My husband won't stop buying me gifts I hate and clothes I cannot wear. He acts insulted. I am hurt. 11 years!

Question

What is the reason he keeps doing this? He says I just want to put him down. I have said stop but he acts as if he does not understand. I think he is in denial and passive-agressive. He has been impotent since I met him and denies that reality as well. I have tried counseling but he lies to the therapist. Is this passive-agressive? I have got to the point where I end up yelling and crying every time he gives me a "present." And I ask why why do you keep doing this?

I should have been more specific about what he buys. He buys clothes in very small sizes, I am a size 10, and he buys things in size 6 and XS. I know that I do not leave because we would have to sell the house and we both work full time and are middle class. I know this sounds bad but I think it is more common than people realize for middle class people to stay together because of finances. Thanks to those who sent helpful responses. (PS I have bought him Viagra-online- and he acts insulted about that too and says I am just trying to put him down. I really do not care much about the sex part anymore I have just given up on that-but thought it might be relevant).

Also I am upset today because today is my birthday and he just gave me 5 pair of PJs in XS from Lucky Brand Store-they are very cute and way to small.

Answer 1

About the gifts: 11 years is enough time by far for him to let you pick out what you want--either with him, or he can buy you giftcards. Explain to him how much happier this would make you.

About being impotent: He is not doing justice to you or himself by lying to the therapist. Insist that he be honest, for the sake of your marriage. (He may be very embarrassed by this condition--and that may be the reason for all the gifts).

I really hope that you two can work this out--and it is going to take a lot of time and truth. Good luck!

Answer 2

Enjoy those presents, if they aren't your style tell him you are going to see if you can find something, make a excuse that fits better or that fits your style or just a nice excuse. Don't hurt him.
He is trying to make up to you for not being able to offer you a healthy sex life . Don't put him down and make him feel bad by getting upset every time he buys you things he thinks you'll like. Is he a older man or some kind health problem that he can't have sex, you mean since you married you never had sex with him, ever. If he will never be able to have sex with you, then there are a lot of ways that can stimulate you to make you have a orgasm. Get a good vibrator and let him use that along with other ways to make you sexual happy. I know it's hard but just got to do what you gotta do, anything goes, when it comes to having a good orgasm, anything and all things.

Answer 3

It sounds like to me, in his mind, although he knows he is not filling the role he should be in some areas (impotetence), he is doing other things for you he believes he should do, such as the gifts. You are telling him this is upsetting to you because it is the wrong size, excessive, etc., but it doesn't appear he is believing you mean it. It is like playing a game. Is there a medical reason for the impotence? He should see a doctor for that. He really needs individual counselling and will probably not find a happy relationship until he gets help. Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

Your not the only one my husband could find the UGLY undergarments .Mine can find it at Victoria Secrets padded bras for a b cup I'm a c cup panties that my grandma would have worn for that extra tummy control let me tell you I do not need the tummy control, since I took the tags off Victoria Secrets would not take it back . I said nothing the first time but the second time I never knew that Victoria Secrets would have grandma bras the big Ugly ones in gold I thought hell with taking it back I gave it to my BIG sister in law . Finally I thought I gatta set some rules up that's a lot of money wasted, so I talked to my husband Rule #1.do not buy any clothes without me !#2 if you want to surprise me I will go to the shop you want to stop at write the serial codes of the outfit and give it to him or take pics on my phone if there are things you hate in the store note that to him. For me it has worked well. I hope this works for you steffy

Answer 5

I can only guess at his "reasons" because you didn't say what reasons he gives. This could be his passive-aggressive way of having control. You could say something like, "I think you were thinking of your mother when you bought this. My likes are not the same as hers, so I will be taking it back to exchange it. Could I have the receipt, please." My ex-husband would not take me back to a restaurant if I mentioned that I liked it. I learned not to tell him when I liked a particular restaurant.
Have you tried to give him a SPECIFIC list of what you would like as a gift? This includes color, size, store, etc. Or you could just tell him that you would like gift certificates. For instance, I didn't like roses but because a rose is a symbol of love, that is what my husband would bring me. When I specifically asked for daisies and different colors for different occasions, that is what he began to bring me.
It doesn't do any good to yell and cry because your husband thinks he is doing a good thing. Why you yell and cry you make him feel impotent. I would suggest you read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You might be able to gain a lot of insights from that.

Answer 6

Sounds like he is trying to upset you - turn the tables get him some hideous thing (at a thrift store) wrap it and give it to him. Do this often when he finally breaks this may open the door to communicate about it. If not when he buys you something you hate just tell him you won't be insulted like this anymore and leave for a night or two - take whatever you have a value and secure your checking and saving away from him because it may end your marriage.

Answer 7

I understand exactly what you mean. I am all for "it's the thought that counts" but what thought is being expressed when he does something that he knows you don't want? I will always appreciate a heartfelt and thoughtful gift even if it is something I would not be able to stand otherwise. My husband does the same thing when he wants to fight, instead of just starting a fight. He buys me cut flowers even though I have told him a million times (16 years!) that I don't like them because they wilt and die and make me sad. To me that is the definition of passive/aggressive. If he is upset or mad, he should just say something instead of trying to provoke an argument. Anymore, I just leave them there in a vase until they die and let him throw them away because I lose if I don't fight but throw them away too early (in his opinion). I'm sorry, but 11 years or 16, things don't change :(

Answer 8

You can't be yelling at him for his gifts--it's doing you no good--he is doing theses things for you because he feels inadequate for his impotence and has been trying to make it up to you. He is afraid of losing you. Try talking to him instead of yelling and screaming at him like a spoiled child.
be an adult and talk to him as his wife and try to get him to go to counseling with you to get this problem resolved--together. There are issues that need taken care of here and addressed--by the both of--not just him. There are also things thatcan be done for his impotence that can make you and his life together much better and your intimacy back to the level it should be and better than ever. Take the initiative and do it.

Answer 9

I'm not real sure what part of what he is doing is so upsetting to you... Usually one will demonstrate such behavior as a way to over compensate for other areas they feel they lack in. Could you try to appease him and act delighted by the gifts? What would it hurt? Are u feeling like he is neglecting you in other ways and are resentful of the gift giving because you want something else from him? I'm not really following your question, but my advice would be to examine your own feelings about why you are hurt/angry by his actions and confront him with solid answers about such. The truth is the truth and theres no fighting with it.

As for passive-aggressive behavior...I can see that if there is something more going on that you are wanting and he buys you gifts...while ignoring the real prob. and tries to make you feel bad for not showing happiness with such fake attempts at creating happiness. But remember we are talking about a man, and sometimes men communicate and solve problems a whole lot different that a woman does.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

take him shopping maybe, try to point out stuff that you would really like.

Also, about not admitting he has impotence, set-up a VERY romantic night, and start leading towards the bed. When in bed, and he is unable to maintain an erection, dont make him feel bed by directly saying you cant have sex because of that, but just slowly calm down, and let him realize that it was because of his impotence, and maybe he will go to his doctor for this problem.