How do I get over this passiveness when people bully me?

Question

I let people walk all over me and give me orders. It gets hard at work when people tell me to do things that aren't my boss because I feel bad and don't want them to bust their *** (i.e. I know what it feels like) but when the time comes around when I need help I never ask, plus I never get any help. Hell, half the time I'm so shoulder-bagged with everyone else's bullshit I slow my own work down and I get insulted for being slow. When people snap at me I don't say anything I just suck all of the insults up and have to unload them at the end of the day.
It seems to me that no one else has a problem walking all over me. Inside I've become rather cynical at this point. I'm determined not to make a victim out of myself, but I don't want to be walked upon anymore.

I know! I don't want to become someone so spineless and sad, but alas, I have. ::smacks head::

Answer 1

If i may venture a guess you are a people pleaser; you derive satisfaction from seeing people smile and knowing you are responsible for that. You are willing to go out of your way for others and do so frequently.

This is likely a lifelong trend that is likely tied to a desire of approval from others. A smile, a nod, a thank you... whatever you receive for going out of your way becomes your symbol of approval.

You are a nice person, but your desire and willingness to go out of your way is so visible that others take advantage of you.

You need to learn to say NO and feel comfortable with it.

This is not an easy task after such a long history of compliance. I reccomend you do the following:

1) Schedule your time and tasks so that you know what you have to do in the day and when. -

When someone asks to you can tell them "My day is full, I cannot help you today" Remember that schedule, its not that you dont want to help; you can't.

2) Clarify expectations and priorities with your boss and stick to them.

3) Be a "team player" not a "team dumpster" - Its ok to help others but it has to be a give and take. Do not let anyone abuse your goodwill.

4) Be the main person you want to please - The only approval you need is your own; make sure that when you are old and looking back at your life YOU can smile about it.

You are a nice person, dont change that, but look at the big picture to decide when you can go out of your way and when you can not. Be ok with setting boundaries; believe it or not people need them and are ok with them.

Answer 2

Take martial arts until you feel more confident. Or enlist the biggest meanest guy you know. Have him put on a suit and drop in on you work casually. Have him say he thought he'd drop in on his email pen pal while on leave from special forces. Then look around say just loud enough who are these jerks who were bullying you? Tell him you can discuss it at dinner. Then take him out to dinner where some of your co-workers will see you, a place that serves raw meet would be nice.

If anyone asks don't elaborate, say he wouldn't like it.

Answer 3

This is going to sound oversimplified, but just stop doing that. Next time someone asks you for something that isn't fair, tell them no. Don't be rude, but don't be too polite either. "No, sorry. I have my own work to do." That should work. Next time someone calls you slow, say "I wouldn't be so slow if all you bastards weren't so lazy and dumped all of your work off on me." It's liberating, I promise. Just don't become a jerk. There's nothing wrong with being assertive. Put some iron in that spine.