I've been seeing this guy for a month and a half. He lives about an hours drive away from me. I've known since I've met thim that his father was in a bad way. Just recently he went into hospital and that's the last I've heard from him. I've left a couple of messages on his phone like " just seeing how your going, call me if you need/want anything" and have been trying to get on with my life as much as possible but it's making me feel so unsure about my position. I find myself breaking down. we've only reall just gotten to know one another and I already feel like he's gone from my life. how do I handle this? what should I be doing? Should I just let it go.... or is this worth fighting for?
2007-01-06 11:03:17 · 11 answers · asked by Smittypie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
How very very sad. This is a traumatic time in your boyfriend's life. He's going through horrible feelings of despair and sadness, loss and grieving.
There's not much energy available for happy feelings and getting to know you as you deserve. Maybe he understands that on some level, but frankly, a guy usually can't put that into words like women can. So what does he do? He retreats and closes himself off until he can cope.
Leaving him a couple messages is good, to let him know you're still there and thinking about him. A better idea is to find an appropriate card (or create one yourself) and send it to him. It's a lot more tangible than a voice mail message and it'll have your name and return address on it for when he's ready to open up again.
Your friendship with him was too new when his dad went into the hospital for him to confide in you and seek comfort from you. He'll look for that from people he's known for years because he doesn't have to start from scratch with them... they already know him and the situation and how he needs help. It might even be an old girlfriend or two, or some buddies from school he'll be talking to right now. As much as he probably appreciates your offers of help, he most likely won't ask for it from you.
Don't think of it as "fighting" for him because he's really hurting and won't understand any aggressiveness or demands of his time. He wants to be with his dad as much as he can while he has the chance.
You should be at the wake or funeral, though not underfoot or in anyone's way. Sign the guestbook, mourn with his family, and let him make the next move.
2007-01-06 11:18:40 · answer #1 · answered by Mmerobin 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
All you can do is let this person know that you are there for them, it's tough loosing a parent (been through that twice) and sometimes you want to be alone in your grief, because unless you have lost someone dear to you you cannot understand no matter how much you say you do.
Keep the lines of communication open if you can and you know the hospital his dad is in give them a call or go over and make a visit.
2007-01-06 19:09:52 · answer #2 · answered by YoungAtHeart 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Right Now, Darling, You are in NO Definite position to get this guy to pay attention to your Needs. Because at the time you DONT matter as much as his DAD does...get me?
He has probably realized that "hiding away" emotions is not safe, and that the best thing is to FOCUS on every delicate detail that HIS FATHER demands or NEEDS!
HE IS HIS FATHER, Darling, and there's nothing you can do at the time, but BE there for him!...I suggest you drive by to his house and "pay" him a visit PERSONALLY, instead of "Calling and Leaving Messages"..because YOU have to SHOW respect for the WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY, not just him.
Put yourself in his place... IF your Father (GOD forbid this from happening! ) was to die, would you have as much "Feelings" for your boyfriend as you do know? Would you be eager to spend the rest of your life forever and ever with him, and leave THE FIRST MAN you ever loved? (*Yes, Dad!*) Would your ONLY thoughts at this moments of truth be ONLY on your boyfriend and not ON your FIRST LOVE?
*LOL...Ok-ay..I think you get my point, hu?
Listen to your heart...are you willing to be as much PATIENT as possible, for him? is he worth all this trouble? (*Even though, I ask Myself "What Trouble?"...you make it sound as though is such a horrible chore to do!...geesh girlie, have some "Pity" for your Guy's Sake!...lol J/K *wink*)
God Bless You, and May The LORD keep this MAN in Serene Peace!
Sincerely,
FERRARI GIRL
2007-01-06 19:26:22 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just give him some space. All he is capable of handling now is his dad. It is hard losing your parent whether you knew it was coming or not. I think that your leaving him a message once in awhile as you have is fine. Just don't push. It could be a long time before you hear from him again. When his dad does die, he will have to deal with his feelings of loss and go through the process of grieving. I think you could send him a card once in awhile...one of those "thinking of you" cards...nothing mushy, nothing committing....just a friendly little card. If you don't hear from him about a month after his dad dies, you might want to find out if your relationship is over. For now, don't bug him.
2007-01-06 19:13:02 · answer #4 · answered by Santa's Elf 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to understand that he was probably very close to his father and right now he is focusing on his relationship with his father. You on the other hand sound pretty self centered if you are expecting this guy to acknowledge your every attempt at getting into his life. All I've seen is you asking how YOU should handle this and what YOU should be doing. Any relationship isn't all about YOU. That's probaby what this guy is thinking too.
2007-01-06 19:07:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't fully let it it. If need be leave him one last message and let him know that no matter what you will be there for him when he is ready. Then back off give him some space. If he was very close to his father he may be hurting pretty badly and may want to spend as much time as possible he may have left with his father. Give him time o.k. Sorry to hear, I say still fight but kinda stay back for a bit.
2007-01-06 19:09:07 · answer #6 · answered by sorchia31 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Give him some room. He is dealing with the pain of losing a parent. There are few things that are more painful. You don't mean to be, but u r being selfish. If u really care about him, write him a letter telling him u care for him and are there if he needs u. He will come around. He just has to deal with his current issues first.
2007-01-06 19:09:56 · answer #7 · answered by pooty36 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
and the fighting is gonna be with whom? hey his dad is dying, don't be selfish and think only of your wants and needs, losing a parent is a tough thing. give it some time and space. you will like yourself more by being a giving person rathere than a taker. everything I read here is about how you feel and what you want, nothing about you worrying if he is gonna be alright, is he ok (well maybe the phone call but that was just to get him talking for your sake, not his).
2007-01-06 19:12:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Maybe he just needs some time. This is his Dad. He may not have the energy or the time for a relationship right now. If he wants to talk to you he will call you. But don't push too hard. Stop calling. When he wants to talk to you, he'll call.
2007-01-06 19:08:43 · answer #9 · answered by HDGranny 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
His father is dying and all you can think of is how you feel.
Think about how he feels. Not how he feels about you, but how he feels about his father.
Do you even care what happens to his father?
Don't act so needy when he is the one in need right now.
2007-01-06 19:29:47 · answer #10 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋