My bf(cant face calling him my ex yet as it hasn`t been 100% confirmed) is about to leave me,in fact he already has,i haven`t seen him since thursday,he was supposed to come over earlier but didn`t appear.Anyway he done this just 5 months ago and our 4 year old son took it really hard,he has learning difficulties and cant speak and didn`t really understand what was going except his daddy wasn`t around anymore.
He was away for about 7 weeks and only saw our son twice.When he left my son would be in a real state and start being aggressive and at one point screamed if he knew he was coming home,i think he obviously sensed something wasn`t quite right at home and couldn`t ask.I tried speaking to him but he just didn`t understand and this made me so down and he`d then see me crying and get upset.I don`t think i can put us both through this again,do you think i should just ask my bf/ex? to just stay away?
He isn`t much of a dad anyway,never spends any time with him as he`s always out.
2007-01-06 11:49:16 · 18 answers · asked by onlyme 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I`m really not trying to be hurtful and spiteful but i just want to do whats best for my son.I know he needs his daddy but if it`s upsetting him is this really wise?
He is making alittle progress and i don`t want to jeapordise that,advice appreciated,thanx.
2007-01-06 11:51:05 · update #1
Sorry i didn`t put that quite right,what i meant was my son would get upset if we were out knowing he was going home.
2007-01-06 12:02:05 · update #2
Every child has the right to know & see his parent...whether that's his mother or Father....however,
Every child has the right to feel secure...loved...needed & wanted...clearly, your ex is abusing your Son's right to grow up without being saddled with some personality disorder...you can refuse him contact with your Son...in the meantime I'd get in touch with local social services & explain why you feel you need to take this step...if you don't like to do that then discuss it with your Dr. at least get it on record somewhere, so that if your ex takes it to court...then your solicitor can ask for welfare reports to be made.
It's important that your little boy has a stable up-bringing without this jerk coming & going as he wishes...
My Daughter is going through something similar at the moment...well! she was, it's all settled now & her little boy has come on in leaps & bounds since her ex pisse.d off & stayed away.
The chances are that your ex will not bother coming round too much & it'll all peter out anyway.
I'd be careful of winding him up with threats about not allowing contact as he could take it to court just to get back at you...it's amazing how some will suddenly start to fight for their own "rights"
If you're convinced he won't use the contact properly then just don't answer the door or be out (on the rare occasion that he calls)....yes! the courts can give the absent parent contact but if the remaining parent refuses to co-operate there's not an awful lot the courts can do....very very very rarely does the remaining parent get a custodial sentence.
Besides...the court welfare reports will be able to settle the issue properly
This isn't an attack on absent Father's by the way...I feel just as strongly about absent Mothers that aren't using the contact they've been allowed properly either.
No parent has the right to treat their child so badly as to continuously let them down.
NEITHER MOTHER NOR FATHER have any rights whatsoever....
ONLY THE CHILDREN DO!
Someone needs to put your Son first......
Good luck to you & your little boy.
If you need more info then email me.......
2007-01-06 12:52:33 · answer #1 · answered by Funky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My 2 yr old waited every day for 2 weeks for his dad to come home when he left me. I had to break his heart every night and tell him he wasnt coming back. His Father now chooses not to see him or his brother, because i made myself quite clear that if he would visit them he would do so on a regular basis. It must be even harder for you that your son has difficulties but your right, they know when something is wrong. Every child no matter what the situation needs routine and stability. I cant tell you what to do but as his mother you will make the right choice for your son. You know what works and what doesnt. As for just the 2 of you, its hard work but take him out every day keep his mind off what is going on, they do not forget quickly but kids are easily distracted!!(i have become a pro at this) Keep reminding your son that his mum is there and that she is not going anywhere. My sons frustration was fear that i was going to leave. Thats the only advice i can give. Take care x
2007-01-07 04:57:16 · answer #2 · answered by sugar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi!
the answer's complicated.
you have to do your best, you can't do any less. it's so hard to find security for yourself much less anyone else these days.
the way i see it, the boy is likely to be messed around by his daddy anyway. what's to be done about it just depends on what's possible legally and practically. all that is for you to decide. Personally, I'd try and cope with his interruptions but give him hell every time he does it. If he could listen to reason that would be good. You have to think about yourself too.
...even a child who doesn't have the difficulties you describe being bereft of their father at sudden intervals is damaging to their well being. new science on the subject has illustrated that such things actually affect the physical mechanism of a child's brain. we're not talking about just trauma here, I mean real, visible, 'actual' damage... even for you it's a bit unfair to have to go through all that.
he really isn't much of a dad.
2007-01-06 12:10:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say that you sound better off getting him out of your life and keeping him out of it for the sake of the mental well being of your son and your emotional well being especially when he reacts so much. Make a clean break - for both of your sakes. Your son needs stability and that is something you can give as a couple or as a single parent...your priority has to be your young son now! Sounds liek your 'ex' is scared of what you have created and the responsibility of looking after a special needs child. Good luck hon'...you have a lot of courage in you and you will be fine and better off on your own for a while!
p.s. check out the link below I am sure there will be lots of help there!
2007-01-06 11:54:35 · answer #4 · answered by Confuzzled 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm a widowed 66 year old man with some life experience. I now relaise that my two 30+ sons were much more influenced by their Mam than by me. In any man's life his Mum is the main person. Hope I'm not laying responsibility on you, but if I behaved like your "ex" I'd be ashamed. You are the main person in this lil boy's life. Accept that and I hope that both of you have a fulfilling life. If you were my daughter, then God help the ex.
Sorry if i sound like old fogie.
2007-01-06 12:33:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your boyfriend do need to make a decision regarding your relationship and stick to it for the sake of your son. Children rely on stability and react accordingly. Having his father in and out of his home and life is very confusing. Your son does need his father (does not mean father needs to reside in same house) and is probably acting out on confusion/frustration among many other emotions regarding the whole ordeal. His learning and speech disabilities may compound this, because you can't seem to find a way to explain it. My suggestion would be to make your choice and then get your son (and yourself) in to a psychiatrist that specializes in children with such issues.
2007-01-06 12:01:47 · answer #6 · answered by nikbern525 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is to much for you and your son to put up with, tell your EX boyfriend where to go and get on with a happy life with your son, you don't deserve this treatment and neither does your son, coming from personal experience I don't bother with my father and haven't for years hes a waste of space and even at 22 years of age I still don't want to know him, don't put your EX down in front of your son so when he gets older he can make his own decision on hes father, my mum did this and my sister still kept seeing him then give up I never bothered but my younger brother is still in touch with him but I think hes starting to get the idea. Put it this way I call my dad the sperm donor he he
2007-01-06 13:03:49 · answer #7 · answered by lollabell2000 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do whatever you need to do in the interest of your son, if his father is messing him about dont stand for it as it will upset the lad more. I would get him out of your life he doesnt sound much good anyway but dont confuse the lad by keep taking him back make your mind up and stick to it, Good luck hope it all works out for you.
2007-01-06 12:52:04 · answer #8 · answered by Kirks Folley 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just live for you and your son, if his dad makes an arrangement with you to come round don't tell your son "daddy is come on friday" don't tell your son anything so when his dad doesn't show up your son won't be upset. And it's really not a good idea to cry infront of your son, as it will just make him get fustrated even more,
2007-01-06 12:03:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
speak with your ex about this, but becareful not to place blame on him sometimes that will make for a bad situation. Tell him your son needs to be in a more stable enviroment. he either needs to stick to a schedule of seeing him on a regualr basis or just stay away completely list the problems you son is having and tell him its not good for him.
2007-01-06 12:03:42 · answer #10 · answered by me 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋