Should I apologise?

Question

To my friend of 8 years. She called me at work when I was really busy and started to give me a hard time because I went out somewhere and did not invite her. I said "please dont call me at work and give me a hard time of it" she then hung up on me and is telling everyone she has severed all connections with me because I really have hurt her

Answer 1

call her tell her you did not have time to talk and apologize for "hurrying" her off the phone and offer to talk.

Answer 2

Split this down into its parts.

Would a real friend have invited her to wherever it was that you went, or is she being unreasonable in saying that?

Now, at some point you gave her your work phone number, right? And if she called your mobile, you saw it was her and still answered it - you could have ignored it. So. Were you justified in saying what you said to her? Was it the case that, busy or not, you'd have made time for her if she'd been telling you something you wanted to hear? In which case "busy" is just an excuse and you shouldn't hide behind it - what made you speak to her like that is the fact that she was angry with you and you didn't want to deal with it.

That's how you work out whether you have done or said anything that you ought to apologise for - remember, an apology concentrates on your behaviour, not that of the other person, and never contains the word "but". Whether you actually do want to apologise is a different issue, of course.

And now she's severed all connections. Wow. Instead of trying to talk to you, she's cut you out of her life AND gone round announcing the fact to all your mutual friends, presumably with full exaggerated details of her side of the story. Hmm. Now unless you're not telling us something, or unless not inviting her to wherever was really a massive issue (was it your wedding or your birthday or something?), then she is overreacting here. That last bit makes her sound like a drama queen and an attention-seeker. BUT, you've been friends with her for eight years. So either she isn't like that and this is a one-off, or she's always been like that and you have never minded before. Which is it?

I dunno... it's hard to advise properly without knowing where it was that you didn't invite her to and why it is that she's so upset. It might be that you have been a real selfish cow and all the stuff about the phone call at work is a smokescreen you're throwing up to make it look like this isn't your fault or that you're both as bad as each other when secretly you know it's not like that at all. Only you can answer that one!

What it comes down to, right or wrong, is: do you still want this woman to be your friend? How badly? Badly enough to apologise even if you don't think you're in the wrong? If you don't care, then shrug and move on. If you do care then really who was right and who was wrong fade into the background and the question is more "what do I need to do to get things back to how they were?"

Answer 3

OK.....she is a great friend but you do not need to go everywhere with her and invite her out everywhere you go. Don't say this to her though!!! Apologise for being abrupt and pushing her off the phone but explain that you were at work and it wasn't really fair or appropriate for her to start calling you and giving you a hard time at that present moment in time. Tell her that if she would have rang you in your spare time you would have spoke to her properly. She is being a bit unfair by severing all ties with you because of this. Maybe you need to speak to her about some underlying issues that could be there too.

Answer 4

Maybe you should look into the reason why you didn't invite her out with you first.

Was it that you could'nt take her for some reason,or was it that you didn't want her with you on that ocassion?

Just reverse the situation,and if you would have felt hurt at not being invited out,then you can understand why she was.

But if you seriously did'nt want her there, I should look at the friendship and ask yourself is this a true friendship that I want for life or not.

We all go places on ocassion and realise afterwards that we could/should have phoned our friend to come as well, and if you really love your friend and realise that you should have asked her to go with you, then, it's worth an apology. If she's a true friend,then she will accept that we all make mistakes and will forgive you not asking her.

If she doesn't want to accept your apology,then, over such a small thing. to end your friendship,she wasn't a true friend in the first place. Forgiveness is all part of friendship,because none of us are perfect.

Only you know the true reason why you didn't ask your "friend" to go with you on that ocassion, so only you know if the friend deserves an apology or not.

Good luck, be honest about your decision,it's sad to loose a true friend over this,for the sake of making an apology,especially if your friend has a valid reason for being upset.

Answer 5

She is your friend not your Siamese twin! You have every right to want to go out without her occassionally. Is she one of those who gets jealose if she thinks you are making friends with other people? If she is then she has the problems not you. Do not ever appologise for having a life of your own. Second if she had any respect for you and your livelyhood she would never have phoned you in work in the first place. I'd be f*cking furious if any of my friends did that. And it would be them who'd have their ear chewed off not me. Make sure people understand and respect your boundries, if they don't even when you have made it plain what they are, they aren't your friends! And don't worry about not having friends if you tell it like it is, you might lose a few on the way but the ones you have will be a lot more respectful to you.

So Ok you have 8 years friendship and don't want to break up with her. Then write to her and put yourside of it. It's up to you how blunt you want to put it. And if she doesn't see you point of view, well sad. Innit!

Answer 6

Then she wasn't a good friend if she got offended that you went out with your other friends, she don't own you, she put the phone down on you so why should you make the first move, if she is really your friend she will meditate on what she said an did then do the right thing an call you first.

Answer 7

gosh if youve been friends for 8 years are you two not too old to be having trivial arguements like this? maybe you've been getting on her nerves for a while and now she has had enough! are you a good friend to her? maybe you should just call her and tell her what you think? friends are some of the most important people you can have so i'd try not to lose them. if she has only fell out with you over this then let her get on with it!

Answer 8

Well, whether with friends, loved ones or partner, everybody should have their limits.
You didn't do anything wrong.
It definitely was not the right place or right time to discuss something like that, may it be important or not to your friend.
She wasn't in any immediate danger so, surely this could totally wait for you to be able to talk to her.
She has to respect your livelyhood, and not be as selfish.
Well, do call her back, to talk to her, but honestly you did do the right thing.
She may be hurt and has her reasons, but truly that doesn't give her the right to phone you on your work place to sort out personal issues.

Answer 9

I think that you friend needs to realise that your life doesn't revolve around her! It is totally acceptable to go out without inviting her too. I dont think any of my friend would stop talking to me over something so silly. It isnt worth loosing an 8 yr friendship over, but jeeze, tell her to grow up!

Answer 10

take it from someone who has no friends now, i was always the one who never got invited to nothing. it does hurt, put yourself in her shoes for a second. you dont need to apologise but i think you should be honest with yourself and ditch your friend. i had to face the fact that i'm a wanker that nobody likes a long time ago. your friend deserves the same truth.

Answer 11

first off, what was the reason that you didnt invite her? and you should have given a reason as to why she shouldnt call you at work and that you guys should talk about it later when your not so busy. so i think you should apologize. something like, look, im sorry i was a bit mean. i was really busy at work and just caught me at a bad time. im sorry. the reason i didnt invite you was because ____[hope its a good reason, not a mean one]. i hope you understand. maybe we can do something later ?
good luck