previous marriage and live thousands mils away from him. He visits his daughter 2-3 times a year and calls his daughter every week. Every visit costs averagely $1200. For the past few years he averagely paid his ex $1200 alimony per month plus child support and averagely $4000 per year of attorney fee because of all kinds of issues of his daughter, but he is not a guy making big money. By ignoring the financial burden he insists all the visits and keeps telling me he is just taking minimum resonsibility for his daughter. As for my 21 months son I can count the limited times of his feeding and diapering the baby. For this past Christams, he told me I was spoiling my son simply because I wanted to spend $80 on baby's Christmas and bithday gift, but for his daughter he felt very bad because the gift for her was dealyed. He did very bad thing to me because of his daughter. Should I divorce him?

Answer 1

For a man that you say doesn't make good money he sure has to pay allot for child/alimony a month--that's no big deal that's between the courts and himself--as far as the 80.00 on Christmas for your son--I would have reminded him of how much he spend yearly on his daughter--and that when you spend MORE than --say what 12,000 then he can complain--oh and the say 1,600 for the trip cost too --then he can complain--tell him to do the math--I mean really--But divorce?? On what grounds?? You never said what he did that was so bad to call for a divorce--

Answer 2

Not for that reason alone you shouldn't. You knew he had this daughter before you married him. For some unknown reason people ignore addressing any issues before marriage, they think they can change that portion of the person upon marriage.
What your husband is doing with his daughter is something he believes he has to do because he is not around her all the time. He probably feels guilty for this. Where he is around his boy. He might not help out a lot, most men don't, but he does come home to you and his son.
Perhaps the real issue you need to address is him being taken advantage of by his ex. His childsupport payments should be based upon his income taking in the fact that he has a family at home as well. The attorney fees are not that expensive and it is something he is going to have to pay. His alimony along with child support are also somethign he is going to have to pay as well. This has ben going on for a long time and $1,200 is not that much to pay for both. If it is more than you two can afford then I suggest you seek child support or get a new court order from a judge (have it readjusted).
What I am not understanding is why you would want to divorce him over that now? Seems like there is another issue under it. Based only what you said, you sound jealous, angry and honestly selfish.
If the real issue is him not helping out with his son, paying that much in childsupport and alimony while very little is spent on the child you share together, then you should address this with him and do so in a manner that will not put him on the defensive side.

Answer 3

I think you should be open and honest with your husband about your feelings and give him a chance to see exactly how much he is hurting you. Don't attack him or let him feel like you are, because he will immediately get on the defense, and than you wont accomplish anything with this talk. Blended families are tough enough , I know first hand. Go to him with a loving heart, and again realize that he probably feels a lot of guilt by not seeing his daughter more, and I know that I always felt bad because my son had to grow up with divorced parents and it was hard on me, so I am sure it hurts him too. He may even feel caught in the middle. If this doesn't work try counseling, because trust me your marriage should mean enough to you to give it your best shot. I know that you get frustrated and hurt too, but you and your husband need to work through this, and it will make your marriage stronger in the end. Good Luck! louise

Answer 4

If you don't feel you can handle his committment to being there for his daughter as much as he sees appropriate - then yes, you should divorce him. His daughter was there before you guys were married, you had an ample opportunity to evaluate whether or not you would be able to deal with the fact that she is a part of his life in many ways (emotional, financial, etc). If at the time of your marriage you agreed on a certain way things were to be handled, and now one of you wants to drastically change the rules, this has to be addressed and worked out. Perhaps some counseling could help? Good luck.

Answer 5

I wouldn't jump the gun to say divorce just yet, set him down and talk with him, tell him you understand he has a daughter and that he loves her, but she is far away and you can't help that, but you have a son together and he is missing out on things with him, tell him you don't want this to be a problem and you want to solve this, but money is a issue as well as what this does to you and your child, if he refuses to meet you half way and try and do things differently then by all means I would think of divorce as my last option.

Answer 6

No, I don't think you should divorce your husband just because you're jealous that he has a child by another woman. Did he tell you about the child before you were married? Did he fail to tell you about his ex-wife and child while you were dating?

I think you need to be an adult and live up to your commitment to your husband and son (don't be the reason another child is denied a father). Marriage is about compromise. It's not about running out because things get a little tricky.

If this is your attitude, I'd hate to think what life will be like if you hit real money troubles.

Answer 7

Your husband had his daughter first. You knew he had this child before you married him, I assume. How could you expect him to just forget about one child and "start fresh" with you. I have heard this countless times from others. My message: be aware of what you are taking on with a blended family! You cannot possible expect your husband to turn his back on his first family, legally or otherwise. You needed to open you eyes to all the facts before that poor innocent son of yours was brought into this world. He did not do a very bad thing to you because of his daughter, you did a very stupid thing by starting another family with a man who already had one, and expecting him to abandon his responsibilities. There are plenty of men without "baggage" to choose from in this world. Now you are threatening to ruin your sons life with divorce, instead of working with the situation you got yourself into. Shame on you!

Answer 8

IF YOU 2 CAN'T WORK THROUGH THIS ISSUE WHY STAY TOGETHER. BUT AT LEAST TRY TO COME TO SOME AGREEMENT BEFORE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL. LET HIM KNOW WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND AND SEE WHAT YOU 2 CAN COME UP WITH AS A COUPLE. HE FEELS BAD ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF THE SITUATION. JUST TALK AND DON'T GIVE UP UNTIL YOU KNOW THERE IS NO HELP FROM HIS END. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE

Answer 9

From what I read you are essentially saying that he spends way more money on his older daughter and is frugal with your baby.There is obviously more going on then youve described I think that he provides more for his oldest because he feels guilty she is so far away but I dont know why hed neglect your baby

Answer 10

I understand that he wants to see his daughter who is thousands of miles away, but he should be giving equal attention to his son as well, and he should also keep your family budget in mind. I would say talk to him and work it out first before leaving, but you said he did a "very bad thing" to you because of his daughter? I don't know exactely what happened, but that sounds to me like your're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out NOW!!